Reviewing Is Magic: Episode 8

One of the aspects of the show "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" that has absolutely fascinated me is the weather patterns of the world these characters live in.  From all the various series, comics, and movies I've watched, it is truly mind-blowing that it's a show about young horses learning about friendship that has me the most interested about how the climate works on both a micro and a macro level.

This isn't to say that weather hasn't crossed my mind while watching or reading other series.  It's especially been something I've pondered during my time as a fan of comic book superheroes, particularly when it comes to Thor and Ororo Monroe, codenamed "Storm."

Both of these characters have control over the weather, able to not just make lightning strike wherever they want, but also cause storms to form or dissipate at will.  Ororo has created perfectly blue skies for a softball game or caused it to rain when she was angry at someone who was out for a run.  Thor regularly summons mighty winds and clouds to use as weapons against his opponents, and all I can keep wondering as I read is "how does this affect the weather on a local or a global scale?"

I keep waiting for a comic that features a lawsuit against one of these heroes, where their actions cause flood rains to be moved out of their projected path into an area where storms typically don't fall, or for much-needed rain for crops to simply be diverted away from farmland.  In one comic I have, Thor actually summons the trade winds to disperse a cloud that an enemy created, and that's officially affecting the weather on a global scale.

But this topic is never discussed, as far as I know.  I'm yet to see either hero refuse to alter the weather patterns because of any ecological damage it might cause.

On the other hand, we have episode eight of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, where we not only learn that there's a set schedule to weather patterns, but storm systems are actually built by winged horses, meticulously positioning every cloud into its proper place before the rains begin.

This episode starts by watching clouds be pushed into position by various pegasuses (pegasi?) who I'm sure have actual names, but I can't be bothered to look up.  We also have Rarity and Rainbow Dash down at ground level, getting rid of dead limbs from branches to prepare for said storm.

I really like the fact that Rarity complains about how what would be a "lovely day" is going to be ruined by this storm, and Applejack points out that a "sprinkle" was skipped the week before, so a "doozy of a downpour" is needed to make up for it.  This is said, of course, while she kicks trees to knock limbs loose.  I will never get over that.

But think about that for a moment.  There's a system, somewhere up where the peg- okay, hold on, I'm hitting Google for this.

Plural: Pegasi.

Got it.

Anyway, somewhere is a system where pegasi calculate how much rain is needed to maintain an area, and when even a small weather system is missed, it messes everything else up so badly the attempt to make up for it becomes exponentially larger than the original effort.  If I didn't know better, I'd say that one of the writers on the show might be trying to make us think there's actual scientific research involved here somewhere.

Now, something else I need to address is actually something I mentioned before, and that is that if Twilight Sparkle had never arrived in Ponyville, it's entirely likely some of these ponies would not be friends.  This holds especially true for Applejack and Rarity, who are polar opposite personalities.  Rarity gets caught up in details, Applejack looks at the bigger picture.  Rarity is delicate and demure and prissy, Applejack...well, she kicks trees on a regular basis and redirects cattle stampedes.  Rarity works in fashion, Applejack is a farmer.

This whole "conflict" is established pretty quickly, as both ponies wind up arguing for so long that it takes the storm breaking directly overhead to make them realize they need to find quick shelter.

The two get called into Twlight's domicile, and Applejack wins the award for "most practical thinker" by pointing out that "being inside of a tree during a lightning storm" might not be the best idea.

Of course, Twilight just says there's a "magic lightning rod" on top of it, so, whatever.  But I appreciate the writers thinking of something I'd think of.

We also get an interesting moment where both Applejack and Rarity get to make an aside about how, not only are they not really friends with each other, but they almost seem to despise each other.  But this needs to take a back seat for a moment to discuss what is both the saddest thing I've ever seen on this show, and something I'm absolutely jealous of.

Twilight gets the idea to have both ponies stay over for a slumber party (something she's always wanted to do), and she quickly fetches a book.  It's a book titled Slumber 101: All You Ever Wanted To Know About Slumber Parties But Were Afraid To Ask.   I'm guessing there's no Woody Allen ponies in existence making films of a similar vein.  It's also important to point out just how proud Twilight is of having this book, her "own personal copy," and she's been "waiting for a chance to use it."

The first time I heard her say that, I died a little inside.  I'll admit, I felt bad for Twilight, but I also felt compassion, having never really been the "social butterfly" growing up.  I could probably count the number of times I've stayed over at another person's house on one hand, and if I found a copy of that book at a bookshop, I'd probably be tempted to pick it up...not as a personal reference, but maybe to just read out of curiosity.

...anyway.

So we get some of the usual slumber party activities, each of which has moments of Applejack and Rarity all but attacking each other.  We have Applejack being humiliated through make-overs...

We also have bizarre ghost stories ("The Headless Horse" actually sounds cool), and we have s'mores an-

....whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

...okay, we're all set.  I forgot that while marshmallows are technically made out of hooves and other animal parts (where did you think gelatin came from?) I guess they can't use horse hooves for it.  That...would have been rather terrible.

Glue, on the other hand, we'll get to in a later episode.  One that also features Rarity.

So we get to truth or dare and a pillow fight, both of which spiral out of control as tempers flare, and Twilight suggests everybody just heads to bed...and this is where one of the more surreal moments happens.

Applejack and Rarity share a bed.  ...no, this isn't any kind of freaky thing, unless you count the fact that two ponies are lying down on a mattress...a phrase I never thought I'd say.  How this works with pony biology, joint make-up, and physics just...it just boggles the mind.  And then there's how they get into bed.

I'm seriously overthinking this series.


Twilight chews out both ponies for "ruining her first slumber party" (again, I died a little inside), followed by a lightning strike (and Applejack's jumping to action) causing an over-sized branch to crash through Twilight's window, and things quickly deteriorate from there.  Twilight suffers what appears to be a tiny meltdown as she consults her book for anything involving tree branches, and we get to one more reason why I like Applejack so much.

Applejack manages to put aside her pride first to apologize to Rarity, point out that the other pony was right (about some things, not everything), and asks for help.  She even says "please."  Together, the two ponies manage to clean everything up,

Applejack and Rarity become friends, Twilight gets to check off "have fun" from her slumber party checklist (seriously, if you have to put that down on a list of things to do during any kind of "party," that's just tragic), and we end with Applejack goose-stepping.

Yeah, this show gets weird.

So, yeah, let's see what's next for My Little Pony: Freundschaft ist Magie.

It appears to be...voodoo and racism.  Oh, boy!

Podblast! The Nerdist

After a good night's sleep and a chance to decompress, I think I'm over the Japanese Ninja Turtles cartoon.  It was rough, and there are still questions I have, but as it is I can only assume that the people scripting the series were children, as I'm reminded of a story I heard told by a woman who sat next to a young child on an airplane.  After take-off, the girl turned to her and asked, "When do we get smaller?"  After all, that had been her first trip to the airport, and as she clearly saw with her own two eyes, every plane that left got tiny.

That was the writers of that series.  They were children who managed to look at the facts presented to them and reached the unavoidable wrong conclusion.  I mean, seriously, how does a show expect me to believe that cleaving a skyscraper in half cause it to fall like a tree and land on a giant MechaShredder's h-.....

...okay, deep breaths.  Let's look at something that usually helps me calm down.

I present the podcast I've probably listed to the most number of episodes from (although probably not as often as I've listened to other podcasts repeated), Chris Hardwick's The Nerdist Podcast.

Chris Hardwick is a stand-up comedian originally being known as "that guy who's sick of being asked if he slept with Jenny McCarthy when he hosted "Singled Out" on MTV" or "that guy who was once Wil Wheaton's roommate."

Since then, he's acted on numerous shows, hosted Web Soup, and has had a lengthy career in stand-up, but what he's most well-known for now is founding Nerdist Industries, which produces content for television, the radio, and the web.  He has The Talking Dead, which airs after AMC's hit show The Walking Dead, several video series based off of the hit video game Skyrim, the video series for Startalk (which I've already discussed before), and, my favorite, he does All-Star Celebrity Bowling with a rotating cast of guest stars.  Because, seriously, who doesn't want to see a group of comedians bowl against the cast of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Doctor Who, or Mythbusters?

Seriously, the guy's made quite the little media empire, and it seems to just keep growing.

However, the thing I turn to every week is the original podcast, which currently is well past 300 episodes.  Chris Hardwick has a natural talent for interviewing people, whether it's celebrities like Tom Hanks, Neil Patrick Harris, or Mel Brooks (seriously, Mel Frickin Brooks), or simply rising comedians, scientists, or Internet personalities.  His podcasts are truly unique, because unlike a traditional "interview," it's mostly just him spending over an hour talking to his guests about whatever they want to talk about.

Someone comes on wanting to discuss their typewriter collection (spoiler alert: it was Tom Hanks), that's what they talk about.  Someone wants to discuss what they watched on TV the night before or the history of British comedy or simply where a good place to get food in Los Angeles is, that's what they talk about, but Chris manages to keep the guest engaged as well as act as a great foil for us, the audience, since he asks the questions and makes the jokes we're thinking about.

There are also occasional "hostful" episodes, where it's simply Chris and his two cohosts, and while I wasn't as fond of these episodes as I was the interviews, I actually feel like I somewhat know these hosts as people, just not random voices on my mp3 player.  I could listen to a radio host talk to celebrities forever without learning anything substantial about them, or watch Jay Leno or David Letterman talk to stars every night without really getting a sense of who the host is (not including the times when animals visit, those show pretty quickly what the host's personality is).

Plus, I think it helps that, at its core, the Nerdist Podcast is about celebrating what makes you a nerd, something that Chris is regular to point out is nothing to be ashamed of.  He likes to point out that, in today's world, the nerds won.  Everybody has an mp3 player and a computer, video games are multi-billion dollar industry, comic book movies are the biggest blockbusters Hollywood has seen, and it just keeps growing and growing.  Whether you're a programmer, a scientist, a filmmaker, or just someone who likes James Bond a little too much, there's a bit of nerd in everybody these days, and it's those positive "nerd" traits (y'know, the ability to focus and be imaginative to solve problems, not the "unable to talk to other human beings" thing) that should be encouraged.

I almost wanted to put Chris Hardwick down first on my "influences" columns, as I've recently picked up his book The Nerdist Way to read, as it seems to talk a lot about how to use those traits that once got you stuffed in a locker to realize what potential your life has and seize it.  However, I'm still only part way into it, so we'll see how well it does on that.

In the meantime, I can't recommend enough that people go to his website and check it out, I can almost guarantee there will be something there you'll find that tickles your fancy.

After all, the man got to do the music video for a new Ben Folds song, guest-starring the Fraggles for their 30th anniversary.  The man's making quality entertainment.

It Came From Japan...

Before I begin this article, I think I need to clarify a term I've used a lot recently.  People will frequently see me use the term "insane" in my reviews, but I don't think I express very well what I mean when I say that.

A perfect way to clarify this is to look at anime I've watched over the years, starting by what many would describe as a truly insane choice, FLCL.

I won't deny it, this anime is completely nuts.  The overall "story" (if we're being generous) is that a twelve year old boy's head acts as a portal for giant robot monsters to emerge into our world, just to be fought by another robot with a television for a head and a woman who beats things to death with a vintage electric guitar.

Much like the shade of yellow of that Vespa in the picture, this show is b-a-n-a-n-a-s.  However, I get the plot.  I understand who the characters are, why they're doing what they're doing, and they're presented with a consistent character that doesn't suddenly swerve to no end without any reason why.

Another series I loved which qualifies as insane is Excel Saga.

This is the touching story of two young women working for a secret organization with plans to take over the world fighting against the world's mightiest afro, the world's cutest race of alien invaders, and bringing eternal torment to a small dog that the main character (the one on the right) keeps around as "emergency food."

I will grant you, this series is one you have to watch twice to figure out what's going on, but it's more "random" than "insane."  Instead of the characters having a path that goes from point A to B with a few diversions in between, I remember thinking it felt like someone just threw darts at a list of plot ideas and, when they hit a writing block, just started throwing more darts.

This isn't to say I don't love it, just that acting completely random isn't the same thing, in my eye, to being completely insane.

So now we come to what I just recently watched, which I maintain is the most insane thing I've seen come out of Japan.

NOT ONLY does this two-part series take established characters from media and adapt them to a more Japanese storytelling model...

NOT ONLY does it keep the original animation style from the original series, just changing it when the characters bring out new powers...

NOT ONLY does it introduce things into the "canon" that will never be talked of again and make absolutely no sense in this world...

...it decides to do all of this to the most popular cartoon series ever.

I present... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Superman Legend.

Now, if I was going to bring a series from another country, one that was sort-of staggering to the end of a decade long dominance of toy sales and cartoon watching (before Mighty Morphin Power Rangers took it all away, anyway), and then try to drastically change it up by bringing in local flavors, I might try to make it a more gradual process, giving the audience a chance to acclimate itself to this sudden shift in storytelling focus.

This two-parter says "Screw that!" and gets the job done in the first two minutes before the title sequence.  I'm not even kidding, just watch.

So instead of being a series that stemmed as a satire of Frank Miller's run on the comic book Daredevil, with four teenage turtles who love pizza, build wacky gadgets, and fight an evil ninja, his two henchmen, and a talking brain in a gender-neutered muscle body with tiny red shorts...

...it's now about four mutant turtles who use crystals to mutate themselves further into what I can only describe as action hero bodies with Wolverine's mask helped by a fairy to fight another fairy who can snuff out the stars in the sky just by trying to wake up.  Oh, and Shredder turns into a dragon.  Because Japan, is why.

I just- let's just get through this, starting with episode one, "Super Turtles In Danger! The Debut Of The Saint!"

So this episode begins with what might be one of my favorite bits, where someone on the space shuttle (remember when we had those?) is contacting NASA to report that the stars are disappearing from the sky.  He has difficulty reaching anybody because NASA, of course, only has one person on staff and he was coming back from lunch.

Now, the response to a galactic-level crisis as the universe seems to be getting obliterated?  NASA (rather, the one guy) dismisses it as the astronaut left his glasses at his apartment on his way TO SPACE.

We quickly learn that the stars are being snuffed out like candles because Krang, Shredder, and Bebop and Rocksteady are trying to awaken "Dark Mu" from her crystal prison.  The end goal is to use Dark Mu to destroy the Earth (as well as the Turtles), at which point Shredder proves two things with a single question:

1)  He keeps his priorities straight.
2)  He really needs to ask more questions before Krang puts plans into action.

Fortunately, the local media take a bit more interest in this, and April meets up with the turtles to deduce that the universe being obliterated is obviously actions of Shredder and Krang.  April also proves that she's not afraid to ask the questions that make her a star reporter for Channel 6 News:

Fortunately the Turtles are informed by the fairy that lives with them that only Dark Mu has the power to make stars disappear, and someone must be trying to wake her u-the fairy that lives with them?

...so, yeah.  Anyway, something I need to point out here is that the Turtles and villains are all voiced by the same cast who dubbed over the American cartoon.  I can only assume they meant for this series to somehow fit into the canon established by the American cartoon.

Again, much like April's jumpsuit, b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

So Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady show up to fight the Turtles and keep them busy while Dark Mu is being awakened, and Krang sends out energy that "mutates" them into a dragon, a green lizard rhinoceros, and ...man, Bebop looks like one of the mohawk guy from Mad Max now.

But the turtles have their own crystals, which allows them to mutate into...

...excuse me a moment, I seriously need a stiff drink to get through this.

It's the return of the "time passing" image!

...okay, now, where to begin?  I've already established that they clearly stole their masks either from Wolverine or 90s-era Batman, but the fact that their shells now have shoulder pads is, I think, the other major indication that this show took place during the 90s.

So yeah, moving ahead, the Turtles fight the bad guys, Splinter finds Krang (with no reason given as to how) and fights him, and then Dark Mu awakens, causing earthquakes across the planet.  We see Tokyo Tower collapse, the Eiffel Tower collapse (hey, stock footage, just different backgrounds!)...and a painting falls down in the Forbidden City.  Not all earthquakes are made alike, I guess.

Oh, and in case you were wondering where the Foot Clan were?  They were all on vacation at Miami Beach (the pineapple tropical shirts they have on over their ninja costumes cracked me up), and then they get hit by a tornado.

Keep in mind this was two years before Pokemon brought that phrase into pop culture.

Oh, and also a tidal wave hits New York that reaches the Statue of Liberty's crown and covers the entire city.  So yeah, most of the population of New York is now dead.  Fortunately, we don't have time for that, as April (conveniently alive in the Channel 6 chopper) points the turtles to where Krang unleashes Dark Mu...whose first action is to turn "Dragon Shredder" into "MechaGodzilla Shredder."

So, Donatello has the best idea ever for taking out giant mecha Shredder...he lures him into what's left of the city and gets him to slice a building in half so it falls over and smacks him in his horned head.

Donatello, allowing whatever survivors were left in that building to die so others may live!

Dark Mu escapes into space, but the turtles are able to merge into "The Saint" (not Val Kilmer) and chase her, where, after Splinter talks to them from the moon (?) while holding up an egg timer showing that the amount of time they can stay merged is running out, their fairy friend pins her darker self so the good guys can use their ultimate attack and blow them both up.  Both fairies are trapped in crystals that spin out into space, the turtles somehow end up on the space shuttle, Michaelangelo makes a pizza joke, and it's revealed that they'll never be able to mutate again.

...and then there's episode two.

After a recap of everything we just saw in episode one (wait, seriously?  I could've just watched that and been just as confused?), we get our title "The Advent of Guardian Beasts: The Metal Turtles Debut!"

....huh, my drink's empty.  Easy enough to fix!

So, what did I miss?  Okay, the Turtles, Splinter, and April arrive in Japan and im- ....they flew?  On a commercial plane?

Okay, I just recently learned just how hard it is to get a sword from one side of the country to the other.  I'm pretty sure that even in 1996 they wouldn't just let a giant turtle onto a plane with two swords strapped to his back.

So the turtles climb into a cab (..........) and take off for the bullet train, while Krang sends Shredder, Bebop, and Rocksteady to Japan as well, because apparently there's another one of those mutating crystals there because of course there is. 

The Turtles and the bad guys get into a fight on top of the bullet train...which, okay, I'll admit could be pretty awesome...and then suddenly, NINJAS!

Or rather, "Ninja and his Ninja Minions," which is a band name I think would work.

The best part in this scene is that Bebop, Rocksteady, and Shredder completely flip out because genuine ninjas are suddenly there and seem like they're actively trying to kill the bad guys.  I guess when you fight the same guys for ten-plus years with no fatalities, you just assume it's because nobody wants anybody to die.  This must have been quite a shock.

It turns out the lead ninja is the one who summoned our heroes there to help him and his village of ninjas (who, I'll point out, absolutely terrified the bad guys) keep their mystical mirror from being stolen.  The mirror has inlaid in the back seven magatamas, comma-shaped beads that provide mystical power to Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright and do other stuff, I guess.

Oh, and the ninja presents the turtles with special suits of armor, as thanks!

Also known as "pants and misplaced football padding."

Man, it's too bad those shells the turtles have don't act as any kind of armor.  That would've been nice, I bet.

So the next morning, a ghost appears who looks uncannily like "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski ...who pretty much does nothing but laugh, point at things, and get described as being "the worst of the worst."  So in other words, it is "The Dude" just mistaken for someone else again.

Shredder shows up, and to keep the mirror from falling into the wrong hands, the head ninja activates a small, localized mushroom cloud to appear (?!) that destroys the building they're all in (?!!!) and summons a giant ninja fortress to emerge from the ground (?!!!!!!).


It's a race to the top to see who can get the mirror first!  Shredder arrives moments before the ninjas, who unleash the brilliant plan of throwing fake mirrors everywhere so the bad guys can't figure out which one is the real mirror.  ...of course, the bad guys are quick to point out that the good guys have no idea which one is real anymore either, so now it's time passing watching people crawl around on their hands and knees.


Oh, and the Turtles bump into Krang on their way up the stairs, but pretty much go "pfft, whatever" and run past him. 

So Casper The Dickish Ghost points out the real mirror to the bad guys, Shredder gets it, and three out of the seven stones activate, summoning mechanical animals from Mount Fuji and....I'm really suspecting someone writing this script just stole a script from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers and went "just write the turtles in and we'll sort it out in post."

Bebop merges with a giant mechanical fish (because of course he does), Rocksteady merges with what appears to be a mechanical hydra, and Shredder gets a metallic silver tiger.  They immediately unleash all sorts of attacks on the Turtles (including one called "Metallical Snakes" which I believe are snakes that enjoy metal music and plot the demise of music-sharing websites) while the ninjas attempt to reclaim the mirror.

Krang manages to get hold of the mirror for all of five seconds before he's dog-piled by ninjas, and the Turtles quickly get hold of it, allowing them to summon four "good" metal ...spirit...guardian...things, man, I don't know, I'm just going with it at this point.

Leonardo gets a mechanical blue dragon!  Raphael gets a mechanical phoenix!  Donatello gets a winged bear-lion creature!  Michaelangelo gets...

...man, I don't even know where to begin with that thing.

So the Turtles now have armor as well, and the head ninja points out that the guardian armors only stick around for six minutes (it's a recurring theme I'm noticing here, phenomenal power always comes with a time limit), and he even has an egg timer on hand to keep track of how much time is left.

I had no idea that the first rule of ninja training is to always keep around an hourglass.

So, now that everybody knows about the time limit and is at equal power, Shredder comes to the rather humbling conclusion that they've already lost because the bad guys summoned theirs first.  So when their time runs out, it's not going to be pretty for their side.

And that damn ghost keeps laughing.

So now we have special attacks being thrown back and forth (and I won't lie, the names of the Turtles special attacks are pretty lame.  "Beef Bee-Tonic" sounds like the worse medicinal cure ever.  "Thundra Tonic Buster" is a close second.), and right when it looks like Shredder might have Leonardo on the ropes...the time limit runs out.

Our heroes being heroes, they immediately take advantage of this opportunity to light Shredder on fire.

So, the bad guys got away with three stones, the Turtles swear to get them back, the sun goes down as they realize they haven't even had breakfast yet (...this fight took that long?), and....the entire fortress they're standing on top of crumbles, plummeting our heroes to our death, I can only assume.  The credits are rolling, that's all I care about.

This show is madness.  It feels like a continuous series of "And then, and then, and then, and then," with the most blatant Japanese cartoon themes being thrown at a series which already had four mutant ninjas fighting the forces of Dimension X.  This is a series that already had a mutant Cajun crocodile and let Michaelangeo have a one-episode romance with a pixie-like girl from another dimension.

You forgot about them, didn't you?  You're welcome.

It's not random, because they seem to fit into their continuity and don't introduce anything for its own sake, the rules of this "new" TMNT universe make sense when you look at it from an anime perspective, I just can't figure out why you would impose an entirely new set of rules to how the universe works on a series that's already been established for ten years.

...oh right, to sell toys.

Watching these two episodes, each time I thought I figured out just how absolutely bonkers things were going to get, it kept one-upping me the whole time, until I gave up and just watched the last half of each episode with my jaw hanging open.  It's almost brilliant in how it copied everything from the original cartoon and imposed its own logic over it.  Had this series gone longer, I'm sure we would've had some Mothra version of Baxter Stockman show up, and maybe we would've learned how long it took to rebuild New York since it was buried under water.

...maybe it's the drink talking, but I need to lie down

If I Was In Charge... Of The Avengers! Part Three!

All right, we've reached part three of my Avengers line-ups, and this is the "Top Secret" team, the one nobody acknowledges exists, the one that shuts down villains before they even get a chance to put their plots into action.  We're going to need stealth, we're going to need strategy, we're going to need...

...a blind guy with a jungle cat?

...we'll get there.  First, we need to review the rules!

1)  No more than twelve members.  Any more than that, and we're no longer the Avengers, we're the Shi'Ar Imperial Guard, just localized to one planet which would be the worst Shi'Ar Imperial Guard storyline of all time. 

oh wait

2)  At least half the team have to be members or former members of the Avengers.  If I don't do this, I'm not making the Avengers, I may as well just make "If I Was In Charge of Ultraforce."

3)  Only real Marvel Universe characters can be added.  This means that, despite how badly I want to, I cannot add Combo Man.

So, let's start out with our leader.

1)  Janet Van Dyne a.k.a. The Wasp

 Janet ("Miss Van Dyne," if you're nasty) is, in my opinion, one of the most underrated characters Marvel has had, one that they never knew what to do with, and one whose potential is just languishing while she remains dead (oh yeah, she's dead, but that's always easy to fix).  Let's break down what she has:

1) Size control and flight.  Perfect for infiltration, anyone who can reduce themselves down to the size of an iPhone and slip into a building should always be on an espionage team. 
2) She's a rich socialite who travels the world.  If Tony Stark can get away with showing up around the world, Janet should be just as able.  Fancy parties in Paris or showing up to some hidden event in Hong Kong, Janet's money (or heck, even her on again, off again career as a fashion designer) should be able to get her and a team anywhere they need to be.
3) Besides Cap, I think the Wasp has been one of the longest running and most effective leaders of the Avengers they've had.  She'd lead them through invasions from outer space, Kang trying to take over the world, and even lead the Avengers Forever team for the fate of humanity's existence.

This character should be the Marvel Universe female version of James Bond, not even bothering to go around under a pseudonym, just showing up at a fancy hotel, hob-nobbing, and then busting out the superheroics. 

Call me, Marvel, I'll write that book for you.  I work cheap.

We have our leader, now we need our scientist!

2) Walter Newell, a.k.a. Stingray

 I'm just going to say this, I love Stingray's costume.  Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss why he's our resident scientist.

The man was smart enough to design a costume that a) allowed him to function underwater for extended periods of time, b) deliver strong electrical blasts, c) give him enhanced strength, d) limited flight abilities out of water, and e) take a punch from Namor.   Not too shabby, really.  He also has, at various times, a large underwater complex that he does research from, which to me screams "base of operations."  Another seriously underused character, I'd love to see this guy get brought up to the front lines (even if it is on the secret team and not the primary team) and get a chance to remind everyone how smart he is.

Now, for some brute force.

3)  Jennifer Walters, a.k.a. She-Hulk

She-Hulk not only brings muscle to the party, she also brings one of the sharper legal minds the Marvel Universe has along with it.  Also, depending on when you're reading her book, she's also able to transform at-will to her smaller, more demure "normal Jennifer" self, which would seem to me like a great addition to a team that's all about subterfuge and staying hidden until it's time to "She-Hulk smash!"

Plus, having someone there to say "uh, actually, we can't arrest them yet until we have actual evidence" would require them to actually work through a mission, not just smash open a wall, grab a guy, and throw him in prison like in 80s cartoons.

4)  Invisible Woman

 Do I really need to explain why a woman who turns invisible is great for a covert superhero team?  Seriously?  I didn't think so.

The ability to hide herself and her teammates from enemies as well as provide the strongest force field comics has seen someone who can't punch planets wield, Sue has the experience, is level-headed, and determination that would make her a strong player on any team, but would certainly help be a great mixture of "infiltrator/field leader" when needed.

5) Namora

 

Okay, technically I'm cheating on this one, since she was on a team in 1958 run by Nick Fury, but it first showed up in "The Avengers" so I'm letting it count.  Plus, she's related to another Avenger anyway...

Everybody knows Namor, the Sub-Mariner.  He's the guy who tends to invade the surface world every now and again, was a member of the X-Men for a while, and has a strength that rivals that of the Hulk depending on who writes him.

This is his much better to look at cousin, Namora, who can keep the temper in check a bit more, meaning she's a better team player.

(Has anybody else noticed that so far my three most powerful people on this team are women?  C'mon, Marvel, you have this potential, why not use it?)

Having a ridiculous level of super strength, flight, and connections to all sorts of super-teams across the world, Namora is a welcome addition to this squad, being in place either in the water or in the sky until she's needed to smash in a wall and punch a robot in to orbit.

6)  Doctor Strange

I'm bringing in Marvel's sorcerer supreme in as a bit of a ringer on this squad.  They need someone who can provide information on anything mystical they fight, and his "astral form" is pretty handy for infiltration and spying, but I don't want him on as a full-time member.  Doc Strange is one of those characters where, if you write him to his fullest abilities, then you don't need a team.  When he isn't being written to his fullest abilities, then why are you using Doctor Strange?

I had to have someone on the team who knew magic, and as much as I love Jennifer Kale, she's a) dead (easy enough to fix), and b) not quite to this level.  Yet.

All right, my "past Avengers (plus one cheat)" are in, so let's see how far out there I can go on the rest of the team.

7)  Sybil Dvorak, a.k.a. Skein

That's, um, quite an outfit.

So, I guess I can get pretty far "out there."  Sybil Dvorak was a character I never even heard of until she showed up in Thunderbolts, first under her old codename "Gypsy Moth" (it was lamer than it sounds), she took on a new role to help Hawkeye save the world (being one of the key people on the team, in fact).  She then felt that she wasn't cut out for super heroics (that and Songbird turned her down for a make-out session, which would depress anybody, I think), but I think this character needs to be more than just some background spots in large collections of characters.  Why?  She has one of the most unique power sets I've ever seen.

...no, not that power set.  I mean her actual superpowers.

Sybil is a telekinetic, but each object she manipulates has a different "texture" to her brain.  Trying to manipulate a concrete block, for instance, causes her much more discomfort than, say, silk.  She focuses her powers primarily on manipulating fabrics and organic material, and before you snicker and say "oh no, she'll attack you with a scarf," I'll point out that she can manipulate up to 120 pounds of material at once.  Look at what you're wearing right now.  Look around to see how many things made of some kind of fabric are around you.  Drapes, carpets, couch fibers, sheets, towels, other peoples clothes are all her weapons against her enemies, and if, for instance, a super-scientist in the Marvel Universe was to make her a costume with extra fabric on it made from something as strong as spider silk?  You'd have somebody who could potentially restrain She-Hulk.

C'mon, Marvel, seriously.  Five dollars, that's all I'm asking to write this book.

8)  Shadowcat

 

Again, if I need to explain why a character who's a martial artist, computer genius, dragon owner, and mutant who can phase through anything needs to be on a covert superhero team, then either I've completely failed you, the reader, or you're just messing with me.  Kitty is a great character, and while she is also helping to run Wolverine's school for mutants, if he can be on eight team books at any given time and still be present enough to matter, I'm sure she can afford to be on one other team.

9)  Nightcrawler

Another "well, duh, of course he belongs on this team" person, Nightcrawler is to covert what Hulk is to smashing.  Now, of course, he's also currently dead, but as I keep saying, Marvel has established that being dead is only slightly harder to come back from than "retired and moved to Jersey."  I think we can work something out.

10)  Abe Jenkins, M.A.C.H. 1-5

I swear, Marvel, you have all these great characters, and no desire to make them as awesome as they should be.

Abner (hee) was once the super villain known as the "The Beetle," and he was probably one of the biggest jokes the Marvel Universe had.  However, along with Songbird and Atlas, he figured out that being a superhero is much preferable to getting your face punched in by Spider-Man on a regular basis, and has since taken what was once a laughable mechanical flight suit and turned it into something that's not quite on par with Iron Man's costume but, then, he doesn't have Tony Stark's budget, either.

Get him a decent lab along with some Avengers technology, and you'll have stealth armors, high-speed armors, underwater armors...what I'm trying to say is that he'd be quite adaptable to whatever kind of mission the team was sent on.

Okay, folks, I promised there would be some weirder additions to the team before I finished, and here they are.

11) Sundown

Who?

David Lowell has only appeared twice in Marvel continuity, and is a character that hasn't been seen since 1997.  I intend to fix this complete and total injustice by putting him onto a team that would be a perfect fit for him, only because I ran out of room on the primary Avengers squad.

...still don't know who he is?  Here's the rundown.

David Lowell worked for Norman Osborn way back before anybody know what a "Green Goblin" was, developing new formulas based on photosynthesis and other plant traits.  When Osborn shut him down, he wound up having some of his formula splashed on him before he stumbled into some lamps (isn't that always the way?)  The result gave David what we call "ridiculous" levels of super power, with the stipulation that he absorbs light from around him (in his first appearance, he pretty much turned New York City during midday into late evening levels of light).  As for power levels...well, here.

That's him shrugging off attacks from the X-Men, Fantastic Four, Doctor Strange, and the Avengers (including having Thor's hammer bounce off him), all at once.  To be fair, he was rather upset at the time and had been provoked by Spider-Man into his rampage, but after he accidentally hurt someone dear to him, he promptly surrendered and turned himself in.

Fun fact, he's one of the only characters I know who served an entire prison term in comics history, out of sheer guilt from what he did.

Once out, he again met with Spider-Man to take care of a mob boss threatening him, and decided to simply "fade out" of everybody's view to try to have a normal life.

I say "hogwash" to that.  Get someone with ridiculous powers, with a keen sense of how dangerous power can be in the wrong hands and how easily people could get hurt, and nobody remembers him and have him be your "big gun" on the team?  What better way to keep your Avengers team "secret" than to have the person punching out super villains be somebody they won't even recognize if it weren't for the fact that he just robbed the entire area of any natural light.

A dollar, Marvel.  I'll write this book for a dollar.

Well, surely that can't get stranger than tha- oh, here we go.

12)  Tagak, The Leopard Lord

Look, Marvel, I'll write this book for free.  Hell, I'll give you a dollar.  Just call me!

Where to begin?  Tagak (introduced way back in 1970) was an other dimensional hunter/officer, chasing criminals from his home "mirror dimension."  He was essentially blind, by our standards, but could see through the eyes of his leopard familiar a-

No, wait, come back!  Seriously, just listen, it'll all make sense in a minute.

So anyway, his primary means of transportation is to teleport from mirror to mirror an-

I SAID COME BACK, DAMMIT.  NOW SIT.

Ahem.  Anyway, Tagak is one of those "zen" type characters. loathe to spill blood and hates to engage in violence when it's not necessary.  However, he's an unstoppable, implacable hunter of criminals and he has a strong sense of justice and what it means to do the "right thing."

Wacky powers and a moral sense that would make Captain America proud?  How could I not include him on a team?  Plus, he has a giant pet leopard.  Only in comics, people!

So there it is, my set-up for the team of Avengers so covert and under the table, even they wouldn't recognize themselves!

In case you feel I've been spending way too much time eating those mushrooms I found in my back yard, be sure to let me know in the comments section below, along with the clearly obvious reasons why your favorite character should've been included in one of these teams.

I promise to read them and then either commit seppuku over my clearly flawed planning (not likely) or simply shrug it off as "well, that's your opinion" (more likely).

If I Was In Charge... Of The Avengers! Part Two!

Last time in this blog, I established my picks for the premiere team of Avengers.  However, there's at least one other team running around with that title, because Marvel likes to milk a franchise realized that there's enough threats to the world, and they certainly have enough heroes running around.

So, this is where I put my B team.  This isn't to say they aren't as great as heroes (in fact, a couple of them are some of my favorites), but either their role was already taken on the premiere team, or I simply figured they might be more useful fighting A.I.M. or the Masters of Evil as opposed to the next time a Norse goddess of death starts making trouble.

Let's review the rules:

1) No more than twelve members.  Any more beyond that, and it's the "Be A Defender For A Day" storyline, and while I love seeing superheroes get excited about the opportunity for horseback riding, we don't need to revisit that storyline.

2) Half the team need to have been Avengers before.  Otherwise, I'm just making the new Force Works...wait, no, even that was made up of former Avengers.  ...okay, it's the new Turbine and the Right-Riders.

3) I have to stick to actual characters who I can prove existed, and it has to make sense why they'd join the team.  So unfortunately, I won't ever be able to bring a super-powered Nathan Fillion onto the team, no matter how much I plead with myself.

So, first things first, we need someone to lead this team.  Someone who can keep track of

1) Black Panther

Now, there are people who wonder what the Justice League would be like if it was run by Batman (overtly, I mean, not just the "well, we elected X as our leader, but when Batman speaks up everybody automatically clicks their heels" stuff they frequently do).  Having an Avengers team run by the Black Panther would be like that, except a bit more awesome.  T'Challa (so named after a misspelling of an African egg bread, if I remember my history correctly) is to planning what Captain America is to patriotism.  The man is a tactician of the highest order, not only managing to rule a nation that for years contained the single greatest natural resource any comic book universe ever had without having wars over it every year (up until one involving Dr. Doom, but while the end result was interesting, the path to get there was a bit sloppy), he's the man who was able to seize control of Tony Stark's entire business empire with one phone call and, well, he also had this just lying around:

My Galactus contingency plan consists of two parts: crying and blubbering.

T'Challa is someone who would know his team's strengths and weaknesses, study every villain they could possibly face, and have a plan in place for his group to win within the first few minutes of whatever attack might occur.

Next up, we need our scientist!

2)  Hank McCoy, a.k.a. The Beast

So I guess this is what he's supposed to look like now?  Okay, fine, still better than "cat face."

The only reason Hank McCoy didn't make it onto my earlier team was that I felt it needed a bit more international flavor, so I put Sasquatch on it.  The man is a consummate X-Man and Avenger, able to function on any team he's placed on, and is one of the more brilliant minds the world has in terms of technology and biology.  He's also powerful enough to hold the line in battle, and he's pretty easy to draw since any time a new artist comes along and wants to change something, "whoops, he mutated again!"

The other key reason to keep Hank on a team that probably won't be fighting interstellar invasions every other week is that he's also a key staff member of Wolverine's current school teaching young mutants how to be better, well, themselves.  I don't want to take him away from that, so he can simply commute back and forth from Avengers Mansion to Westchester.

Now, we need some brute force.

3)  The Thing

I stated once before that it makes no sense for Spider-Man to not be on an Avengers team seeing as he's teamed up with pretty much everybody from Howard the Duck to the Silver Surfer.  Now, the other person who starred in the other massive team-up book Marvel put out for years?

Benjamin J. Grimm, the ever-lovin' blue eyed Thing.  Where Spider-man's power set makes him adaptable for any situation, Ben is simply, at heart, the ultimate team player.  He'd function just as well with Power Pack as with the Guardians of the Galaxy, has the biggest heart in comics, and enough power to make most villains seriously reconsider a better job with a reliable dental plan.  He's been an Avenger as of late, and could easily split time between whatever the rest of the Fantastic Four are doing and this group.

Besides, just like how Thor makes everything he says sound regal, there's just something certain about who's going to win a fight when you hear "It's clobberin' time!"

4)  Iron Fist

 Another person who's been an Avenger in recent years, Daniel Rand is like if Bruce Lee and Bill Gates made a clone and then taught it how to punch dragons in the chest to get superpowers.  He's a great addition to any team, because not only have I locked the "close combat expert" role on the team, but I've also supplied a major source of funding for the team's exploits.  Granted, up until the Immortal Iron Fist comic a few years ago, I had always written him off as a one-gimmick horse, but that book and his Avengers appearances have shown me I was much too quick to judge this character.

5)  Vision

Not too long ago, I discussed how Hawkeye is a character who made being an Avenger his whole life.  But, I'll admit, there are times we get to see him outside of his costume, and even times he's left to try to have some semblance of a personal life.  And for him, it makes sense.   But, we do have one more character who made being an Avenger their entire reason for existence, and that's the good comic book android (don't get me started on the Red Tornado) named The Vision.

Also, we're going to revisit that whole "redemption" theme here, since the Vision was originally created by super-evil robot Ultron to destroy the Avengers, and was actually named by Janet Van Dyne, a.k.a. The Wasp when he first appeared (she had a knack for that, since she's also the one who came up with the name "Avengers.")  Having rebelled against his "father," Vision has been a regular member of the team, who only flipped out and had to be taken down by his teammates once, which is more than I can say about some characters.

The Vision brings a unique power set to the team, and also makes for a great field commander, able to relay commands from the Black Panther as well as analyze and adapt to situations as they occur.  He's a valuable addition to an Avengers team, and on this one we won't have any of that "sure, Doctor Doom was controlling you, apparently, but I still don't forgive you for using me to murder people" drama currently happening in Marvel's books between him and Scarlet Witch.

6)  Hercules

 Thor, as I pointed out, allowed you to bring mythology and magic into the book with little to no effort.  Hercules does the exact same thing, which is why he was actually one of the first picks I made to be on this team.  Now, this is the "not godly might" Hercules that was last seen running around in the Marvel universe, but I actually like this version a lot.  Having him fall back on the combat skills he picked up through his long life, but adding the fact that even a weak super villain could challenge him added a nice twist.  He has a strong working knowledge of the various pantheons of the Marvel U, and has access to some pretty impressive magical devices that could serve as interesting plot points.

Plus, Incredible Hercules is one of my favorite comics of the past twenty years, so, I had to put him somewhere.

Okay, I have my established characters in place, time to wander a bit and see what strays I can pick up.

 7)  Iceman

Bobby Drake doesn't get enough respect.  He was one of the original X-Men, meaning he's been doing the whole "superhero" thing longer than most Avengers have been, and he has a power set that's almost completely unique to comic book universes.  He's a keen team player, very knowledgeable in different ways to use his powers (that's a fancy way of saying "adaptable"), and has also been one of my favorite characters in comics, so that's an automatic buy-in.

Now, he's also a regular teacher at Wolverine's school, so I figure he can commute in on a giant ice slide with Beast.

8)  Polaris

Now, I just know that somewhere out there is someone going, "Gee, Erik, we have a furry scientist, a god/demigod, and now one of Magneto's offspring on an Avengers team?  Way to copy yourself."  To that, I say nothing, because I can't hear that person and they're silly for talking to their computer.  But if I did hear them, I'd say that Polaris, while yes, she is Magneto's daughter (again, this tends to be of some debate in-continuity), has such a unique power set that any team would consider her an asset.

And besides, so often her name only comes up following "Havok and" that it'd be really nice to let the character grow on her for a bit, out of the shadow of the younger Summers brother.  I really want to see what happens when a writer gets their hands on this character and doesn't have to deal with her boyfriend moaning about working for the government, or how teams don't respect him, or how Scott always gets the spotlight.

Besides, she's also gorgeous, and this team needs something better to look at than the ever-changing Hank McCoy.

9)  Atlas

Another former Thunderbolt (gee, maybe I am making the same teams?), Atlas started out with Songbird as part of the newly-formed Masters of Evil, trying to impersonate heroes after the Avengers and Fantastic Four were both presumed dead.  He had a slightly rougher transition to being a fully-fledged hero (he still felt strong loyalty to Baron Zemo for saving his life), he did eventually become a good guy in his own right.

And then things went downhill during some weird recent Avengers storyline where he felt the Avengers were "bad" somehow.  Yeah, like I frequently tell the people on the phone trying to "reduce my credit card debt," I ain't buying it.

Besides, at least one of the two majorly public Avengers team needs someone who grows big, and I'm certainly not putting Hank Pym on these teams (I like the guy, but his appearances just ask for trouble and disturbing images).

Okay, so we've drifted somewhat through the universe, and now it's my favorite part...picking out the obscure, the bizarre, and downright brilliant choices I have to fill out the roster.  Let's start with a fun one.

10)  Black Mamba

I don't care if it means she has to wear black plastic trash bags all the time, I want her on a team book.

Black Mamba started out as a super villain (whoops, there's that theme again) who gave up the life of crime to become part of the "B.A.D. Girls," the most 90s team of female "super-powered agents for hire" you could think of.  It was Pamela Anderson's V.I.P. without the deep intellectual story lines.

However, that isn't to say there isn't a fascinating character here.  See, Black Mamba is one of the few characters in the Marvel Universe who's able to tap into the "darkforce dimension," a possibly sentient dimension of energy that might or might not be evil, which she uses to cloud the minds of her opponents, allowing limited mind control or forcing them to black out.  That's awesome.

She would easily add something special to the team (okay, besides her...physique, we'll call it), and would add that nice bit of conflict when you have one team member who doesn't quite hold the same ideals as everybody else but still wants to do the right thing...even if it means cutting a few corners.

At least, until she gets set straight and learns to be a real hero, that is.

11)  Veda

 Maintaining the theme of "diversity helps you be prepared for anything," Veda was part of the short-lived (and much under appreciated) team "The Order," which was the official superhero team of California for a short time.  Having been a former action movie star, Magdalena Neuntauben (what a great name) was picked to be given superpowers, ending up with the ability to create "golems" out of any organic material around her.  They aren't as strong as, say, Ben Grimm, but she can have enough running around at once to cover a wide area.

She's kind and generous to a fault (having spent a lot of time helping orphans before becoming a hero, and was actually seriously underplayed in her own book compared to some of the other characters despite having the one power that let her help the most people at once.  In my eyes, she deserves to be brought back and used again.

12)  Squirrel Girl

....nah, just kidding.

12)  Gorilla Man

 

 Comic books are awesome.

Ken Hale was a soldier of fortune who, afraid of dying, hunted and wound up killing the fabled "Gorilla Man", becoming the new version and also becoming immortal.  Because comics, that's how.

Gorilla Man is there for one reason, pure and simple.  He has the brusque "action hero" persona that would  play well against characters like Iron Fist and Atlas, he has the "trapped in a strange form" that would let him connect with Hank McCoy, he would flirt with every single woman on the team, and he'd be willing to sit down to a game of cards any day with Ben Grimm.  Simply put, he blends well with everybody on this team, and the whole "immortal" deal always comes in handy.

Now, he'd have to stop using regular guns in combat (I maintain that Avengers don't just gun down their enemies, despite what some modern writers might want me to believe), but if they can't find a gorilla-hand sized stun pistol somewhere around the mansion, I'm pretty sure one can be built.

So that's my listing for the secondary group of Avengers!  Obviously, I left out your favorite character, but remember two things:

1) I still have one more team left to build, so there's a chance they'll show up there!

2) It's my blog.  So nyah!

Feel free to leave a comment about how I need to stop breathing in the fumes from my car's exhaust pipe for fun, and indicate just how (correctly) wrong I am!