As such, one of my early Christmas presents this year was a bag full of individual portions of a variety of cereals for me to try, consider, and eventually review. I decided to try the first one today, and have since come to the conclusion that science has truly been able to create colors and flavors that one would never find in nature.
Let's begin with what I hope is the most colorful (otherwise I'd be struck blind) of the cereals, Kellogg's Froot Loops.
I just need to point out something really quickly: my quick Google search for that image also provided me with this:
Seriously. Who thought that was a good idea? Any parent who ever thought "you know, Billy's cereal which has sugar listed higher than flour on the list of ingredients is surely healthy enough to justify small compacted pieces of sugar added to it" deserves to have their child taken away for a while so they can be forced into a healthy eating internment camp.
Where was I? Oh, right.
Originally I thought the loops must represent different flavors. Based on the distinctive shades, I would expect green for granny smith apple, yellow for yellow watermelon (it's a thing), purple for currants, blue for (ugh) , orange for apricots, and red for dragonfruit, because none of those colors are connected with any normal flavors. I was quickly proven wrong about this, as I have absolutely no idea what flavor these are supposed to be, except the box insists it's all "natural" fruit flavors. As opposed to "artificial" fruit flavors.
I'll point out that, the way it's worded, that only means the fruit flavors are natural, not that any other flavoring is natural. But that might just be the paranoia talking.
The cereal is certainly sweet, but I picked up what almost felt like a citrus burst (possibly an added acid to the flavoring) which I figure is to help increase saliva and then increase how well you can taste the cereal itself.
Since I'm already slightly ADD about the whole article, I may as well add this fact: The reason why so many dishes include just a quick squeeze of lemon, lime, or orange (juice, zest, or otherwise) is that the human body is trained biologically to react to specific flavors in certain ways. Look at the following list of foods and pay attention to how much saliva is in your mouth:
Chocolate.
Peas.
Steak.
Carrots.
Apples.
Trout.
Lemons.
Did you notice that your mouth slightly watered at that last one, despite the fact that you'd never actually eat a lemon? That's because citrus sparks saliva production, and saliva is how our body actually tastes things. Our taste buds rely on a liquid to be present when it attempts to taste things, which is why if you wipe off your tongue and have someone feed you a random flavor of cookie, you might not be able to determine what kind of cookie it is very easily. Water works, but saliva actually contains amylase, a chemical that reacts to starches and sugars and can change how they taste to us to make them more pleasing.
With just a hint of lemon juice in an apple pie, on a piece of cooked fish, or in a sorbet, your body will produce more saliva and you'll better be able to taste the rest of the flavors in the foods you like.
...once again, I've lost my train of thought.
I have no idea how to classify the flavors of Froot Loops except to say "every ring tasted pretty much the same" which is a bit disappointing, it makes me wonder why it took until the 90s to add additional colors besides the three original ones.
Looking at the rings, I was reminded of the discount brand chocolate cake donuts that used to be in the vending machine at my high school. The "frosting" seemed to be baked into the donut somehow, turning into a twisted glaze that you could almost see the actual donut through. However, I suspect that if I dug into a Froot Loop (singular) I'd simply find more of the same texture.
The coloring, obviously, is completely artificial. Looking at the cereal in front of me, I was vaguely reminded of the worst colors that became popular in the late 80s and early 90s, and wondered if I painted enough things those colors women would all start wearing leggings instead of pants under baggy shirts and sweate- oh wait.
Froot Loops are amazingly light on the tongue, and I can't help but wonder if the increased surface area by having something so light and airy acts to help with taste or simply make it more enjoyable for kids.
The last bit of cereal I did try with milk, to make the tasting set-up "authentic" (as at least one person I would would tell me I ruined the entire experiment if I didn't), and watching the milk slowly change colors, it really started to mess with the part of my brain that knows that certain foods shouldn't be certain colors. I wouldn't feel comfortable eating red eggs, blue oranges, or black bananas. They might taste perfectly fine, and I'm not saying I'm some strict "Sam I Am" hating guy who would simply refuse to eat it, it would just be unsettling.
Watching the milk go from from white to slowly blending neon shades, I felt my nerve swiftly dwindle away. I sampled a small amount, and I could feel the sweetness starting to permeate it, which just isn't what I really want in milk.
And for the record, milk should either be white or brown if it has chocolate added and heated up. There's no excuse for strawberry milk.
If I had to rate the cereal from one to ten, one being the absolute worst cereal I ever put in my mouth (which I think was one of those organic ones that tasted like dry twigs) and ten being the absolute best cereal in existence (Honey Nut Cheerios, no question)... I'd give this a 5. Maybe when my tastes weren't as developed I would've liked it more, but even when I was young I was never really a huge fan of overly sweet cereals, and Froot Loops seems to have given up on pretending to be anything other than sugar with some flour baked in.
Side note: I found it interesting that, even having never eaten it as far as I could remember, I could name all three actors who played Toucan Sam.
First, you had Mel Blanc (because he voiced everybody at one point):
Next up was Paul Frees, who was in so many things it's impossible to name them all.
Currently, it's done by Maurice LaMarche, who is also extremely prolific, but you hear him as the voice of Brain on Pinky and the Brain and the current voice of Lexus. He's also done most of the secondary characters on Futurama and...you know what, just go look at his imdb page. It'll blow your mind.
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