Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Two

Okay, so perhaps my efforts to rediscover a show from my childhood and why I loved it so much didn't go quite as planned.  In searching through the "best" of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show I wound up watching what might have been the most pointless rip-off of Star Wars  I've ever seen.

And I've seen Turkish Star Wars.

So, okay, maybe it's because I have such a love for the original Star Wars that I wasn't able to get as much enjoyment out of it.  Maybe I'm a bit more jaded these days, so I'm more sensitive to racial stereotyping, and maybe I'm more sophisticated so I need more than just endless pasta jokes.

But surely there has to be something in here that I can find enjoyable.  Let's dig through another episode to find out.




First off, I can't help but wonder whatever happened to the guys who rapped the opening.  Do you think this went on their resume?


Now, the episode starts with another "Plumber's Log" making me think that it wasn't a one-time joke for the Star Wars-themed episode.  If Mario does this at the start of every episode, well, I'm not sure if that's better or worse than it simply being a one-off used to introduce a space-themed show.

Let's get our breakdown of the plot:

"The Princess needed a hundred gold coins by tomorrow morning - or else the mushroom kingdom orphanage would have to close down."

Okay, first of all, isn't she the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom?  Couldn't she just, I don't know, make a royal decree saying "the orphanage stays open?"  Second, how is this a problem?  I've played most of the Super Mario Brothers games, and I've been drowning in coins in each one.  In fact, in one of the newer ones, it gives you the challenge of gathering one million coins.

But that's moot because she's the Princess, right?  Surely she can just write a check from the First Mushroom Bank or something.  So let's hear their masterful plan.

"I could hock the royal jewels!"

"You already did."

"We could mortgage this cottage!"

"You already did."

...say what?

Oh, right, apparently instead of living in the castle that Princess Toadstool is known to live in in pretty much every game put out, instead she, Toad, and the Mario Brothers are living in this place:

 

 Because of course they are.  No reason is given for this.

...now, I have to ask, if they need 100 coins, and she already hocked her jewels and mortgaged that cottage, either things are much cheaper than the games lead me to believe, or the Princess is the worst negotiator who ever lived.

What's their solution?  Why, sell the royal cow, of course.

You read that correct.  They're going to sell the "royal cow."  Yes, it wears a crown.

There's a reason I didn't give away the title of the episode, you've probably figured it out by now.

After dealing with the world's most stereotypical car salesman, the Marios return with their haul, three garbanzo beans.  They didn't even bother to say "magic" garbanzo beans, just "garbanzo beans."

The Princess, however, is allergic and sneezes the beans out of Mario's hand and out the window (for a moment, I thought the animators were setting her up to pimp-slap them out of his hand, which would have been great).

Needless to say, the next day there's a giant bean stalk grown in their front yard, and Mario points out that their money problems are solved if they simply harvest the beans from the stalk.  That... that's actually a really good point.

I mean, think about it: if you had a beanstalk that went several miles high, then presumably there are other bean pods on it.  If there are giant beans, then you can sell one bean to feed a family of four.  If they're regular sized beans, then odds are pretty good they'd grow their own humongous beanstalks, at which point you could have a king's ransom for a single bean.

So, exactly why did Jack feel the need to climb to the top anyway?

Our heroes start climbing the bean stalk to start harvesting from the top, and in another case of completely lazy animation, the dialogue doesn't match the actions.  Luigi points out they're already pretty high up, and Mario completely agrees with him, saying they should probably turn back. 

The animation however shows them climbing higher, climbing higher, and then somehow running along the beanstalk up until Mario konks his head on something in the clouds.

Mario realizes it's a door, and pushes it up and open before climbing up, turning around, and saying "C'mon, what's there to be afraid of?"

What could there possibly be for someone to be afraid of at the top of a giant magical beanstalk when you found a door in the clouds?  ...you know, if I hadn't heard the fairy tale before, I honestly couldn't answer that, but it's still a terrible question, and you're terrible for asking it, Mario.

Everybody climbs in, and the trap door lands with a thud, and despite the fact that the only handle on it is a giant ring, and there's nothing else visible, Luigi and the others can't open it because "it's locked."  I swear, it's like the animators didn't even get a copy of the script before drawing.

This is, of course, when King Koopa shows up, and the heroes automatically realize he's turned himself into a giant.  No explanation for why is ever given.  At all.

Strangely enough, this isn't the strangest plot "King Koopa" has ever been involved with, or the only time he's ever been made into a giant.  In fact, it's not the only time "magical beans" have been the focus on the plot of something from the series.  Mushroom Kingdom be weird, ya'll.

An attempt to bolt for an open door ends when Koopa pulls a handle on a chain, sending a metal slab down to block the exit.  Mario, genius he is, points towards an open window across the room over a log pile, and loudly announces they should try that next.  An open window with a clearly visible metal slab that could be lowered.

This is Koopa's reaction, which mirrored my own.

 No words, just that expression for two seconds.

Now, I'd like to point out that while Mario, the Princess, and Toad all jump up the logs normally, Luigi scales the entire pile by doing backwards hand flips the entire way up.  That is both monumentally stupid and completely awesome in one.  Dude's got style.

When they realize the window is still too high, Mario again loudly announces that they need to grab the poker from the fire place to use as a ramp.  King Koopa stays where he is and just laughs.

Now, if it were me, and I was trying to escape from someone, and they just stood there watching my efforts without even budging from their spot, I'd assume they knew something I didn't.

Sure enough, when they get close to escape, Koopa makes another slab of metal drop down to block them, and moves in for the kill.  It's only with a giant accordion fan and a pile of fireplace ashes that the good guys get away and sneak into another room where they find a giant mountain of money, which the Princess points out is "hideous" because with it "Koopa could rule forever."

...because it's not like she's the ruler and she couldn't just change the standard for monetary value away from gold and to something like, I don't know, garbanzo beans or anything.

So, Bowser Koopa's plan at this point is to leave the heroes in the room with his money and the bird thing that lays golden coins until such a point as there's so many coins that the good guys get crushed.  Two things.

One, that bird doesn't lay a lot of coins at once, and the room is nowhere near filled to every corner, so it's more than likely the good guys are going to starve first...unless they kill the bird and eat it which also defeats the purpose of leaving them in the room.

Two, if you're going to leave them in there until they die from being crushed by coins, how are you going to get your money to rule?

These are things I probably figured out were dumb when I was young!

The goose asks the heroes for help, because of course it can talk, and after Mario bends the bars of its cage with his bare hands (!), it shows them a crack in the floor covered with coins (because somehow the coins don't fall down the crack) leading to the beanstalk.

I can forgive some sloppy cartoon work, but this show is just lazy.  That's inexcusable.

Koopa somehow manages to summon a swarm of ladybug-like monsters from the surface (what were they doing down there, waiting for a bus?) up the beanstalk, but the Mario brothers defeat them by chucking over-sized garbanzo beans down the beanstalk.  Of course, every thrown one hits because, again, the animators were lazy and didn't want to draw more than needed.

Toad points out that Koopa could use the beanstalk to come after them despite the fact I'm pretty sure it wouldn't support his weight, and they rush down to the bottom.  Luigi exclaims that they have just the thing to deal with the beanstalk in their plumbing bag, and runs off to return with an axe which-

Wait.  Plumbers keep axes in their plumbing bags?  Not hatchets or saws or anything that gives you control over whatever hole you want to knock in something, but a full-on axe?

I- it doesn't- but- why would-

...moving on, Luigi, by himself, works on chopping down the beanstalk, while the goose explains that, "without Koopa's magic spell," all it can produce are normal eggs.  This means that Koopa will be defeated (despite having a ton of money and still being giant), and the orphanage will still close down...unless the Mario Brothers just walk along the fallen beanstalk and pick the beans, I guess.

But, when the beanstalk falls, it somehow brings Koopa's castle down with it because I guess the castle and Koopa sprouted out of the same beanstalk?  I don't know, the show doesn't explain it and I can't figure it out. 

A wall erupts showering solid gold coins directly down on our heroes, and I assume it kills them all because it's a lot of coins and gold's pretty heavy.  Oh, and when Koopa's castle lands in a lake, somehow it and Koopa shrink down to tiny size.  Koopa even exclaims "Oh, no, no, no!  It shrunk me!"

Again, this is never explained.

Koopa runs of swearing revenge and nobody does anything to stop him, and the goose tries to lay a fresh egg for the Mario Brothers for "something to eat" but unfortunately can only now lay golden eggs which it starts apologizing profusely for.  And then the show ends.  Seriously, with the goose saying how terrible it is to lay golden eggs.

Cue Captain Lou "dancing" to the credits.

The Good:

Well, at least they aren't ripping off a movie this time, and to be fair, "Mario and the Beanstalk" really isn't the strangest idea for a Mario storyline.  In fact, climbable beanstalks and realms where things are giants is pretty much in canon.

I also liked the fact that Toad, upon learning that the Mario is even worse at bartering than he is at anything else he does, offers to go "con the con man."  It actually seems to give Toad some character depth as being a bit more streetwise and a sharper thinker than Mario or Luigi.

Also, again, Luigi does the hard work (chopping down a beanstalk) while Mario just stands around. 

The Bad:

Mario really is terrible at everything he does, and that's when he isn't just having his brother do all the work.  Announcing plans, leading people into danger, and standing around uselessly seem to sum up most of what he did this episode, and he seems to have no basic sense of self-preservation.

Also, the storyline, while not outrageous, is still pretty stupid.  Why doesn't the Princess have any money?  Why do they live in a cottage?  Whatever happened to the cow with what I assume was a golden crown on its head?

Overall:

I guess the best praise I can give this episode is "it didn't hurt as much as the last one to watch it."  It still isn't good, but it wasn't bad, it was just completely mediocre in every way.  It felt like it was rushed out of the script room in a half hour and only took a day to animate with all the stock movement footage, people just standing around while other characters talk to them, and how dialogue and animation just don't sync up.

Again, it's a story (minus the reason why there's no money) that wouldn't really be out of place in the Mario franchise, considering Mario's already been to outer space twice and once had to run a hotel, but if they just cleaned it up a bit and had the Princess tasking the brothers to "explore" the beanstalk or just "find out how high it goes" then it'd make more sense.