Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Part 3

So this is it.  This is my third attempt at getting through this movie.  I've been bored, I've been angry, I've been slightly interested in things that I don't think I was supposed to be interested in, and I'm left with more questions than answers about just how this movie came to be.

Sadly, the podcast How Did This Get Made is yet to tell me so far how this movie got made, so I'm at a loss.  I can't even fathom how nobody looked at the script and went "are you serious?"

I can't help but get a sneaking suspicion that the answer might lie in "somebody had a movie they wanted to make, and the only way to get it made was to license it to something else."

So, yeah, that's all I have for an introduction.  Let's try to complete this train wreck.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Part 2

I will not fear, fear is the mind killer.  I will not fear, fear is the mind kil- oh, hi!

What was I- you know what, never mind that.  We were getting back into Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, a movie so bad it only sports a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Let's put that into context: DOA has a 34%, meaning one in three people went "eh, it's okay I guess."  Out of a hundred people, you couldn't put together a baseball team out of people who liked this movie.

It's rather bizarre, too, because as a character, Chun-Li fits perfectly into a martial arts film.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Not too long ago, I took a close look at the Street Fighter movie starring Jean-Claud Van Damme, Raul Julia, and Kylie Minogue.  It was awful.  It butchered what little story the video game had, twisted characters into unrecognizable versions of themselves, and had writing so incomprehensible that I'm still not sure some of the facial reactions weren't from people hearing the lines read out loud for the first time.

But you know what movie it's apparently significantly better than?

For the record, I was going to post a picture of the DVD cover of Bloodrayne here, but I assume you all read the title to this post, so it didn't seem worth it.

Review: Rifftrax: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Every now and again one wonders "how did this get made?"  I used to wonder it about major motion pictures, like Battlefield Earth or yet another Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, but no more.  I know how those get made.  Studios get talked into trying to bank on a star's success by making a big budget production with them, or they hope to get the next Star Wars, Hunger Games, or Harry Potter.

But I have no idea how Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny was made without someone looking around at the film production, sighing, and doing their best to combine a tank of gas and a match.  I have spent the last four days pondering this mystery, and I am no closer to an answer.

Blood Angels

At a certain point in any bad movie you just know what you're watching is absolute garbage.  Maybe it's the first time Tara Reid opens her mouth in Alone In The Dark (if you haven't seen it, replace that with "anything Tara Reid has been in besides The Big Lebowski).  Maybe it's the first time bad CG effects show up.  Perhaps it's when you first realize how much they've diverted from the source material.

This is, I think, the first time I ever got a strong indication a movie was going to suck because of the DVD menu.

It's the lack of special features that's the biggest hint.  Not even a director commentary?

See, in the lower left, about a third of the screen is taken up with a small "screen within the screen" showing segments from the film.  While the scenes were playing, I did some research on this movie and found out two things.  First, the title Blood Angels isn't what it was called here in the United States.  In the United States, it was called Thralls.  Blood Angels is its Canadian name.

Second, the video clips being shown are just the trailer for the movie done on loop.  Plus, the rest of the screen is just the same video with bad CG clouds washing over it and weird light effects from the letters.

When your only option for a DVD menu image is the movie trailer for the movie someone is already going to watch, that's a really bad sign.

But let's get into it.

Archie's Weird Mysteries: Invisible Archie

Okay, everybody, this is it.  So far we've had killer potatoes, twisted wishes, possessed cars, and giant teenagers.  Now we're getting into a more "classic" movie monster homage, with Archie Andrews, eternal teen, becoming the Invisible Man.

Now, I know what a lot of teenage boys would like to do if they were suddenly invisible, and none of them are not creepy, and most are illegal.  Let's see if this cartoon series holds true to Archie being the most pure and noble person on the planet (who has already seen one of his girlfriends naked this season) or is human like everyone else.

Archie's Weird Mysteries: Attack Of The 50-Foot Veronica

What else is there to say about Veronica Lodge?  Well, I don't think I've discussed her friendship with Betty that much, but watching this program and thinking back to some of the comics I used to read, I can't help but wonder if the relationship between Betty and Veronica is more than just "friends when convenient" but probably the strongest relationship about of any two characters in Archie Comics history.

This is a friendship that survives multiple backstabbing attempts as both girls attempt to win the heart of Archie, and if I remember correctly, there were multiple instances when the two of them realized that "if anybody is going to get Archie, better one of us than anybody else."  The two really are friends in the truest sense, with both of them constantly hanging out together, traveling together, scheming together, and generally helping each other be complete people.  Betty would probably never take as many risks in life without Veronica encouraging her, and Veronica wouldn't be as grounded and would probably be an even bigger snob without Betty around.

However, that's probably a full essay for another day, so instead let's look at Archie's attempt to do an homage to Allison Hayes' finest work.

Archie's Weird Mysteries: Driven To Distraction

You know the one thing I never understood about Archie Andrews?  Why does every young woman who's single decide he's the absolute best dating material to ever live?

I mean, sure, he's a nice guy, but he constantly has two women jumping in and out of his life (well, okay, only Veronica really jumps "out" of his life, Betty just moves into the background for a bit, biding her time).  His car is a classic junker, he never really seems able to hold down any kind of summer job, he's continuously broke, he's clumsy, goofy, and always getting into trouble.

There's a lot of other guys in town who are probably dating material (and in today's modern age we can even include boys who aren't the same race.  And yet, Archie's had five serious girlfriends that I can think of off the top of my head, and lord knows how many girls as simple "one-offs."

So what does that have to do with today's episode?  Well, when the inspiration for the episode is pretty blatantly Steven King's Christine, except the car is in love with Archie, it makes you wonder.

Archie's Weird Mysteries: Me! Me! Me!

Veronica Lodge.  Sometimes girlfriend, sometimes nemesis, sometimes enabler, sometimes de-enabler- okay, this sentence is going out of control.  The point I'm attempting to build to is that while Archie is almost always the "nice guy," Jughead is the "lazy, hungry guy," and Betty is the "nice girl," Veronica has a lot more variety to her roles.  In one story she might be attempting to help raise awareness for the needy or an endangered animal, the next story she's having her jet personally fly her a new purse because her other one is ten minutes out of style.  Sometimes she dotes on Archie Andrews, sometimes she and Reggie work together to set him and Betty up for failure.  Then, in the next story line, she and Betty are best friends again.

What I'm trying to say is that in the comics, Veronica is either an amazingly complex character with many layers to her...or is one of the most inconsistent characters ever written.

So, I hope you like her, because you're going to get an awful lot of Veronica in this episode.

Our story opens at Riverdale High, where eternal "nice guy" Archie Andrews is carrying a stack of approximately sixteen books out of the building.  He gets partway to the parking lot when Veronica's voice exclaims, "Archie! The door!"  Archie, apologizing, comes back to open it for her.  It appears Veronica's in full on "lazy rich girl" mode, but hold on, it gets better.

While Betty, Reggie, and Jughead bond over a) critiquing Veronica's behavior and b) joking about how broken Archie is that he just keeps doing whatever she says, we find out that Veronica only has all those books because "taking them home each day is easier than memorizing a locker combination."

Okay, let's address the first thing here.  Archie can't be there every minute of every day.  We've established he hangs out with other people and has other activities, so the idea that Veronica would always have Archie there to carry her books not just to and from her house each day but between classes is insane, even for a show that last episode gave us potato aliens.

Second, she has sixteen books.  When I was in high school we didn't have that many books.  What the heck is Riverdale High trying to teach kids that they need so many books?

Veronica begins massive amounts of whining for the next few minutes, and between complaining that Archie needs to put the top up on his car so her hair doesn't get mussed, her spoon landing on the ground and needing a new one, and the phone being inches out of reach because leaning slightly is for peasants, I say, peasants, well, Veronica becomes by far the most obnoxious character on the show, and is in a strong running to catch up with Orko and Snarf.

Fortunately, Mr. Lodge is watching the whole thing, and he is not amused by his daughter's antics.

First off, I don't think it's ever come up before, but Hiram Lodge there talks like he understudied for Thurston Howell the Third.  Second, I've always liked that Archie Comics has a somewhat contradictory back story when it comes to Hiram.  Sometimes his family were the original founders of Riverdale and he comes from old money, other times he attended public school and earned his money before marrying into even more money.

Here, he's just rich and has a touch of Locust Valley Lockjaw.  Perfect.

Veronica gets a call from Archie to hang out at Pop's, but Hiram interrupts by telling Archie over the phone that Veronica has "chores."  Hiram lectures his daughter on the fact that "one day all this will be yours" and how staying rich is hard work.  It's almost like the more money you have, the more problems you see have. 

So what sort of chore does Veronica Lodge get assigned to teach her that hard work is important?  Balancing her checkbook?  Donating clothes to charity?  Cleaning up the mess from the last party Archie invariably broke something during?

If you guessed "pack exotic artifacts for a museum to pick up and exhibit while the butler supervises her" then man, I just don't even know how your mind works.  You are right, however.

"This room belongs in a museum!" - Hiram Lodge, attempting to be cute.

Meanwhile, at Pop Tate's, Jughead, Reggie, and Betty (really?  Do those three EVER hang out by themselves?) enjoy a few burgers, by which I mean Jughead enjoys a few burgers.  Archie shows up and updates everybody else that Veronica is "still" packing things, which I guess is the script's attempt to let us know that time has passed.  Betty just happens to have a pamphlet about the upcoming exhibit, and something the gang notes is a statue to ... I have no idea how to spell this guy's name, because it's said strangely by Archie.  "Snakebah?"

Anyway, Snakebah is a statue, and the name translates to "granter of wishes," according to Betty.

Personally, I think it translates to "raise the roof!"

This just happens to be the last object Veronica has to pack (naturally), and after Smithers attempts to once again get Veronica to consider other people for a chance, she retorts with "I wish everyone else was just like me."  This causes the statue's eyes to glow and an actual earthquake to tremble the land, but Veronica doesn't notice either because...well, being whiny apparently makes you immune to feeling things?

Later, when Mr. Lodge is looking over the packed boxes with Smithers, the doorbell rings.  Hiram asks Smithers to get it (extremely politely, I might add), and Smithers is quick to retort with a "ooooOOOOoooh, I don't wanna!"

Stay with me, folks, it sounds like this is going to get awful, but it gets fantastic instead.

At Pop Tate's, Veronica's wish is spreading, as Pop Tate, previously happy to serve burgers to eager customers, is now whining about needing to cook and insisting people "cook their own burgers."  Archie decides to call the doctor to come see Pop Tate and steps outside to use the pay phone (remember, this came out in 1999, cell phones weren't HUGE yet).  This means he doesn't see the huge flash of light behind the counter, but he does bump into Veronica.  He leads her in, explaining that things are strange, when this site meets his eyes:

That's right.  Overweight, middle-aged Pop Tate has turned into another Veronica.

This, of course doesn't phase Veronica at all, as she complains about being double parked.

Anyway, Archie now gets to deal with two Veronicas fighting over him and arguing over which one is the "real" Veronica.

"This should be a lot more fun than it's turning out to be."  - Actual quote from Archie Andrews

Can we discuss the fact that not only did Pop Tate's body and personality change, but his clothes reshaped themselves to be tight on a teenage girl's body?  This Snakepah-whatever thing doesn't do anything by halves.

While Jughead and Reggie keep Pop Veronica safely stored away in, well, the storeroom, Betty, Archie, and Veronica decide to investigate this mystery further.  Things aren't any better outside, though I find it interesting that either all the women in town decided to wear yellow dresses that day and all the men wore lavender shirts and jeans, or the character designer got REALLY lazy when he decided to dress up a city of Veronicas.

Veronica spots another "her" about to steal her car, and takes off into the crowd of duplicates, which, let's face it, is probably dumbest thing she could do at this point in time.  She tries to get a Veroni-cop (see what I did there?) to get involved, but the cop simply whines that the thief is too far away and it would involve chasing her and then catching her and then filling out paperwork.    Veronica starts to realize how she acts around others around this point, but it helps that she meets a Veronica mail carrier who complains about lugging a heavy bag of letters around.

The icing on the cake, however, is the Veronica mime.  You read that correctly.  Veronica.  Mime.

Glorious.  Just glorious.

The Veronica mime starts complaining about needing to mime things, wondering why she can't just "tell people what she's doing."  In a moment of comedic gold, the Veronica Mime starts pushing at the air around her while yelling "Look at me, everyone, I'm trapped in a box!"

Then the crowd turns on Veronica for....reasons?  She finds herself running away from a small mob of identical clones of herself, but manages to catch back up with Betty and Archie.  She, again, not being the brightest bulb in the box, laments that just a few hours earlier she was wishing that everybody else would be "just like her."  Betty, being a pretty bright bulb when it doesn't come to snuggling on couches, catches this and asks her to explain.

The trio are able to connect the strange happenings to the statue of Snakebah,  They call the Lodge household to have Hiram get the statue back, but both Hiram and Weatherbee are too busy sitting by the pool with the phone just out of reach.  The three need to go to the museum and find the statue themselves.

Remember how I've been promising this episode gets amazing?  Well, here it is.

Betty reads some more of the pamphlet and notes that the idol used to be kept on a high pedestal surrounded by death traps.   So whoever the Indiana Jones of this world is, he had to bust in and steal the idol from where it was being stored.

The amazing part?  The Museum has faithfully recreated the pedestal the statue used to sit upon, including all of the death traps.  This, in itself, is absolutely fantastic, because nobody seems shocked that a museum, a place that receives public and private funding, would go so far as to risk murdering a visitor who wants to see one of the prized exhibits.

Seriously, Archie, I think we found your next "weird mystery" and it's "what the hell is going on with the museum board of directors?"

At the museum, things start going from bad to worse as Archie takes off down the hallway towards the exhibit.  Betty and Veronica start to follow, but partway down there's another flash of light and Betty starts whining about, well, everything.

Veronica tries to rush ahead to catch up with Archie, but doesn't pay attention to where she's going and runs headfirst into a low stone archway.  Because if a museum is going to equip a place with death traps, it may as well make people crouch to avoid traumatic head injuries.

May I just point out that this is twice in a row that a female lead character has been knocked unconscious by a blow to the head?

Veronica wakes up hoping it was all just a bad dream, and upon seeing Archie stand over her offers her hand to him to help her up.  He turns her down flat, whining that her hands are probably dirty and sweaty.

I know it's a negative trait of Veronica we're dealing with here, but I kind of agree with Archie there.  Sweaty hands are the worst.

Veronica is left on her own to deal with the problem, and instead of trying to do a long, flowing narrative of how she avoids the death traps, I'm just going to show you the things that a MUSEUM, an honest to god MUSEUM that doesn't even charge the people at the front door to come in and see things, built to add "realism" to an exhibit.

First, the giant stone that can crush you upon entering.

Then there's the pressure plate that triggers the deadly darts to shoot out of a wall.

There's the giant column (seen two pictures above) that rolls forward to flatten any intruders.

Finally, there's the giant spiked pit with the rope dangling over it.

HOW DO YOU EVEN APPROVE THIS STUFF IN THE BUDGET?

Veronica finally gets her hands on the idol, and I have to admit I chuckled some at her attempts to bond with an inanimate object.  "Veronica Lodge here.  We had a moment a few hours ago.  You, me, and the box?"   She manages to reverse the wish, the population of Riverdale returns to normal, and Archie and Betty rush in to make sure Veronica's okay.

I love this little moment towards the end when Veronica starts to walk towards them and then remembers the giant spiked pit's still there.  "Could you help me get across?  ...oh, never mind, I'll do it myself."

Um, Veronica, I know the whole point of the episode was to show you just how needy and whiny and selfish you are, but when it comes to dealing with SPIKED PITS you're allowed to ask for help.  Lesson learned, but NOT in the appropriate manner!

Apparently nobody in town remembers "being" Veronica, and Archie wraps up with the standard "be careful what you wish for" lesson, but it ignores the bigger issue here: THERE IS A STATUE IN THE RIVERDALE MUSEUM THAT GRANTS WISHES.

What's to stop some child from (somehow) avoiding all the deathtraps and wishing that there weren't any adults, or that the world was made of chewing gum, or just their step-brother Toby would vanish and never come back?

I just- I don't even- man.  Why not use that statue for good?  "I wish nothing weird would ever happen in Riverdale again.  I wish doom upon the alien potato people.  I wish all vampires were instantly turned to dust."

Then again, maybe I'm just over thinking this.

Archie's Weird Mysteries: Attack Of The Killer Spuds

I think I've made it abundantly clear over time that I have a huge appreciation of all things Riverdale.  In fact, the only reason why I haven't done lengthy reviews about  Afterlife With Archie or Archie vs. Sharknado or Archie vs. Predator (yes, these are all real things) is that if I put all of them into individual posts, well, I'd immediately fill up three things on my Top Eleven list for the end of the year.

But man, the Archie's Weird Mysteries show was something absolutely amazing, and I've been itching to get back into reviewing episodes of it.  So, with a simple 10-pack of episodes on one DVD picked up on the cheap from a small store, I'm ready to go.  We're going to see Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, Reggie, Dilton, and the rest of the gang face the unknown.

First episode on the list?

Okay, so it's not as immediately grabbing as "Veronica Lodge: Vampire Hunter" but stick with me, folks, it'll be worth it.

Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults

This is a real thing, everybody.

Personally, I was really hoping that this was a guide to "Satanic Cults" in the same sense that a guide to guns, cars, or computers would be "how to use them as an effective tool as you fight crime."  It'd be like how cops often use informants or moles in gangs to get information to prevent major crimes, or how so many TV shows these days include someone who is clearly not a cop consulting on cop cases with their unique brand of intelligence.

After all, if a successful show can be drawn from a pair of fake psychics, multiple crime writers, convicted con men, slobbering dogs, and children, why not a Satanic cult using their knowledge and skills to help fight occult crimes?

Call me, Hollywood, this pitch just gets better.

But in the meantime, here's my look at the actual training video for cops teaching them how to recognize and handle Satanic cults in America.

Needless to say, this was recorded back in those dark, Satanic times of 1994.

Yes, all the music is on a synthesizer, why do you ask?

Street Fighter: The Movie - Part Two

I was not prepared for what I was getting myself into with this project.  I thought "hey, wouldn't it be fun to watch a movie that I know is big and dumb but still kind of fun?  Wouldn't it be great if I just did reviews of video game movies?"

And to think I have both the Chun-Li movie waiting in the wings for after I finish this one.

I did not really think this through.

Where did we leave off?

Oh right, the fate of the world rested in the hands of Jean-Claude Van Damme, a pop star, and Not T. Hawk.

Let's get back into it.

Street Fighter: The Movie - Part One

Video game movies.

I really don't need to say much more than that.  We just had another movie based on the Hitman franchise come out, and it's currently pulling a score on Rottentomatoes on par with the new Fantastic Four movie.  You'd think making a movie about a bald guy who goes around shooting people would be pretty easy to make, but apparently they just can't find a way to make it work.

I think it's telling that the highest-rated video game movie on Rottentomatoes is Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.  Granted, I liked that movie, but I know I'm in the not very vocal minority there.  Next up is the Prince of Persia movie and then you know what's in third?  Here's a hint, I took two days to review it.

That's right, that movie came out ahead of both Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil.

But there are certain video game movies people talk about when they talk about video game movies.  Super Mario Bros.  Mortal Kombat (and the awful sequel).  Tomb Raider.

And then there's this one.  This one always gets a bit of a pass because it was the last film Raul Julia ever worked on, but I remember enjoying it slightly even before I really knew to appreciate his work.  There was just something about it that I thought was pretty great when I was fourteen years old.

I'm sure I'll think of it.

So let's start watching.

Marvel Disk Wars: The Avengers - Episode 14:The Man Who Controls The Whips Of Darkness!

After a brief reprieve I'm back in the thick of watching cartoons about superheroes!  You know, for writing purposes.  It gives me something to use to fill a post on Thursdays as opposed to having to go out and find something that costs money to enjoy different each time, and it connects each week to each other.

But enough justification of my hobby, it's time to get into the thick of things!  Let's dive right in for a story about...um...whips.  And darkness.  And a guy.  And- okay, did I wander in to the Fifty Shades Of Grey animated series?

The League of Regrettable Superheroes

Superman.  Batman.  Spider-Man.  Captain America.  Deadpool.  Black Panther.  Ant-Man.  Aquaman.  Some comic book characters just have something about them that sticks with pop culture, whether it's something amazing, something refreshing, something real, or something that makes you want to mock them despite how awesome (yes, I'm aware some pictures there aren't loading, no I don't know why) they actually are.

But not every new character succeeds.  Sometimes they're an idea that's been handled better somewhere else.  Sometimes they just don't connect.  Sometimes they're either ahead or behind their times.  Sometimes they're just terrible.  Just so, so terrible.

Thus, we have the book The League Of Regrettable Superheroes, a collection of the weirdest, most misunderstood, and downright worst superheroes (and some villains) who ever existed.

éX-Driver: The Movie

"Hey, Erik," you're asking, "didn't you just do a blog post about éX-Driver, like, two days ago?"

"Why yes," I'm replying, "I did.  In fact, it was exactly two days ago, so you didn't need to say 'like.'"

"Wow," you're now thinking, "way to take my innocent question and turn into a royal jerk about it."

"Well," I reply, having the uncanny ability to read your mind, "I have a good reason.  It's because we're discussing this, and having rewatched it, I'm in a pretty foul mood."

The Adventures Of The American Rabbit

When I mention "patriotic superheroes" odds are you think of a lot of the standards.  You have Captain America, the soldier who never stops fighting for the ideas the nation was founded on.  There's Superman, the ultimate embodiment of the immigrant who comes to America and is successful.  Uncle Sam (yes, there's a comic book character by that name) frequently leads the fight against threats to America over in DC comics...until his book gets mired down in continuity and is cancelled.  Again.

Then there's the patriotic heroes who aren't American.  Captain Britain's powers are directly proportional to how close he is to his homeland's soil.  Sabra is the super-powered defender of Israel.  The Winter Guard protects Russian interests, though they're often portrayed as bad guys or "misinformed."  

These all pale, though, before the greatest American hero of them all.  

I present...the American Rabbit.

Remember, everybody, send your angry letters care of:

Donald Trump

Trump Tower

725 5th Avenue

New York, NY  10022

Bold Eagles

So I got this message on Facebook:

Personal request. Please watch the animated film "Bold Eagles"- available on Netflix- and tell me what you think. Evy picked it out this evening, and I can honestly say it is one if the most disturbing films I've ever seen. You'll know what I mean once you watch it. If you can make it through to the end, that is...

Sadly, I don't have Netflix.  Oh, well.  But wait, I do have Hulu.  Could it be that this movie is on both streaming services at once?

...well, long story made short, yes.  It is.

So let's give it a watch.

Team Ninja Needs To Be Stopped

At one point in my life, I actually had an interest in the Dead or Alive games.  Back when it was originally just a fighting game franchise (and I was a lot more immature than I am now, reviews of cartoons featuring ponies notwithstanding), I thought it was pretty fun.  Dead or Alive 2 and Soulcalibur were my two favorite fighting games for quite a while, because even a "button masher" like me could manage to win sometimes.

Then the volleyball games came out, and when I tried the first one, I grudgingly admitted that the volleyball side of things wasn't bad, and sure, if you were lonely and desperate, the other side of it would be a diverting time waster.  Then the sequel to that came out, and....well, I've already expressed my opinion of THAT.

Now, I don't really like just deciding that an entire game franchise is bad because of one bad game.  If I did that, I would have never played any of the really great Assassin's Creed games.  So I decided I'd download a demo of the most recent one on the PS Vita, because it's the only place I could find a demo of it.

So what did I think?

Playing that game was just opening the door into a world of madness and corruption, revealing a company who simply wants to pry every penny it can from gamers with the most blatant, exploitative bait for their money that I've ever seen.

Needless to say, I'm not a fan.

Um, parents, you might not want to let your kids look past the break...some stuff might be...questionable.  

Let's Talk: Arms

I don't know if this happens to anybody else out there in the world, but it's something that bothers me on a regular basis.  In a way, it's rather interesting that in order to function in the world I'm able to put major issues facing the world (global warming, the Islamic State, the steady sinking of Venice) into a secondary position in my head, while pushing others (anything related to the Kardashians) into the same level of priority in my life as "what's going on in the middle of Death Valley?"  (Answer: Who cares?)

However, this recurring issue is one that I face daily, and while it should be a simple matter that biology and evolution would likely solve within the first five years of the first human-like creature to wander the planet, it still affects me greatly.

What am I supposed to do with my arms while I sleep?