Either way, today seems like a good day to do something special, so I'm going to answer two questions, both of which were given to me on Facebook. Two questions so nerdy, I might spontaneously grow tape on the bridge of my glasses.
Let's rock.
To Erik: You must attempt to apprehend one of these heroic characters. Which do you think will be the easiest and why? And as this is a bounty hunt the person must be brought in alive. No disintegrations! Assume you have no scruples and will not care that you are hunting down a hero. Also assume you can access whichever world this character exists in.
1) Luke Skywalker
2) Judge Dredd
3) Batman
4) Captain America
5) Wolverine
6) The Doctor (the Ninth)
7) John Connor (grown up)
8) Aragorn (before the LotR events)
9) Daenerys Targaryen, Storm born, Khaleesi to the yadda yadda yadda (edited for length)
10) John McClane
All right, let's get a few people off the list right away.
Luke Skywalker's out. While I know a lot about the Star Wars universe, I'm not eager to challenge a Jedi. Granted, there are ways to do it, but the problem is that even if I find myself a ysalamiri, that would alert him because there'd be a gap in the Force. I could hire droids to do it, but finding a droid willing to do it and then not shoot me in order to claim the reward itself isn't likely. I could possibly try to capture him in space, but the problem with that is still him being a Jedi. I have no means of keeping him from using mind control on me, flinging me away with telekinesis, or simply using his favorite tactic, destroying control panels to make doors fall.
Judge Dredd is also out, because in order to get him I'd probably have to rely on some local talent to back me up, and that just wouldn't work because, again, once they found out there was a bounty they'd just slit my throat and try to claim it themselves (and fail, as the newest movie proved). Plus, for the very same reasons I spouted before about why I'd want him to be the ultimate bodyguard are the same reasons I wouldn't want him knowing I'm after him.
Plus, I'd probably have to deal with Judge Anderson in order to get to Dredd, and like Luke, I'm not really willing to face down someone who can get inside my head.
John Connor...the moment I caught him a Terminator would probably show up and shoot me in the face. Plus, I refuse to have anything to do with time travel, so he's out.
Same with the Doctor. The problem with him is that not only would time travel probably be involved, it's really hard to chase someone down when they can appear anywhere in space and time. Even if I got inside and grabbed him and somehow overpowered him, I'd probably leave the Tardis to find this:
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| My last words: "That is so cool!" |
Count Daenarys in that same boat as well, I just wouldn't be able to do as much in that world without someone deciding they're going to take me out and take my stuff and leave my body in a ditch.
This leaves Batman, Captain America, John McClane, and Wolverine.
I honestly can't see myself able to bring down Batman simply because of the world he exists in. First off, I do get the advantage of knowing everything about him. I would be able to strike when he's Bruce Wayne, because I'd be one of the only people who knows he's actually Bruce Wayne...the problem is that even if I do come up with a plan to get enough funding to get the equipment I need to actually take him out, even if I do somehow outsmart a man who knows his city like the back of his hand, even if I could somehow attack him at his home and get past the defenses, there's one problem.
I'd have two absolutely terrifying guys trying to hunt me down before I could get back to my own world: Superman and the Joker. And I could only hope that Superman finds me first before "Mistah J" gets hold of me and punishes me for trying to take away "his plaything."
But it would never get to that point, because there's simply no way for me to get the resources to even attempt such a bounty hunt. If word got out at all that I might know who Batman really was, I'd have every hero and villain in the world trying to take my head. I'd have Zatanna using magic to wipe it from my mind, or the Martian Manhunter mindwiping me with telepathy, or I'd be captured by super villains and tortured until I gave it up.
No thanks.
Captain America would be easier, save for the fact that these days he's being protected by the largest spy agency in the Marvel Universe. Now, granted, knowing what I know about that universe, it would be possible for me to get the weapons and allies I need to try to capture him, but there's always that problem of being stabbed in the back or of there being so much force I wind up killing him. If I can't guarantee a safe grab, I'm not going to try, because if I do accidentally kill him, well, there wasn't a Thor running around the last time that happened, and there is now.
The problem with trying to take John McClane alive is that no matter what I do to the man physically, mentally, or emotionally, he will do worse to himself in order to get away from me and then destroy me. You simply can't take a man like that alive unless it's part of his plan. If I tie him up, he'll simply throw himself off of a building and crash through a skylight to get away. I handcuff him to a hot water pipe, he'll burn his hands off ripping the pipe out so he can club me with it. He's out.
So that leaves Wolverine, and honestly, he'd be my pick. I know the Marvel Universe, so I know where to find the allies I need to be able to strike against him. I know where his hangouts are, I know who his friends are, and I know what his weaknesses are.
Now, Wolverine does have the same traits as John McClane, just countered by the fact he has a ridiculous healing factor to deal with. But that actually works against him, because I know he's essentially impossible to kill. This means that if I simply make the right contacts, even some low-level ones, I could probably beat him, and since the people I'd hire aren't really the kind to want to be the "big bad boss" of a plot like this, odds are they'd make pretty loyal minions. The "Old Man Logan" story showed that something simple like Mysterio's illusions (with a few added smells) would be enough to befuddle him. Hiring someone like Hydroman would work well since I don't really see how adamantium claws save you against a guy made out of water. Alternatively, Sandman suffocating him with sand. Even a low, low-level character like Skein could probably help me capture him, and her power is telekinetic control over fabric (hey, it's not strength to hold him in place, it's leverage). Hell, I could beat him with Swarm, and the man's just a large group of Nazi bees.
No seriously, Nazi bees.
And even if that doesn't work, I can just go bigger. Assuming I have no scruples in this job, I'd have access to an entire world with technology allowing me to make all sorts of trouble. Counter his healing factor? I can think of four sources where I could get technology that let me counter mutant powers. Need a way to store him? Force field generators. He's hiding out in a building? I'm sure there's a spare Sentinel somewhere I could use to bring it down on top of him. He's hunting me down? Talk to Arcade about setting up deathtraps that don't mess around. Electrified floors, vacuum chambers, flooded rooms where he can't get traction to cut his way out...my advantage is that I don't have a writer making sure I'm dumb enough to leave him a way to win, because I know that even if I blow off all of his skin, melt his insides, or hit him with a bus, he won't die, he'll just be out long enough to get him stored away and restrained.
So that's my pick, Wolverine. The loner who people wouldn't be surprised if they didn't hear from him for a while, and I wouldn't have an entire planet's worth of superhumans chasing me down immediately afterward.
I'd even be generous and pay the guys I hired to help me do it...never know when I might need them again.
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Bonus Round: If you could bring one video game character to life, who would it be?
Tough choice. I'm assuming in this that I'm bringing them to life with the hope that they'd be my friend, otherwise I'd feel pretty stupid sitting at home, watching the news reports about how Sam Fisher destroyed every terrorist network that existed and feeling bitter that while the world may be a better place, you'd think I'd get something out of the deal. I'm also assuming I'm not simply bringing the character here to date me, because not only would that be sad and pathetic, but it'd be a pretty simple choice.
But we're not going down THAT road again.
If I was going to bring a video game character to life, I'd want to make sure of three things:
1) They wouldn't feel completely out of place in this world. This rules out pretty much everybody from any older time, so no Assassin's Creed characters, no Dragon Age characters, no characters from worlds that are pretty much sword and sorcery.
2) I'd want them to be able to do something for the world. I'm bringing someone to life from nothing, I'm not just going to have it be someone who wants to sit around on the couch and watch television all day. Maybe someone with some magical abilities that could be used to help people, or some advanced knowledge of technology to take mankind to the next level. Maybe just someone with strong leadership capabilities that could help unite people.
3) Nobody who looks too freaky. I don't want Garrus from Mass Effect to feel like a total outsider more than he might already, and I don't want peoples' prejudices to hold back him being able to contribute.
4) They have to be cool to hang out with. No evil people or jerks.
5) No characters who started out in other media first. This rules out Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, and so on. That'd be cheating.
There are a few immediate choices that come to mind. Mayor Mike Haggar would be great to have, because I'm pretty sure he'd be able to win any election based on his "take off his shirt and suplex criminals" platform. Whatever city, state, or country he ruled over would have every gang immediately give up their ways lest they find him at their door chewing on a turkey he found in a trash can and wielding a giant pipe.
Lara Croft would be pretty neat, as long as it was the newest one and not one of her other, older selves. Down to earth, human, and willing to simply head out traveling to see what's over the next hill would be pretty exciting, though I suspect we'd find out that there are a lot more groups of bandits, murderers, and cults worshiping strange gods than we ever expected there to be.
Rikku from Final Fantasy X-2 would be like a little sister, bringing with her an advanced knowledge of mechanics as well as a continuous upbeat attitude that seems rare in game characters these days. Considering she's able to remain cheerful and hopeful in a world where giant monsters have, in the past, demolished entire civilizations, I think she'd be a bright spot in the world, able to help us advance while also keeping people with different ideas from getting too stressed out.
Another obvious choice is Professor Layton, the man so smart that any puzzle in the world can be solved by him in a ridiculously short time frame. "Oh no, we're running out of oil!" Solved. "How do we solve tension in the middle east?" Solved. "A meteor is going to collide with Earth!" Solved. Plus the man also goes on great adventures, and could probably use a Watson to his Holmes.
But if I had to pick one person, I think I'd let sentimentality overwhelm my common sense and go with someone who would not only be able to help the entire world with their power, but is someone who I feel deserved that chance at life.
Elizabeth from Bioshock Infinite, with her strong personality, desire to see the world, and the power to rewrite reality around her is, in my opinion, the best possible pick. She'd be the same "little sister" type character as Rikku, but would experience a true joy at being able to travel the world and help other people. Whether it's replacing a barren landscape with fertile soil from some parallel timeline or simply helping restore buildings that were damaged or destroyed, she'd want to help people in the tightest of situations. She's my pick for the video game character the world needs.
Though a close second is Rydia from Final Fantasy IV.
Black magic powers, white magic powers, and the ability to summon creatures from other worlds? She'd do so much wonder for this world that it boggles the mind.
Plus, y'know, mrowr. ...sorry.
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