Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Day Six Of Nitpicking The Twelve Days Of Christmas

Twelve drummers drumming.  I suppose, in a way, you're being courteous by having the loudest gift come last just so your neighbors aren't complaining, but much like the ladies dancing and leaping lords, you have to ask yourself, "what sort of quality am I looking for?"  Do you want a high school kid who picked up drums because they already had too many trumpets, or are you looking for one of the best?

Suppose money's no object.  You want to hire the most expensive drummer in the world.  Here's a hint, it's not Dave Grohl, Phil Collins, or Don Henley (though those are numbers 2, 3, and 4).

Think...English.  Think "silly name."

 First off, Lars Ulrich is Danish.  You could argue he's the world's most famous Dane in- no, I'm stopping this sentence early so there's no chance of posting a picture of Dane Cook.

Anyway, it's Ringo Starr.

Or as he was known back in the day, "the guy that Seth Meyers will kinda look like in the future."
Ringo Starr's personal worth is approximately 300 Million dollars.  Not too shabby.

Now, I am pleased to say that I did take a peek at "drummer" as a disambiguation on Wikipedia, and no fish came up.

However, apparently it is the name of a kind of cockroach.

Iiiiiiii'm not gonna post that picture.

The blaberus discoidalis sadly has nothing to do with talking too much or with a 70's dance craze.  It's known as the tropical cockroach, West Indian leaf cockroach, Haitian cockroach, discoid cockroach, and the false death's head cockroach.

...based on that last one, I'm almost tempted to post a picture of it, because that's a great name.

You can buy 100 mixed sizes of the little guys online for $59.00 (marked down from $99 for the holidays!) here.  I'm sure you're all going to jump right over to that site and explore, so I'll wait.

Okay, back to drums.

"Drums" are a species of fish also known as croakers, heardheads, and- arrgh.


There's a joke I heard once that I always find amusing, partly because I know for a fact it's not true.

"What's the last thing a drummer ever says to his band mates?"

"Hey guys, why don't we play one of my songs?"

Now, when I think of hiring twelve guys to play the drums, I don't immediately think of them marching into a room that already has the rest of the items in it.

I don't even want to be doing all of this in a room, regardless of whether it's a one bedroom apartment or a stadium.

For this kind of gift presentation, you know what you need?

Did you know you can hire your own parade in New Orleans?  If you ever wanted to announce an impending nuptual, the passing of a loved one, or just be the most pretentious person to ever go to the grocery store, the world has you covered.  There are organizations that take care of everything for you, from finding the band, getting the permits, and helping to plot the route.

You even get real police officers leading the whole thing, making everybody get out of the way because YOU want to buy some Funyuns, baking soda, and a gallon of milk.

So let's look at the price.  The application for a Parade Permit is $50.25 and can only be paid via cashier's check or money order.  You need to have at least one officer as an escort, and you have to pay them in cash on the day.  Routes and sizes determine the number of officers needed, but each officer is $100.

Now throw in the price of the band.  On average, based on my research, you're looking at seven hundred to a grand for a band to escort you for the six to eight blocks the parade will continue (sadly, you can't have it go further unless you hire it twice, once for the trip to the store, once to go back).

There are a few other regulations, such as that your parade can never go against traffic (which means it's the scenic route home with that milk!), you can't disrupt the area too much, and generally you and your mob of followers (trust me, they show up) have to stay behind the leads, which usually includes your drummers.  But if you're going to be escorting along some geese, hens, dancing ladies, leaping lords, and (somehow) milking maids, you'll have quite the show on your hands.

I've never been to New Orleans, but when people ask me "what do you want done after your death," some kind of wacky Weekend at Bernie's event with a parade is going to be popping up in my head.

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