Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Top Eleven: Monsters From Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin That Frustrate The #$@! Out Of Me


One of my favorite all-time games that I own for a handheld system is Castlevania: Portrait Of Ruin.  I love how over the top the storyline is, I love the insane reasoning that allows you to explore locations from around the world, I love the complicated storyline involving a ghost, twin daughters who dress like a six year old Amish girl and an Elizabethian prostitute, respectively, and a vampire who isn't Dracula running around Dracula's castle ordering everything around.

I also really love the game play mechanics that allow you to quickly swap out between two characters, one being your stereotypical action hero who wields a powerful weapon he can't really use until the end of the game, and the other is a girl with magical powers who can summon flying weaponry out of books just by holding them in front of her.



That is brilliant.

I love the fact that great magical power is being controlled through worlds trapped within paintings.  I love the fact that the embodiment of Death itself, long-time servant to Dracula, just reacts to your being around like "Oh, you guys?  Whassup?  ...oh, we gotta fight now?  ...fine."

But I'd be lying if I said there weren't some enemies that weren't really frustrating to beat...and I'm not even really including the bosses (which are just as over the top as you'd expect, since one of them is a Frankenstein monster that shoots lightning from its fingers, has a rocket launcher installed in one arm, and a machine gun in the other), but these are just the grunts you have to wade through to get from point A to point B.

And I'm going to count down the eleven that frustrate me the most.  Granted, one is a boss, but it's a special boss.




Now, one thing I need to point out is that I think there's more than 150 monsters for you to fight in this game.  On top of that, if my recollection is correct, each drops a unique item.  Which means that in order to get a true 100% in this game, you not only have to kill one of each monster, but you have to kill enough of them so that they'll drop their special items.  Considering some monsters only exist in one room in the entire game, there's a lot of time spent leaving and coming back to kill it again in the hopes that this time you get a prize.

Number 11:  Dead Crusader

These guys are just annoying, because they're one of the few fully defensive monsters you face.  Picture a knight with a shield and sword, who can only be hurt when he's actively trying to hurt you or is caught by surprise.  Here's the problem: they're impossible to take by surprise.  If they're sidling towards you, shield raised, you can't hurt them.  If they bump into you, though, they'll hurt -you-.  Plus, they have a pretty good reach when they do attack, so unless you can kill them in one hit, odds are you're taking damage.

There have been multiple points where I've been trying to kill these guys to get the prize they drop, and they just sidle towards me and make me retreat because I can't hurt them until they try to attack me, but I can't touch them without getting hurt.

Number 10: Dodo

This stupid bird.  It only shows up in one area on one stage, and only shows up there sometimes.  Plus, as soon as it sees you, it runs away.  This means you have to either get really powerful so you can run forward and kill it quickly before it reacts, or you have to learn the spell that stops time so you can freeze it and then come forward and kill it.

Now, keep in mind that this bird drops two items...and not at the same time.  So not only do you have to wander back and forth hoping it shows up so you can kill it and get an item...then you have to do it all over again hoping you get the other item.  Stupid bird.

Number 9: Imps

Kill these things quickly if you see them.  They might dive and attack you to cause you harm, but they also have the ability to latch onto the back of your character and seize control of him or her.  They might make you simply run in a direction until you either leave the stage, hit a wall, or fall off something and die.  They might make you swing wildly at nothing for a while as other monsters stab you in the back.

They are, in essence, the embodiment of annoying, just really weak so they don't get a higher ranking on the list.

Number 8: Larva

These creatures...I don't know how to describe them.  The game says they're monsters with the "head of a man and body of a worm" but all I know is that they seem to be able to fly, aren't hindered by walls, and there's a never ending swarm of them coming in from off-screen at all times.  And not just from the sides, they'll wiggle their way towards you from above or below, so no direction is safe.

Again, they're weak, but when you're trying to maneuver across jumps and pits while these things whittle down your health, it becomes pretty aggravating.

Number 7: The Sisters

Okay, this is sort of a boss fight, except that to get the good ending, you can't kill them.  See, you have to get a "purification spell" to cast during the fight, the only problem is that it takes a long time to cast it, and meanwhile you have one sister dropping a miniature nor'easter on you, while the other creates giant ice swords to club you with.  It took me about seven tries to figure out how to do it, and the way I wound up doing it felt a bit cheap.

Number 6: Succubus

I have a particular distaste for monsters that have the nerve to dodge my attempts to kill them, and this one is the worst.  She seems to always be ready to dart back just out of reach of your weapon, leaving you not only looking really foolish, but vulnerable to her darting forward to make out with you suck the life force out of you by sticking her tongue down your throat.  Repeatedly.  If I wasn't so annoyed, I'd be amused.  Particularly when it's Charlotte being stalked by monsters who are famously known to only hunt men.

Number 5:  Ruler Sword

This one, I can't figure out the logic.  It's a giant, floating sword that glows green.  It spawns other swords that shoot out around it like an inflated puffer fish, then the swords (and shields it also spawns) swirl around it for a bit before it launches the smaller swords at you and spawns new ones.

I mean, sure, a "sword that shoots swords" sounds cool on paper until you remember people have to be able to fight it, and by "people" I mean "you."  Good luck getting close when it looks like you're attacking a inside of Satan's blender.

Number 4: Mandragora

Picture, if you will, a plant that you have to kill.  Now, imagine a plant attached to a tiny creature that jumps out of the ground after it shows up, screams, and then explodes in a ball of energy that hurts you while you're trying to kill it.  Or maybe you're rushing forward to kill it when a skeleton gets in your way, and while you're dealing with that, the mandragora emerges, screams, and explodes, taking a chunk of your life with it.

Considering the game intends for you to kill them and get loot, watching your attempt to get a prize explode under its own power and vanish is just frustrating to no end.

Number 3: Final Guard

Picture a giant knight as tall as the room you're in.  And it's a very tall room.  You can't pass it, so you have to kill it.  Unfortunately, any attack you do only does one point of damage.  ANY attack you do, one point of damage per hit.  And the thing has about fifty hit points, which means you have to hit it fifty times to kill it.  Oh, and if it hits you, it does a TON of damage (which makes sense, since its sword is about 2 to 3 times your height).

It's like the game play just stops while you whittle this guy down.  An-noy-ing.

Especially when you're trying to get one to drop a prize like a cast iron piñata.

Number 2: Legion

Okay, technically this is a boss, but god it's infuriating.  A giant mass of bodies shaped like a giant sphere, you have to bludgeon pieces of it off so you can attack the core.  But once a piece falls off, it reveals a tendril that shoots energy bolts at you.  When the core is exposed, it fires bolts at you while spinning.  Oh, and while you're trying to hack off bits, it drops bodies that get up and lurch around after you, so god help you if you touch the ground, cause it's covered in fleshy bodies.

I died so many times.  It isn't even funny.

Number 1: Those &@#% Medusa heads.

Okay, remember the larvae I mentioned before?  Okay, now they're small and move in a wave pattern, and they're located in rooms that require a lot of jumping.  When they hit you, you're knocked back.

But it gets better.

Certain ledges let you stand for a second before they flip you off them, so you have to be quick.

Other platforms spin and rotate like a conveyor belt or wheel.

The floor is often covered with spikes under said ledges.

Certain Medusa heads, when they touch you, turn you to stone.  Then you plummet to a platform that drops you onto spikes, and you die.

I hate these things so much, there are no words to describe it.



I think it says a lot that any one of those monsters could ruin a game like this, but it's still so much fun that I'm -still- playing it even though I know I'm ready to complete it.  I want that 100% for all the items, I want the best equipment (actually, I'm going to have one of every piece of equipment even though I know there's no "achievement" for it), I want to be able to end this game and say it's done.

...at least, until I play it again.

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