Top Eleven: Bottom Eleven Of 2013

Is there really any better way to address the changing of a year than to completely fixate on everything that happened in the previous year?  Who cares what might come up in the following 31,536,000 seconds when we can stare back nostalgically like someone unaware of an oncoming bus heading towards them.

But hey, how are we going to manage to make the future better if we don't remember our regrets from the previous year?  It's why I'm doing my Top Eleven Bottom Eleven Of 2013, the things I covered in this blog that frustrated me, drove me nuts, or just infuriated me with either how hard it was to write about, how painful it was to watch, or just something that I really didn't want to do.

I hope my suffering was worth it.

But first, of course, we're going to cheat a little.



Number 11:  My Inability To Finish Final Fantasy IV.

I've been meaning to do a retro review of this game since August.  However, before I did that, I wanted to play it back through again to completion to be able to give a full recounting of every moment.  I picked up the version for the DS, now with bonus CG scenes that only really show that Kain has really insane hair and that an adult Rydia's hips don't lie.

However.  I haven't finished it yet.  In fact, I haven't even played it in two months.  I'm on the moon (which, if you've played a Final Fantasy game, you know that fighting things on the moon is nothing new or old), but I just can't bring myself to continue grinding levels and beating up the same monsters over and over again.  I know I must be almost done, but...I don't know, I just can't bring myself to do it, and yet I don't think of the game negatively in any way...I just have to get off my butt and get it done.

Number 10: Watching Barb Wire again.

Pamela Anderson is to acting what botulism is to the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Watching her attempt to be "serious" wasn't just painful, it was agonizingly boring.  Especially when you consider that Casablanca is one of my favorite movies, and I could describe everything that was going to happen in the movie scene by scene as it copied the plot.

Well, that is until there was a huge fight on top of a forklift suspended from a crane.  That caught me unawares.  It was still boring, though.

Number 9:  King of the Nerds.

There's several different ways you can celebrate a sub-culture of humanity.

You can focus on it with respect, giving the people a chance to connect with the subject and present what they do in an interesting and illuminating way that makes people aware of the subject matter without making anybody look bad.

You could tackle it in an ironic way, subverting the rules and drawing attention to how self-aware the group is of their own stereotypes.  It's how a good satire works, having fun with the subject while still being aware enough to laugh at itself and point out the silly things that happen in that group.

Or you could take the King of the Nerds approach and showcase everything your parents think actually happens at Comic-Con with the most stereotypical group of nerds possible and not presenting any of them in much of a likeable way.

I don't know what bothered me more, the glorifying way they showcased that "being picked last is the true hallmark of a nerd" or relying on the booth babe stripper to wrap her arms around large phallic chess pieces to move them around a board.  It was just insulting in every possible way, when it would have been so easy, in light of the success of programs ranging from Big Bang Theory to Mythbusters to show just how amazing being a nerd can actually be.

Number 8:  Listening to The Walking Eye Podcast

This was an experience that just left a bad taste in my mouth.  If I listen to a podcast where people proclaim to be able to present things fairly, I expect them to a) present the subject matter with something resembling respect for it as an actual object, and b) to know what the heck they're talking about.  This podcast was neither, as a group of guys tried to show how to play certain tabletop games while screwing up the rules, treating the subject and each other with complete disrespect, and seeming about as emotionally involved with the process as I am in listening to someone recite every single sports statistic about the Houston Comets.

While there's a rocket being launched outside the room I'm in and I can get a glimpse of it through a window.

And it's being broadcast live from a bikini contest, hosted by Aleida Núñez.  Who's also competing.

...what I'm saying is, if the people involved don't care one lick, I won't either.

Number 7:  Watching Beauty And The Beast on the SyFy Channel.

When you're on vacation and you find yourself sitting in a hotel room watching a SyFy Original Movie, you really have to re-evaluate how you're spending your vacations.  I said in the review I laughed a lot during the movie, but looking back I can't help but wonder if that was because it was actually funny or if I had reached that primal part of the human brain that no longer wants anybody involved in the project to succeed and just wants to see how bad things will actually get before it ends.

Number 6:  Dealing With Gamestop.  Twice.

I don't think I need to say much more about this than I did then, except to point out that I don't think I've purchased anything from the store since then, and only ever went back in to renew my magazine subscription.

Number 5:  Trying to make sense of Superman: At Earth's End

Just because I come in to a project knowing it's going to be bad doesn't make it any easier to get through.  Walking across a bed of nails is something I know will be unpleasant, that doesn't mean my feet will have fewer holes in them afterwards just because I'm forewarned.

Being challenged only by comics such as the new relaunch of Justice League and perhaps some of the 90s comics that thought having a codename based on "Blood-something" was clever as the worst comic of all time, trying to bring sense to that storyline and find a cohesive meaning behind the whole thing is like trying to find artistic integrity in a pile of cat droppings.  It just leaves you with a lingering unpleasant odor and you know the creator is just as desperate to bury it and pretend it never happened as you are.

Number 4:  Hearing Walking In A Winter Wonderland Over And Over And Over And Over

I think I established pretty well that I really cannot stand that song, which is why my brain refuses to acknowledge there's any sensible reason for so many people to keep covering it without doing anything to make the lyrics better.

Number 3:  Archie Comics Making Me Look Bad In The News

Okay, I'm sure this wasn't intentional on their part, but I have to admit I felt pretty frustrated that almost immediately after I posted an article praising Archie Comics for how progressive they seemed to be shaping themselves up to be, someone pointed out that just earlier that month the CEO is being sued for sexual harassment to her male employees.

Well, I guess having guys sue a female CEO for something like that is progressive, but still, that's not the direction I really wanted it all to go.

Number 2:  Sitting Through Several "New" Scooby-Doo Games

Speaking of having no respect for the source material, we have the Scooby-Doo games that actually let you fight monsters with weapons and kung-fu in order to defeat giant bosses.

Not with clever traps, mind you, but with more weapons and kung-fu.

I can't think of any way they could possibly screw up the formula of "a group of meddling kids show up and solve a mystery and succeeding where adults failed because they refuse to believe what authority figures tell them" without having them meet the fairy from the Japanese Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and get robot suits.

...though that might be pretty awesome, actually.

And my Number One Worst Thing Connected To This Blog:

Number One: Having To Watch Every Episode of Super Mario Brothers: Super Show On That One DVD.

This show almost broke me.  It became absolutely unpleasant to watch every week to the point where I honestly wanted something, anything else to do.  I didn't actually plan out my Unico Week, I just threw it out there because I really, really didn't want to watch one more episode of Mario being the biggest jerk in every possible animated universe.

The fact that I have a DVD sitting around with the "best of" the Super Mario World cartoons with Yoshi just makes the memories even more unpleasant, because I know THAT might be in my immediate future.

So that's my Bottom Eleven, tomorrow I'll post my favorite things I discussed on this blog, and hopefully there will be more things like the second list than there are this list.