Top Eleven: Bottom Eleven Of 2013

Is there really any better way to address the changing of a year than to completely fixate on everything that happened in the previous year?  Who cares what might come up in the following 31,536,000 seconds when we can stare back nostalgically like someone unaware of an oncoming bus heading towards them.

But hey, how are we going to manage to make the future better if we don't remember our regrets from the previous year?  It's why I'm doing my Top Eleven Bottom Eleven Of 2013, the things I covered in this blog that frustrated me, drove me nuts, or just infuriated me with either how hard it was to write about, how painful it was to watch, or just something that I really didn't want to do.

I hope my suffering was worth it.

But first, of course, we're going to cheat a little.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Nine (The final episode!)

Well, I guess I've put this off long enough.  Time to bite the bullet, face the music, cross the Rubicon, and use a bunch of other tired expressions while I watch the final episode of the Best Of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show.  The fact that this says "The Best of" will never be lost on me, because this might be some of the absolute worst animation I've seen in my adult life.

The only high points of the series so far has been the depth of characterization in King Koopa and Luigi, and so far King Koopa is the only one who hasn't come across as being either a) inconsequential, b) oblivious, or c) selfish to the point of being a villain themselves.

Also, I'm starting to understand why they don't give Mario a personality in the video games, any attempt to make him more than just a two dimensional character is probably still tainted by this show.

I'm just thankful I don't have to look at any of the terrible live action bits of the show.  For now, anyway.

So let's get this over with.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Eight

Two episodes left.

I'm now almost completely convinced that if I could go back in time and meet my younger self, I would have so much advice about things to do and things not to do.

Things to do:  Invest in Apple back when the stock was ridiculously low and the company was almost going under.  Hold on to this list of strategically timed lotto numbers.  Write this book series I'm handing you called "Harry Potter."  Use a fake name if you have to.

Things to not do:  Don't take that huge hill getting home from your job in the future at a movie theater, the light is hard to see.  Don't tell the girl you tutor your freshman year you like her, she won't talk to you again.  Don't attend the new learning program at George Mason University, it'll go defunct in a year and you need a year off anyway.  Never watch a cartoon based on Mario and his friends.  EVER.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Seven

Over the weekend I wound up with an extremely bad sunburn on my back.  It actually hurts to sit up straight in case my back touches the back of my chair.  I'm looking forward to being able to remove an entire layer of skin from my backside in one pull like I'm trying to pull the tablecloth out from under a family's dinner.

But in the meantime, because my suffering hasn't reached any actual extremes yet (though I do feel warm all the time, I wonder why sunburns do that), I've decided to continue my reviews of episodes of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.

Because the sooner I get this over with, the sooner I can move on to something else.

Three episodes left, including this one, so let's see if the bar can get any lower than the last one's terrible retelling of a Shakespearean classic.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Six

When I first decided to take another look at the Super Mario Brothers Super Show episodes, I was really hoping they'd have held up as I got older.  Looking back at a lot of cartoons I used to really enjoy growing up, it seems there are those who are simply timeless and magical no matter what age you experience them at (Batman: The Animated Series, Gargoyles, Animaniacs) and there are those whose freshness runs out the moment the episode ends (Courage The Cowardly Dog).

You'd think it'd be rather easy to come up with a cartoon show based on Mario and Luigi and turn it into an epic quest, having each season take them through a story like in the games.  The goal is to rescue the Princess, and each episode (or every two, if you want them to be regular two-parters like how Justice League did it for a while) you could introduce a new world, new monsters, and a new "boss" for them to overcome.  Have a two-parter where they explore a haunted house, throw in a little joke where Luigi manages to capture a Boo in a vacuum cleaner.  Another episode or two takes place in the desert and they have to figure out how to fight an angry dive-bombing sun.  One more underwater where they have to deal with giant fish that can swallow them in a single gulp or a giant octopus creature.

But make it fresh and new, have us explore the world with the brothers, so when they're seeing something for the first time, people in the audience can hug their game cartridges to themselves and think "I know what that is, that's Wiggler!" or "That's Birdo!"  or "Holy- they put in that evil piano from Super Mario 64?  Those sick people!"

But no, instead we get pasta jokes, made up worlds that make no sense, and a complete lack of logic to anybody's actions.

So let's look at another one.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Five

So far while watching "the best" of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, I've come to the conclusion that Bowser King Koopa is the only character with even a single lick of intelligence, that Mario is quite possibly the worst hero the Mushroom Kingdom could ever hope for, and Luigi is doomed to live in the shadows of his incredibly incompetent brother.

I really don't think it's going to get much better when the next episode is called Two Plumbers And A Baby.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Four

I've had a long-standing belief that "it's not the heat, it's the humidity."  Having lived in Virginia, I can say that it wasn't when the temperature would peak over 100 degrees that made it murder to go outside, it's when it was also so humid that it actually hurt to breathe and your clothing would immediately absorb all immediate water from around you.

It's rather warm where I live now (for, you know, Maine), but considering I was able to walk around in Phoenix when the temperature was over a hundred for several days, I stand by my notion that humidity is what makes warm weather uncomfortable.

So maybe today's Super Mario Brothers Super Show will help me out with this heat.  Maybe it'll be a funny little underwater adventure with those frog suits that never really did much, or perhaps a trip to some land covered in ice.

So much for that hope.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Three

Another week has gone by, and it's time to take another look at the cartoons from the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, a program that, for some reason, I remember fondly despite the fact that trying to watch it now feels almost painful sometimes in just how low-quality it seems the show is willing to settle for.  If the show has standards, they just don't seem very high, and are getting lower as time goes on.

As one humorist I've followed once said, "The floor's the limit!"

The first episode was a terrible rip-off of Star Wars which felt out of place in every sense from the universe that Mario and Luigi supposedly exist in, and I'm keeping in consideration the fact that they have been to space (twice), and have even existed as paper-thin versions of themselves battling evil with the help of stickers.

The second episode seemed to fit better in the "strange worlds" theme, since it involved a beanstalk and giants, two things that are already established in canon.  Let's see if the third episode is more the former or the latter.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode Two

Okay, so perhaps my efforts to rediscover a show from my childhood and why I loved it so much didn't go quite as planned.  In searching through the "best" of the Super Mario Brothers Super Show I wound up watching what might have been the most pointless rip-off of Star Wars  I've ever seen.

And I've seen Turkish Star Wars.

So, okay, maybe it's because I have such a love for the original Star Wars that I wasn't able to get as much enjoyment out of it.  Maybe I'm a bit more jaded these days, so I'm more sensitive to racial stereotyping, and maybe I'm more sophisticated so I need more than just endless pasta jokes.

But surely there has to be something in here that I can find enjoyable.  Let's dig through another episode to find out.

Plumbing Shallow Waters: Episode One

...huh.

So, uh, yeah.  Looks like I finished up the first season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  Took me quite a while, but I'm actually pretty proud of the achievement.  I've been doing this a good chunk of this year now, and maybe it's time to look at something from my childhood.

Let's see, what's something simple I could do?   I would prefer something that fits on a single DVD, something recognizable without being too "back in fashion" retro, and something I just haven't seen in a long time, of course.  Something I have some somewhat warm feelings about from my childhood.

...okay, I did go into a little bit of detail on this subject before, but I suppose I could go into more depth.  Plus, the DVD cost me two dollars, so the price is right.  I enjoyed this show as a kid, so I should be able to watch it again and find what drew me to like it in the first place, hopefully.

Okay, let's give it a shot.