But in the meantime, because my suffering hasn't reached any actual extremes yet (though I do feel warm all the time, I wonder why sunburns do that), I've decided to continue my reviews of episodes of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.
Because the sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can move on to something else.
Three episodes left, including this one, so let's see if the bar can get any lower than the last one's terrible retelling of a Shakespearean classic.
...well, it looks like they might try to give it a run for it's money. I really, really hope this isn't the story of how Bowser Jr. came to be and why he refers to the Princess as "Mama Peach."
Actually, no, wait. Let's forget about the episode and discuss Bowser Jr.
Bowser Jr. made his first appearance in Super Mario Sunshine, which I think is a highly underrated gem. The game play is shaken up dramatically from the standard "run jump swim fly" in that you only really get one power-up, a sentient water vacuum that can either spray bad guys with a fire hose or act as a water-powered jet pack.
And as we all know, I'm highly in favor of any games that provide me with a jet pack.
But here's the troubling part. When you confront the "mystery villain" it winds up being a tinier version of Bowser who claims to be protecting "Mama Peach" from the evil Mario. This, in actuality, would make for a VERY interesting game, since you could assume Bowser's political spin might have all of his people convinced that Mario is the aggressor and he's simply trying to liberate the Princess from a life of... I don't know, maybe he shows them episodes of the cartoons so they think Mario's just keeping the Princess around to feed him and laugh at terrible pasta jokes.
I know I'd try to liberate a kingdom from him if that was the case.
But then it gets creepier.
Here, watch the scene for yourself.
You know, if a freaky turtle came out of nowhere and promptly announced that my girlfriend was its parent, the first thing I'd expect my girlfriend to do is, oh, I don't know, deny it.
THIS NEVER HAPPENS.
Either the Princess is suddenly remembering a hazy night at Mushroom Kingdom Mardi Gras where she woke up surrounded by bits of egg shell and with a tramp stamp of a chain chomp, Peach lost a bet after a really intense round of go-karts, or there's stuff from her past that she really, really needs to tell Mario about.
Seriously, "I'm your mama?" "So you're Bowser's son?" Where's the "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I would NOT have a kid with a freaky dragon creature! My biology isn't equipped to produce an offspring like you! There aren't enough mushrooms, alcohol, or invulnerability stars to convince me that hooking up with a dragon is a good idea."
...what was I talking about originally? Oh, right, the episode.
Well, it begins with some bad animation (seriously, the background frame needed to be shifted about two inches to the right so Mario's head isn't phased into a wall) and an explanation that the good guys are already captured by Koopa. Mario and Luigi are behind bars, the Princess is about as useless as ever, and Toad...well, he attempts to take Koopa on mano-a-mano and gets turned into a rock for his troubles, which I think is the first time I've seen anything reference that Koopa's magic was what turned all of the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom into those wooden blocks that you smashed up in the first Super Mario Brothers game.
No, seriously, look it up. Every time you smashed a block, you committed murder.
So with one guy down, Koopa pulls a lever that...somehow makes Mario and Luigi's cell walls start to come together, though I'm not really sure how the bars are supposed to keep the brothers in if they're also inside the wall acting as guides, but you see Mario actually standing on a bar at one point, so...anyway, the construction of the dungeon makes no sense, but there's no obvious escape (other than simply ducking between the bars) for the brothers.
So it comes down to the Princess, who promises to do anything if Koopa agrees to not kill Mario and Luigi. Koopa says the only thing he'd accept is her hand in marriage since that would make him the legal ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom...which I'm not really sure if that's how royal weddings work. Wouldn't she still rule and he'd simply be the Prince Consort? Or if it goes both ways, wouldn't that make the Princess the Queen of Koopa's people?
Anyway, the Princess and Koopa come to an agreement, he'll restore Toad and her people before the wedding and then set Mario and Luigi free after the wedding...which is pretty smart, when you think about it. The only two guys who ever gave him any problems are going to remain stuck in a cell that they've already established they can't escape from. For a cartoon show, it's a pretty good plan.
I do like the fact as well that Koopa was even willing to negotiate at all while two people were about to be crushed to death. You'd think he'd just go "Oh, I'm sorry, we're negotiating? Let me get back to you in ten seconds after I've killed your friends."
Mario and Luigi agree they have to stop the wedding after everybody leaves, and the two pull out spoons. Mario states "And what do plumbers do best after fixing pipes?" ...you know, it's been a while since I've done a "choose your own response," so pick the one you think fits best.
a) "Buy pants that don't stay up!"
b) "Live as one-note stereotypes that would embarrass Jersey Shore and exist solely for pasta!"
c) "Abandon their brother to a tertiary role behind a pet dinosaur and a revolving door series of annoying sidekicks to help him save the day instead!"
d) "Well, what it is ain't pretty. Snikt."
Apparently, the answer is "dig" which I don't think would be anywhere within the top 100 guesses I'd make.
Koopa works on getting the wedding ready, including dressing up in his best tux that he borrowed from Prince.
Koopa actually seems to be taking the wedding pretty seriously, demanding a band and having all of his friends invited. But when Mouser asks "what friends," we see Koopa get flustered for a moment before saying "Fine, invite my mother, she'll show up for the cake." This makes me wonder if all of his issues stem from simply wanting to be loved.
...or it's just inconsistent writing.
But man, I think that's the most character depth we've had since we started this series, and when the most well-developed character is a bizarre turtle dragon creature instead of three humans and a sentient fungus, that's pretty sad.
The Princess shows up to remind Koopa that he has to set her people free before the wedding, and sure enough he does it, and the entire Mushroom Kingdom Population (all four of them) leaves in peace, with Toad sniffling at the Princess' fate before being forcibly tossed out.
The Mario Brothers emerge outside the castle from all their digging, just in time to see Koopa sneak out a side passage and turn the entire Mushroom Kingdom population (five, including Toad) back into stone because he can. So much for character depth.
Mario and Luigi decide it's time to take action...and tell the Princess that Koopa lied so she won't marry him because yeah, that's where they should focus their attention. They start trying to think of how to get inside the castle ignoring two rather important notes:
1) THEY JUST DUG A TUNNEL OUT OF THE CASTLE, PRESUMABLY THEY COULD DIG BACK IN.
2) THERE IS A STAIRCASE OUTSIDE THE CASTLE RIGHT BEHIND THEM. WHY NOT TAKE IT?
STAIRS. RIGHT THERE.
But no, instead we get the two of them dressing up like Italian chefs catering the wedding stating they have "bug soup" for Koopa. After a bit of time where Mario's words come from Luigi's mouth due to more bad dubbing (sigh), we cut back to the wedding where Koopa's attempts to teach the band how to play music is interrupted by the arrival of- OH DEAR GOD.
You're not imagining things, that's Koopa's mother. A terrible crossbreeding between a member of Jerrica Benton from Jem having a baby with Godzilla.
I guess we know where Koopa got his desire to mate with human women from.
She doesn't even bat an eye at the fact that Koopa's marrying a human, and even insists that the two of them spend their honeymoon with her, which I think might be the creepiest thing I've seen in this show so far. Let's go back to Mario and Luigi.
You know, guys, when your disguises fail, maybe you don't need to always take a minute to play "patty-cake" with each other (without being in sync, either) just to do something like "throw what I was carrying at the bad guy and run away."
When the heroes stumble upon the room where the rocks that used to be people are kept, Mario comes up with a rather clever plan. Toad knows his way around the castle, so they'll simply go to where Koopa keeps his scepter, change Toad back, and have Toad lead them to the Princess.
So while Luigi carries a large rock around that may or may not actually be Toad (his shape never stays constant between shots), Mario notices a large wedding cake being pushed by, announces they're close, and starts to follow it. In other words...they're heading right to where the Princess and Koopa are. Which made the entire previous scene completely pointless.
Koopa leaves the wedding (okay, hold on, first I want to point out how great it is that a three-headed snake is playing the part of the minister, that's just awesome) to get his tux on, and Mario sneaks in to grab his scepter, free Toad, and then get to the Princess to call off the wedding instead of, oh, I don't know, turning Koopa to stone. Maybe it's the sunburn, but this episode is just making me angry.
Mario gets his hands on the magic wand and immediately uses it to turn himself into "Super Mario" ... and then he does the last thing I ever expected to see in this show.
While freeing Toad, he also turns Luigi into "Super Luigi." Mario, stop doing nice things, or I just won't know what to think about any more. Actually, wait, I do know what to think, let's see if it happens.
Using the wand that way burns it out and it crumbles to dust, which the two brothers decide isn't at all important because they need to stop the wedding (so much for rescuing Princess Toadstool's people). They arrive just in time to keep the Princess from saying "I do," attack the cake with fireballs (?), and when the Princess hears that Koopa lied, she throws a chunk of cake in his face and storms out while he sits on the floor dejected.
...you know, Koopa may be a grade-A jerk, but I actually feel bad for him.
So, where does the episode leave us? The Princess, Toad, Mario, and Luigi are free (I guess) to simply leave instead of, I don't know, blasting Koopa to bits with fireballs while they still have super powers. The Princess' people are doomed to forever remain as rocks because Mario burnt out Koopa's magic wand. Koopa's mother is disappointed in her bachelor son and smacks him with a drum.
Cue dancing Lou, I guess.
The Good:
Well, we had a three-headed snake playing the part of a priest. I'm not sure how that religion works in this world, but I think it's cool.
Okay, there was more, and it once again revolved around Koopa. We got to see where his possible self-esteem issues, his drive to always have to prove himself by being "badder and the best at everything," and (I guess) where his desire to mate with a human woman comes from with the introduction of his mother. As soon as you introduce someones mother to a story and have them immediately insist that a newlywed couple spend their time with her, you already know where a lot of the bad guy's issues come from.
The Bad:
There's way too much to go into detail, so let's just summarize:
The building design/backgrounds make no sense from an architectural or logical viewpoint. The animation is sloppy with bad dubbing and mismatched frames. The story line has huge gaping logic holes and somehow managed to leave the "heroes" in an even worse situation than they started in since the device needed to free people was destroyed. Since when are plumbers renowned for their ability to dig through rocks with spoons? Why does the Mushroom Kingdom only have four people when we can see a lot of rocks in the "trophy" room?
And so much more. So much, much more.
Overall:
...two episodes left. That's all that matters.
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