And when that isn't available, we really ponder whether it was worth the $3 spent on the DVD at the movie store.
Right now, the crew (read: myself) is looking at the "Nazis from the Moon" classic (read: from 2012) Iron Sky. Is it any good? Is it terrible? Weill Erik ever get away from Udo Kier showing up in films? Find out more after the cut.
I want to get this trivia factoid out of the way right now:
What do Pink Floyd, Transformers, and Iron Sky all have in common? They all reference the "dark side of the moon." The other thing they all have in common is they're all wrong. See, the moon is in what is referred to as a "synchronous orbit" with Earth, also known as "tidal locking.". This means that the same side of the moon (with an allowable variation due to its elliptical orbit) faces the Earth at all times. If it was a "double tidal lock" (a name Neil Degrasse Tyson wanted to name a wrestling finishing move back when he wrestled), then only one side of the Earth would ever face the moon. Pluto has this kind of relationship with its moon, Charon.
It's actually kind of romantic, if you think about it. Two lonely cosmic objects always facing each other as they spin through the galaxy.
Now, that right there might be the only scientific accuracy we get out of this article today. I present the movie you never knew you wanted to see, Iron Sky.
The movie opens with a view of a lunar spacecraft approaching the moon's surface. We get a helpful little pop-up showing that the year is 2018, and we're observing the "Liberty" mission.
We get brief pop-ups of the cast, and it's really no surprise I don't really recognize any of these names. It is a small studio produc-
Oh, no.
Udo Kier?
The guy who ran the bar when Barb Wire was out shooting people and being a terrible person?
Well, we're off to a smashing start.
Huh. This movie takes place one year after Barb Wire was supposed to. Hopefully that'll be the only interesting link the movies have.
After two political banners unfurl from the lunar craft, we find out that our astronauts are actually on the hunt for helium-3. a rare element used for nuclear fusion research. But the movie doesn't waste any time with introducing our two astronauts because they immediately stumble upon a mysterious mining plant!
And apparently they're running into the bad guys from the Resistance video game series.
One astronaut gets shot, point blank in the helmet, and their lunar module gets blown up by a rocket launcher...okay, I could accept a gun working on the moon, but the physics behind low gravity, low air, and a rocket launcher makes my head hurt. Someone else figure that out for me, would you?
Our second astronaut (known as "Washington" is captured and driven (On roads. On the moon. Sigh.) to the least subtle headquarters of all time.
That's right. Moon Nazis.
We're not even past the five minute mark in the movie yet, and already this movie is reaching new levels of
We cut to a classroom, where Renate Richter, a teacher and "Earth Specialist" is having her class explain the entire history of how space Nazis came to be. Meanwhile, Washington is delivered in a motorcycle sidecar inside the base which apparently has pretty normal gravity and breathable air. We also get a moment where a woman who sounds like Frau Farbissina announces over a PA system that the national anthem is going to play. Then the national anthem plays. Because, you know Nazis are renowned for subtlety.
Udo Kier shows up, and hey, he's playing the new Fuhrer! Guy's moved up in the world since he took over Barb's bar! Washington gets his helmet taken off, and all of the surrounding Nazis flip out over the fact that he's black. I guess in this world there were no Homeboys In Outer Space.
At the White House an obvious analogue for Sarah Palin is apparently in charge of the nation. She's talking to a hologram of Vivian Wagner, her campaign manager, figuring out how to assign blame for a failed space mission and complaining that her approval ratings are in the toilet. She yells for Vivian to get her a "miracle" and then closes the conversation through Virtual Skype. Seriously, the Skype sound effect plays when the call ends.
It turns out the whole "go back to the moon" deal really was just a political stunt ("one was black, we thought it would look good."). But there's no time for that, we have to get to a black and white film showing interpretive dance Hitler!
Actually, it's a tiny segment of the movie The Great Dictator with Charlie Chaplin, and I have to admit, I love the twisting of a full movie that was anti-Hitler and editing it down to a famous "short film" that promotes him. Class is interrupted, though, when Adler (played by Mr. Stamper from Tomorrow Never Dies) shows up and informs Renate (his girlfriend) that they captured an Earth spy and need her expertise.
Washington manages to get away, and the broadcast over the PA system describes him as "a male negro, unarmed but possibly angry." I guess someone there managed to pirate a copy of Shaft from TV broadcasts. Adler is escorting the teacher to where she would meet the prisoner, when Washington drops a grate on his head and rushes to what he thinks is the exit. Renate tries to stop him, but Washington shakes her off and opens a gate...directly to the moon's surface.
Yeah, Washington, where did you think it was going to lead?
Washington saves himself and Renate (whose shirt somehow comes open), and gets captured again by the Nazis. He's taken for interrogation, and the Nazis a) can't understand modern English phrases, and b) have a difficult time comprehending his technology. See, the Nazis apparently never got past computers from the 1970s, so when Washington tries to explain that his phone is both a phone and computer, the Nazis think he's nuts.
After a pretty pointless scene at the UN where the secretary of state tries to convince other world political figures that the sole purpose of the lunar trip was for a re-election, we jump over to re-election headquarters, where Vivian Wagner berates her entire staff for not coming up with some brilliant ideas to compensate for having lost two human beings on the lunar surface.
Can I just add that a giant poster hanging from a hotel shows Washington sitting next to the President with a motto "Black to the Moon? Yes she can!" Politics. Also, one of the re-election posters shows the President posed like Mona Lisa, complete with painted backdrop.
At Renate Richter's room, Adler shows up to present Renate with the most romantic gesture possible on the moon, where flowers don't grow and (sigh) the sun doesn't shine. According to the Department of Racial Purity, they have a 97% genetic compatibility rating, meaning they'll have beautiful Aryan children!
Admit it, ladies, you wish a guy would go to that much effort and research before proposing.
"So according to my research, if we get married, my great-grandfather's DNA has a 92% chance of overwriting whatever it is that makes your Uncle Barry drink booze from a bathtub."
Surprisingly, Renate is not swept off her feet by this romantic gesture, and wants to know what would happen to her research projects if she just started grinding out babies like an assembly line. Adler, however, reveals his plans to get Udo Kier out of the way and to take over the Earth. However, he states, he'll need a woman by his side. Seriously, what's not to love about this guy?
The camera zooms out and pans over to another crater, where we find the same scientist that was helping to interrogate Washington is discussing the marvels of the phone they stole from the American. With it they finally have enough computing power ("over a thousand times more computing power than our biggest computers together") to make the machine operational. It actually gets the giant war machine powered up for a moment, then the phone battery dies and Adler immediately asks Udo Kier for permission to go to Earth for more phones to power their systems.
Washington, meanwhile, is having German propaganda blasted at him over speakers, but it's shut down by Renate who is curious about him. They have a small back and forth, Renate reveals that the scientist working on Washington is her father, and Washington boggles at the idea that someone has never met a black man before. However, Renate's father comes back, so she sets the propaganda machine working again and sneaks out.
Oh, and then the scientist prepares one more injection for Washington. With a bottle that reads "albinism."
...yeah, it's a good thing these people are already Nazis or viewers might get upset.
Adler prepares for departure, but first he makes sure to point out that Renate can't come after forcing his tongue down her throat, and then we learn about the secret weapon that Adler has to help him get around on Earth.
That's right, they made the black guy ...well, not really "white" but definitely "not black." Oh, and they brainwashed him that even saying "heil" makes him stand up, jut out his arm, and say it back.
So, yeah. I got nothing.
After their spaceship lands just outside of New York City (somehow getting past every defense Earth has without so much as a blip on any body's radar), they first discover that Renate sneaked on board, and then their soldiers all get killed by a crazy farm lady with a shotgun.
Seriously. The elite Nazi troops all get taken out by one woman standing in the bushes yelling for people to "get off her property." So far, the invasion isn't going very well.
Oh, and I had to stop and rewind one comment from Adler upon finding Renate was there: "This is not the place for the mother of the children of the future Fuhrer, and certainly no place for a woman."
...just...think on that for a moment.
After a failed attempt to talk some "bruthas" into letting them have a VW bus (the whole "light skin and Nazi symbol" not really working for Washington), and he finally realizes just what's been done to him. He doesn't take it well, which puzzles the Nazis since he's now "cured" of his imperfections. After a jump to night, we find our...heroes? Anyway, we find them kidnapping Vivian. Washington gets kicked out of the car, and is left behind.
Now, pretend you're the campaign manager for the President of the United States. You've been kidnapped by people who claim to be Moon Nazis. They flat-out state that they have an invasion force that will "end the good times for bad people." The perky blond one tries to explain that they simply believe in peace and love for all mankind. Do you:
A) Tell them they're insane and they'll never get anything from you, willing to give your life for your country to protect it from maniacs?
B) Play along, looking for an opportunity to escape? After all, the White House knows you, you could probably get some secret service people to shoot the insane people that kidnapped you.
C) Go along with it, even allowing yourself to be taken to the White House, where you turn your kidnappers into "enemies" for the President to base her platform around. After all, they're self-proclaimed "Nazis." Everyone hates them.
D) Take them to the President so she can base her entire re-election campaign around their speeches and mentality.
If you answered A-C, you're too smart for this movie.
We jump ahead three months to find Washington, homeless and ranting in the streets, found by Renate. The two of them get into a fight (again, he's so underappreciative of them "curing" him) and both get arrested. After being let go for just being "nuts," Renate tries to take Washington into a theater showing The Great Dictator to learn the true message of the Nazis. It certainly opens one pair of eyes, but not Renate's. She tries to turn to some locals bearing swastikas to prove that Nazis are not bad people, but needs to be saved by Washington when things take a turn for the worse...who in turns needs to be saved by Renate.
We meet back up with Adler and Vivian who succumb to a moment of passion before realizing that not only has Udo Kier shown up in their office, but apparently he likes to watch his underlings have sex with women without blond hair. Kooky Nazis.
The Fuhrer has Vivian taken out to be shot, and confronts Adler with his treason. Renate and Washington show up to confront Adler, and the Fuhrer decides to simply kill them all. The invasion fleet is already on its way, and right when things look bad for Adler, Vivian shows back up with the guard's gun (I'm not going to explain how she got it, it's too stupid to be believed) and shoots Udo Kier and his guards. Renate and Washington escape, Vivian discovers that Adler never wanted her, just access to technology and to be able to take over once the Fuhrer was dead, and Adler heads off to take control of the invading fleet.
We do, however, get one moment of badassery when Udo Kier, while dying, confronts Adler on the roof of the building. Udo doesn't have the strength to kill Adler, so Adler simply gives Udo Kier a running kick to the face.
So Washington and Renate are on the run, Vivian's now a spurned woman with the leader of the largest military force on the planet under her thumb, I haven't had to deal with anything else that ties to Barb Wire, and NAZIS FROM THE MOON are about to invade! In space blimps!
Can things possibly get any worse? Find out tomorrow when I review the second half of Iron Sky!
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