Thursday, October 3, 2013

Top Eleven: Characters I Don't Want To See/Don't Think We'll See In Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

That might be the longest title I've ever had for an article.

Last time I discussed the top eleven characters/teams/groups I really, really hope we'll get to see or have a reference to in the new awkwardly named Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.  As people know, my knowledge of obscure and obtuse facts and characters is rather well developed, and while I'd love to see every character done in a live action format one day (the world cries out for one of the villains in a Spider-Man movie to be the Big Wheel), I know for a fact there are certain characters who simply don't seem to fit in how the current cinematic Marvel universe is being developed.

Here's where I break down the list of ones I don't want to see or just don't think would work in this new universe we're getting glimpses of annually/weekly.

Now some characters go without saying.  We're not going to see Ego the Living Planet, the Beyonder, or Mephisto.  We're probably not going to get characters like Big Hero Six from Japan, Force of Nature, or Salem's Seven.

In fact, I also know that we're not going to get any mutants.  The producers have commented that there's a select group of characters they get to play with while other studios get other characters, not to mention the fact that there are some big plans in place for even more characters.  In fact, you won't even hear the word "mutant" on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D...though now I'm curious how that's going to work with Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch in the Avengers sequel.

Also, unrelated note, who would've guessed that a sister for the Olsen Twins would a) be pretty darn cute, b) be a really talented actress, and c) be the Scarlet Witch?

Anyway, let's get going.

#11:  Ares

Once an Avengers-level threat villain, then an Avenger, then a Dark Avenger, then killed by the Sentry, Ares always annoyed me.  It was like if you took Wolverine, turned him into another generic huge muscled guy, replaced his claws with an axe, and replaced his personality and samurai nobility with just the "man I love to fight things" mindset he gets when he's savage.

In other words, he's nothing like Wolverine.

Now, granted, without Ares we probably won't ever get a Hercules, which makes me sadder than words can possibly express.  I would fund the entire Kickstarter campaign by myself to have Hercules show up in a Thor movie just so the two can punch each other around for a while and then go drink heavily.  I can even see the casting, have Marvel hire Joe Manganiello (the guy who played Flash in the first Spider-Man movie) for the role.

...okay, you know what, if Ares was the villain of a Thor movie, I wouldn't mind it so much.  So let's get a new number eleven.

#11:  Bi-Beast

An android created by an extinct race of bird people, the Bi-Beast has two heads, one on top of the other.  One brain contains all of the species' knowledge of culture, the other contains all of their knowledge of warfare.  Able to stand up to the Hulk in a fist fight, this bizarre creation just doesn't belong in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

This isn't to say I don't like the character.  I love how ridiculous this character is.  It's one of those things that could only really come out of the Marvel 70s, at a time when a lot of writers and editors were smoking, as one inside source states, "the good pot."

But yeah, don't put him in the cinematic universe please.  It'd just feel awkward.

#10:  The Elements of Doom

Picture, if you will, a force of 115-118 (depending on what the writers think of science at the time) enemies, some are gases, some are liquids, some are metals, some are other solids.  You'd have the elements of doom, a being for every element on the periodic table, powered by a crystal-matrix-like brain (though I don't know how that works on the air ones, to be honest).

First of all, you can't have that many characters on a TV screen at once.  Secondly, nobody's going to recognize most of them unless you have them shouting their own names all the time or wearing name tags.  Third, while it's an awesome idea in a comic book ("WHAT HATH SCIENCE WROUGHT?"), it really just doesn't fit in a world where there's only really one AI (Jarvis) in the world.  Plus, eventually someone would have to figure out how to make an elemental of vibranium or adamantium, and that's a mess nobody wants to write.

#9: The Mandrill/Purple Man

I'm including these two in the same group (but only putting a picture of one because the Purple Man is just a guy who's purple) because they both have the same mindset, even if their powers work differently.  See, Mandrill releases pheromones that let him control the minds of women.  Purple Man has mind control powers that he enjoys using on women for all the wrong reasons.  One is simply a pervert monkey guy, the other is a confirmed rapist.  Neither one belongs in this cinematic universe.

#8) M.O.D.O.K.

I love this character so much.  He's so absolutely ridiculous, but keeps getting played up as a huge threat in the Marvel Universe, and most of the time it's pulled off really well.  A giant head on a tiny body that needs a hovering chair to just keep from flopping over and snapping his own neck, the Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing (M.O.D.O.F.K.?) is something that can really only exist in a comic book.  Sure, they tried to do Hector Hammond (another giant head) in the Green Lantern movie, but that head pales in comparison to this one.  There's simply no way to have a giant head in a hovering chair be at all intimidating unless they really manage to do something freaky to Peter Dinklage, who I think is the only actor who could pull it off.

But yeah, that's just way too goofy and outside what the Cinematic Universe has shown so far.

#7) The Red Ghost (and his super-apes!)

Hey, kids, remember when the U.S.S.R. was a serious threat to America and we were trapped in a cold war?  Remember how they were racing us to be in space and to get to the moon?

Well, apparently the Red Ghost and his Super-Apes are all that's left of those glory days, and while I don't think anybody rebooting the Fantastic Four will ever use them, I don't want to see them in the live action universe, either.  I don't care how "cool" apes are becoming again in the "Planet of the" reboots.

#6)  The Phone Ranger

The Phone Ranger gains his powers from his suit.  The suit allows him to communicate with any phone system worldwide.  He gained his powers through microscopic aliens that live in phone lines.

I think I've said enough.

#5) Fin Fang Foom

Fin Fang Foom is another character I absolutely love.  A giant dragon that (sometimes) is green and (sometimes) wears purple pants, he's been an elder dragon, a space alien, a science experiment gone wrong, and a chef in the Baxter Building.  He once saved Christmas from Hydra Claus.  He's died numerous times but comes back with no explanation as to how.  Sometimes he's orange.  Sometimes he's psychic.  Sometimes he's a shape-shifter.  Sometimes he's eloquent, sometimes he's made up of millions of lizards that blend together into a single being, sometimes he likes to put young women in his pants (as seen above).

He's goofy, silly, and glorious.  But he has no place in this universe.  Yet.  He needs movie treatment, not television treatment.

Besides, once you start stomping entire cities with a giant green dragon monster, you're getting dangerously close to Godzilla territory.

#4) Cloud

Y'know, technically she's nekkid.

Okay, here goes.  Cloud is a sentient nebula (?!) that got amnesia (?!!) and came to Earth and, with its power, was able to take human form deciding that the best way to move around places was to look like a naked supermodel (?!!!).

I just-


I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a little eye candy, but-  Oh, right.  She was on the Defenders, fell in love with Moondragon so she/it changed its gender to be with her (should've waited a few years, Moondragon would've preferred it like that), regained its memory, and went back into space.

Look, do I really need to explain how this thing doesn't belong in the cinematic Marvel Universe?

#3) Rage

So let me get this straight.  It's the 90s.  He's young.  He's black.  He's from the streets.  He wears torn clothes, spiked shoulder pads, and a bad wrestler's mask.  He likes to solve problems with violence.  He'll actually be a 13 year old kid in an adult body, he'll live with his grandma, and he'll get onto the Avengers by showing up and yelling at them for not having black members so they'll invite him on.

Something's missing...

Oh, I know, we'll call him Rage.


#2) The Sentry

The Sentry was a failed attempt at Marvel to have "a guy like Superman doing Superman better than Superman does Superman."  He wouldn't sit around and cry when someone blew up a statue, he'd get mad about it and hit people with the power of "a million exploding suns."

Except he rarely left his house, and any time he did something good, it was counteracted by "The Void" which was his darker side.  Except it turns out the darker side was the "real" side of him an- look, I hate the character, okay?  The only time I ever liked him was when Hercules punched him with Venom.


#1)  The Squadron Supreme

Take the entire DC Universe, let a guy make an analogue of them for the Marvel Universe, and then have that guy tell a better story with them than DC has ever managed without rebooting everything.  You'd have the Squadron Supreme, a direct ripoff of the competition that started out as villains to fight the Avengers from another "Earth" but later managed to get their acts together.

Look, I already turned down one guy who was a rip-off of Superman, I don't think we need to have the entire Justice League showing up to mess around in this universe.

So there it is, the eleven people/groups I just don't think we'll ever see (or should want to see) in this continuity.  There are others I don't think we'll see, but mostly it's because they're part of other comics "groups."  I almost didn't include the Psycho Man in yesterday's list because he's traditionally a Fantastic Four villain, but I know he's branched out now and again.  So we won't see Ghost Rider, Wolverine, The Thing, or Spider-Man (or any of their villains) any time soon, so there won't be any symbiotes, silver surfboards, or Morlocks any time soon.

But the universe is big enough, I don't think they'll run out of ideas any time soon.

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