Since the start of December, I've been taking a moment each evening to examine a popular Christmas carol and overthink/nitpick the daylights out of it.
Anybody who's paying attention knows that yesterday I didn't.
That's because tonight, I'm focusing entirely on one of my least favorite carols of all time.
It drives me nuts on every level. Characterization, grammar, consistency, tone...every time I hear it, I just want to invent a time machine, go back to when it was first penned down, and shake the author going "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Let's break this song down verse by verse, shall we? This is Winter Wonderland.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, slow is glistening.
A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland
I have absolutely no problem with these lyrics. In fact, I love these lyrics. They fit any kind of instance of people being together, whether it's as friends, family, or lovers. It sets a solid tone, it lays out the landscape, and it firmly sets an image in your head without being too detailed. There's just enough room left for your imagination to take over.
These are great lyrics here. Unfortunately, it then crashes like the value of Zimbabwe money.
Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is a new bird
..."new bird" isn't very specific. What kind of bird arrives in winter after the snows have started?
He sings a love song
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland
Okay, not bad, I just wish I knew what the heck this bird is supposed to be. A turkey? Is it metaphorical, like "bird" represents a young lady because this is the early 20th century? A lovebird? Couldn't you just say that? You can rhyme "bird" to "bird" you didn't need to rhyme it to "blue."
In the meadow we can build a snowman
Oh lord, here it comes.
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
Who is Parson Brown? Is this a real person you're putting over the snowman, or did you just make him up? This becomes important in a minute.
He'll say, Are you married?
We'll say, No man.
Pretty nosy for a snowman. Now, to be fair, it is you attributing this religious interest in your sinful relationship to the bundles of frozen water, but I'm not a therapist.
But you can do the job
When you're in town.
...if Parson Brown is a real member of the church, how do you expect him to get this message? Can he communicate via snowmen? Does he put on a helmet and the snowman's mouth starts to move in time with his speech as his thoughts are transmitted through the carrot nose into the viewer's brain?
Was there some magic in that old silk hat you f- wrong song.
If Parson Brown isn't real, then you're lying to a snowman about your interest in making your relationship permanent. You're essentially that guy who keeps promising his girlfriend that sure, you'll get married, just as soon as you get that better job, or once the economy improves, or once the kids move out.
Later on, we'll conspire
That can't be good.
As we dream by the fire
Erik At The Gates would like to remind you, the reader, to never fall asleep with a fire still going in your fireplace unless you have a system in place to seal it in. One lone spark, launched from dying embers, could burn your house down with you in it.
To face unafraid
The plans that we made
What plans? Being fake-married by a fake-Parson?
Walking in a winter wonderland
Wait, are you walking or are you conspiring while dreaming? Are you sleepwalking while holding a torch?
In the meadow we can build a snowman
Oh great, another one.
And pretend that he's a circus clown
...you know, I was just thinking that something I don't see nearly enough of around the holidays are clowns.
Plus, you know, clowns are known for simply standing in place and not moving, right? Certainly not for pratfalls, acrobatics, and jokes. A snowman is a great representation of that. Unless it's a sad clown, but why would you inflict that on a snowman?
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman
This one doesn't even get a name. Just "clown." Nice.
Until the other kids knock him down.
Wait. "Other" kids? Are you two kids? Are you pledging to get married to a fake parson while you're underage? What are you two doing conspiring and sleeping together in front of fires if you're "kids?"
When it snows, ain't it thrilling
Not if you have to drive in it.
Though your nose gets a chilling
That's terrible grammar.
We'll frolic and play the Eskimo way
And mildly racist!
Walking in a winter wonderland.
...I really don't like this song.
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