From The Sinkhole Bar & Grill
Danny Thompson, Manager
Dear Mr. Grammer,
I would have written to you sooner but it took me this long to be able to find a means of contacting you. I'm not sure if you personally remember the events that occurred in my establishment last Tuesday, but I'm sure that between TMZ, the tabloids, and the explosions on Twitter and Facebook, you've been able to piece it together.
Just in case, though, I thought I'd offer my assistance in helping you piece together the events of that evening.
We don't get many celebrities in our establishment, and I'll admit that we bent the rules a bit when you and your entourage showed up fifteen minutes before closing time. It's our own fault, and the press we're now featured in is our own responsibility. In hindsight, regardless of your celebrity level, it was probably not the best idea to provide your group with your own personal bartender, especially when our primary bartender didn't want to stay, leaving just the new girl, Christie.
For the most part, the evening seemed to be going well. Your party was drinking enough to keep us profitable into the evening, and you had assured us ahead of time that your group's bus was parked around the corner for everybody to safely be driven home in. Trouble started at approximately three in the morning, when Christie, a sweet local girl, came by, served you your drink choice, and asked if there was anything else you needed.
It's been a long night here, and a long night there
And these long, long legs, are damn near everywhere
(hold up now)
You look good, I will not lie
But if you ask where I'm staying tonight
I gotta be like oh, baby, no, baby, you got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all of my love
Mr. Grammer, I've known Christie since she was young, her father and I were friends since high school. Her family is in church every Sunday, she volunteers regularly with foster children, and she's working hard to graduate with honors from our local college. She's like a daughter to me, so when she tells me she didn't try to flirt with you, I believe her. I'm not sure what part of "Is there anything else I can get you?" lead you to believe that she was attempting to flirt.
That being said, we all know that bartenders and waitresses have people flirt with them, so Christie was willing to let it slide. However, it seemed you weren't done.
So nah, nah, honey, I'm good
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
And if I stay I might not leave alone
No, honey, I'm good
I could have another but I probably should not
I gotta bid you adieu,
To another I will stay true.
If you were worried about being "too drunk," Mr. Grammer, I think the fact that you immediately got up and started running around the bar making cartoonish train whistle noises ("Woo woo" in case you were wondering) was a pretty good sign you already had that "one too many."
It's not unheard of for people to order a drink and then decide they shouldn't actually have it. I personally applaud someone when they're able to determine their limits. However, considering the drink you just ordered, I must say I was rather disappointed you didn't make this realization earlier.
Now better men than me have failed
Drinking from that unholy grail
Sir, our "Holy Grail" is the signature drink of our bar, and it's one we take a lot of pride in. Combining some of the more expensive ingredients from behind our bar, it's a drink that we tend to save for special occasions or at least require people to pay for first. When you turned this drink away, it became just one more part of an expensive night we were not going to see compensation for immediately, but also a personal insult to our establishment.
I got her, and she got me
And you've got that ass, but I kindly
Gotta be like oh, baby, no, baby, you got me all wrong, baby
My baby's already got all my love
I was present for this part of the evening. Christie was attempting to reclaim the beverage before it was spilled (I, personally, think it's delicious, and would have been willing to chill it for my own personal use later), when you suddenly came up behind her and started whispering to her. Christie's expression alone told me she did not appreciate you being that close to her, or that you slapped her rear for emphasis. That's harassment, Mr. Grammer, and the only reason this letter isn't being delivered by our lawyers was Christie's insistence that she simply wants to put the whole thing behind her.
So nah, nah, honey, I'm good
I could have another but I probably should not
I got somebody at home,
And if I stay I might not leave alone
No, honey, I'm good
I could have another but I probably should not
I gotta bid you adieu,
To another I will stay true.
At this point you and your group started stomping around the bar making train sounds again. Tables were knocked over, several chairs were damaged, and there was broken glasses and bottles scattered around the floor. The fact nobody cut their foot and needed to visit the hospital is, in my eyes, a small miracle.
While it took me a moment to get to you, it was at this point I informed you that you and your group would have to leave. Christie was extremely shaken up, and because of the events from this evening, we've had to restructure our bar layout so that a bouncer is able to get anywhere they're needed in case things get out of hand.
When I got you to the door, however, it seemed you weren't done yet, and shouted back at Christie words that I hope you regret, in hindsight.
Oh, I'm sure ya, sure ya will make somebody's night
But, oh, I assure ya, assure ya, it sure as hell's not mine
I hope that in all the interviews you're doing about that night, you take the time to apologize for how you treated Christie. She's a good girl, Mr. Grammer, and does not deserve being treated in such a trashy manner.
I watched your group leave after I, to put it politely, escorted you out. It sounded like your group was still attempting to make train sounds while you assured everybody you were going to be true. However, as one member of your party threw up into a trash can, I for some reason remember your saying "keep your head up."
Please find attached to this letter a bill for the alcohol and damages you and your party caused that evening. If we don't receive payment in a timely manner, you will be hearing from our lawyers.
Needless to say, you are no longer welcome back at The Sinkhole Bar & Grill.
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