Ask Erik Episode Sixty

Here at Ask Erik, we treat every question with the respect it deserves, and would never dare to cross any line that would leave us looking either racist, sexist, or any other kind of "-ist."  Now, with that in mind:

To Erik: What would it take for a woman to lose her "woman card" like how a guy can lose his "man card?"

I am so doomed.

Confession time, I actually asked this question myself, but the responses seemed to indicate some further research was necessary.  Firstly, I was linked to this article, which seems to imply that if women get paid the same as men, then they won't be able to find husbands, and what's the point of being a woman, if not to get a husband?!

Now, that's just one politician talking through a set of outdated ideals before she goes back to churning butter and being afraid of electricity expressing her opinions, but there are plenty of women who are still "women" who don't have husbands or kids or want either.

I mean, if you want to go up to Oprah, Diane Keaton, or Condoleezza Rice and tell them to hand in their "woman card" because they've never been married, you're welcome to.  I just don't think society will take your side.

So if it isn't marriage, could it be something even more superficial?  How about physical maintenance?  

I mean, obviously those women need to hand in their "woman cards," right?  They're obviously men because they shaved yesterday.  I'm not even sure how a woman grows armpit hair that quickly or why the guy expects her legs to be so smooth if she just woke up.  Obviously, the solution is to wrap her in waxing strips like a mummy through the night and then unleash her sexy woman-ness on the world at the crack of dawn.  No, it's not emotional (and physical) bondage, it's for her own good.

Okay, maybe it's not that.  J.D. on Scrubs often was accused of being either gay or a woman because of the drinks he had ("Nice drink, does it come in hetero?"  "It does, but I didn't like it.").  Now, as I discussed before, obviously you can't be a woman if you eat a particular chain's x-tra bacon cheeseburger.  I know you also can't be a woman if you drink Dr. Pepper 10, as the ads clearly state.

The ten calories screams "just for men," but the eggshell blue can and
fancy writing for the letter P has me slightly confused.

One person I know suggested "sleeping around," which I think every sitcom in the 90's disproved (especially Living Single).  Also, if being known for having a lot of sex means you aren't a woman, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of guys who will claim that videos on the Internet prove otherwise as well.

So, when in doubt, we turn to Google.  Here's the links it suggested:

I received one (1) link that actually addressed the idea of a "woman card."

I received two (2) links asking how a woman can lose her virginity to another woman.

I received one (1) link advising girls on how to lose their virginity with less pain.

I received four (4) links explaining why women in relationships need their own credit cards, and also why women with their own credit cards are huge targets for thieves.

I received one (1) link trying to explain why women get depressed after losing their virginity.

So, what have I learned from the Internet?

To be a woman, you have to avoid specific drinks, keep yourself constantly shaved everywhere that isn't the top of your head or your eyebrows (avoid the monobrow, though), suffer no pain when you lose your virginity, own some credit cards, avoid mutant bacon cheeseburgers, and get married while earning less money.

If you aren't doing all of those, well, someone will be along soon to collect your card.  Missing even one automatically makes you a dude.  I mean, just look at how many guys keep their legs shaved, avoid burgers, worry about the pain of losing their virginity, and avoid Dr. Pepper 10 but still manage to not have credit cards.  It's that one thing that keeps them from binge-watching The "L" Word and getting their nails done while talking about shoe sales while looking at ads showing blue liquid being absorbed by pads.

I swear, it's the only time you'll see a slippery slope that goes in both directions.