Ask Erik: Episode Thirty-Seven

Here at Ask Erik we've spent a lot of time reading novels and comic books, playing video games, and watching television and movies in order to amass a deep vault of pop culture knowledge.  While constantly trying to still gather new information, it only seems prudent to share some of what we have learned to help solve some of the world's greatest questions.

What's the oldest word origin you know?  How can tiny little meteors cause such huge damage when they enter our atmosphere?  How does "Goo Gone" work?

Once a week Erik tackles a question asked to him and tries to answer it in a method that handles the topic with the respect and attention it deserves.  Failing that, he'll at least try to make it funny so you don't regret reading it.

To Erik: What was the deal with Big Barda and doing porn?

Well, I knew I'd have to address this eventually, but I didn't expect it to be because someone was actively asking me about it.

See, back in the 80s, there was a time someone made a pornographic movie starring Superman.

Nononono, I mean in the comics someone made- okay, look, let's start over.

To break this down, we need to go way back to Action Comics #592 and 593, two of the most infamous issues of John Byrne's run on the title.

By all rights, this looks like it's just your normal, everyday issue where they present a conflict on the cover that might or might not actually happen in the story itself.  The story begins with Big Barda, the greatest of the Female Furies of Apokalips (and if you don't know what that all means, go Google it, it's too much to explain here) accidentally finding herself in the "Suicide Slums" of Metropolis.  Picture a red light district in Amsterdam, and then take away all the money.

Needless to say, a seven foot tall amazonian powerhouse draws a little attention in such a place, and after she tosses aside a pimp who tries to convince her to work for him, she winds up getting her purse stolen by what might be the unluckiest thief who ever thieved.  Not to mention the fact that he's also the dumbest, stealing the purse of a woman who just threw a guy ten feet into garbage with a backhand.

Barda takes off after him, leaping over crowds and ripping an iron grating out of its frame, but the thief escapes into the sewers where a strange creature gets him before Barda can.  The creature's master recognizes the technology of Barda's "mega rod" (insert joke here), and uses it to knock her unconscious.

We jump two days into the future where Superman is dealing with some unimportant side plot about old people being bathed in radiation that's keeping them alive when they should be dead (clearly extended lives and mysterious energy that causes such will not stand in this city), and he winds up in the sewers searching for the source.

Meanwhile, Barda's been a bit mind-controlled.

Can I just point out again that this is two days later, and he has her dancing around wearing an outfit that I can only assume was fed through a paper shredder before she put it on.  TWO DAYS.  Heaven only knows what a creature known as "Sleez" was doing during those two days.

Sleez explains his origin as a creature so petty and cruel that even Darkseid didn't want him around, and he wound up banished to Earth where he's been living in the sewers since.  It's at this point that Superman shows up and distracts Sleez long enough for Barda to regain her weapon and armor up, ready to kill Sleez for what he's done to her.  However, Superman still lives by that strict "no killing" rule, and steps between the two.  Barda figures he's under Sleez's control as well, and attacks him instead, using her rod to weaken him.  Sleez's creature (that we still haven't really seen yet) swipes the weapon and Sleez pulls a convenient lever that drops the two down a trap door.

At the start of issue #593- wait, first I have to post the cover.

Yeah, a bit different, innit?

We open back at Big Barda and Mister Miracle's house, where we see that Mister Miracle has a rather unique way of opening his front door: he has to bypass a laser grid, disarm an explosive, and unlock the door with a hidden key in order to get in.  HIS OWN HOUSE.  IN UNDER NINE SECONDS.

He manages to get inside (his whole schtick being "world's greatest escape artist"), and discovers what might be the single greatest page in comic book history.

Let's break that down.  Darkseid, the "greatest evil" and "embodiment of the darkness all creatures are capable of" for all intents and purposes is chilling out in Mister Miracle's home, drinking his brandy, and sitting in a pinkish purplish easy chair.  An easy chair with ruffles.  Why is he there?

Why, to drop off a video tape his agents bought in a store in Suicide Slums, of course.  What's great is that after he hands the tape over, Mister Miracle and his friend Oberon there are immediately suspicious it's a trap designed to take control of their minds.  You'd think Apokalips would have better technology that they wouldn't need to have it on a VHS cassette, they'd at least spring for Blu-Ray.

Observe their reaction as they watch the tape.

Darkseid gives Mister Miracle the location of the shop, and I want to stop for a moment to describe how I think this is Darkseid's finest moment.  Sure, he later managed to control almost all of the minds on Earth and get them to become slaves to his will.  Sure, he once razed the galaxy in the future and almost brought the United Planets to its knees.  Sure, he can regularly go toe-to-toe with Superman in combat and rules over the most hellish planet ever designed by man...

But to go out of your way from trying to figure out how to destroy everything to have your people buy a pornographic video, stop over to personally drop it off, drink the man's alcohol and probably ruin whatever butt groove was carved into that cushion, stick around while he watches it, admit that actions you took in the past indirectly lead to this happening, 

THAT is the true definition of evil.

Meanwhile, Sleez stops off at a production studio for, well, you know what kind of movies they must put out, because he talks to the guy in charge ("Mr. Grossman," because subtlety is for wimps) who says they have thousands of orders for the Barda tape and he's had to produce a lot of copies.  Keep in mind copies have already been sold.

Sleez reveals he has Superman under his control and proposes Grossman make a movie featuring him and Barda (since she's the only "co-star" who wouldn't be destroyed by being in such a scene with the Man of Steel, and THIS IS AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION SLEEZ AND GROSSMAN HAVE), while Mr. Miracle arrives to investigate what happened to his wife.

He's immediately set upon by a mob of crazed hobos.

The mob tosses him in a dumpster, dumps more trash on top of him, welds the dumpster shut because of course they just happen to keep one of those around, and then they push the dumpster off of a pier into the ocean.

This is the very next page after you see it sink to the bottom of the harbor.

Remember, "ultimate escape artist."

Anyway, back at the studio Superman apparently already showed up with the pizza that Barda couldn't pay for, but they're having difficulty getting the action to be hot and heavy.  Seems Superman's strong moral code is resisting the mind control, which wouldn't be a problem given enough time, but Mister Miracle happens to glance down through a skylight, see what's happening, and crash through it.

At this point Sleez unleashes his pink tentacle monster on people.

It's a good thing I have these images, or you'd all swear I was making this stuff up.

Since Sleez was distracted by Mister Miracle's arrival, Barda and Superman are freed, and Barda kills the creature while Superman pursues Sleez.  Sleez, however, doesn't want to be taken to any kind of prison and decides it's better to light a match in the sewers than be taken alive.  

Barda, Mister Miracle, and Superman discuss that Darkseid must have wanted them to "finish the job" and get rid of Sleez once and for all, Barda asks why Superman bothered to save Sleez in the beginning, and then this happens.

The expression on Mister Miracle's face is pure gold in that first panel.  "Uh, hey, while your husband is standing right here, I mean, I'm not entirely sure, but I think we, y'know..."

Superman's a bit of a dick.

Anyway, Superman takes Grossman into custody (and presumably keeps the tape of him and Barda for himself), and discovers that the whole reason he went to Suicide Slum (remember? Old people? Radiation?) had nothing to do with the action in the past two issues.

Oh, and there's still probably hundreds of tapes of Barda doing whatever she did on that original tape still floating around somewhere.

As one person  I follow online pointed out, "if there’s one thing I believe with every fiber of my being, it is this: In the DC Universe, “Superman’s Makeout Fail” was definitely the first video uploaded to YouTube."

I'm sure the Barda one can be found elsewhere online.

Also, I really wish I could say this is the only instance I know of there being a pink tentacle monster in media meant for kids, but there was that one episode of GI Joe...

Anyway, that'll be for another time.