Monday, January 28, 2013

10 More "Classic" Video Game Covers (and other images!)

As stated before, I love the website oh video games.  It's one of the first things I've encountered during my dabbles with tumblr, and if everything else holds up to this quality of nostalgia and entertainment (spoiler alert: it won't) I look forward to seeing more!

So let's look back at 10 more things from video games I recall better than what I had for breakfast yesterday.

First, an ad, but I remember this game.

Okay, this one needs some back story.  See, in Japan they had this game about a cyborg cop who went around killing parasite-like creatures.  However, in America, they thought "hey, you know what's popular?  Street Fighter II is popular. So why don't we take Ken and have him turn into a super cop in the year 2010 and have to fight monsters across dimensions?"  Because that's precisely what I thought the logical step from that original game was, and the fact that "Blanka, P.I." doesn't yet exist is just one more thing that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.

That is not an egg.  That is a shaven, solitary part of a male genitalia trying to "drop" down a level, but worried about smacking itself against a bar like so many young men dread.  Meanwhile, it is being chased by what I can only assume is some horrible vagina dentata with pipe cleaner legs.

Okay, first off, that is one well-drawn woman for a game cartridge for those days.  Moving on, there are two important things to note:

1) This is not all related to Marvel Comics, though that face he has is obviously some kind of mutant power.  It ranks him right up there with Beak for "man, God sure hated you, huh?"

2) There seems to be a recurring theme, along with Chuckie Egg II about things with teeth or other sharp implements trying to destroy a man's genitals.  Maybe there's a continuity between these games, the touching story of a man's genitalia attempting to complete the transition from boyhood to manhood as puberty strikes, followed by the foolish younger days when tight shorts and cut-off shirts were cool (also called the 80s).  You'd try to sleep with any woman who seemed to know how to unclasp their own bra with only one hand as you tried to complete that passage to being a man.  But surely this doesn't follow the standard Hollywood "trilogy" formula, right?

Holy crap, it's the same guy, just all grown up and in his gritty "90s" phase. There are two things about this picture I love.  One is that he figured the best way to accessorize his pig-nosed appearance was with blue lipstick and tiny red sunglasses.  The other is that, wherever this world is that these characters exist in, what the woman is wearing is considered formal attire, as evidenced by the fancy long gloves. 

Let's move on to something less perverse.

There are often times people who buy video games are disappointed by what the contents actually are.  For instance, I just learned recently that the game Dead Island, though the box clearly states "2-4 co-op" without requiring the use of playing online, doesn't let you have your friends join you for killing zombies.

This game, however, I don't think anybody could really complain about.  What is it?  It's a cartridge.  A cartridge for the game "Ghost House."  It says so right on the cartridge.  The only thing that you might complain about is the fact there's no house, or that it isn't an actual sized image.

 I look at this game, and I see thought balloons, dot patterns in the background, and simple-colored artwork of people who seem to be in conflict.  I can only hope- no, I can only pray that this game takes place in the same world as the classic "young romance" series of comic books.

If there was actually a game called "M.A.D. Games" (complete with backward "e") that had games based on the titles of old classic comic romance stories, I'd own it just to show people how insane things could be.  Who wouldn't want to play games called "The Man I Kept On A String," "The Savage In Her," "My Mother, My Rival," or "Back Door Love?"  ...okay, maybe not that last one.  ...yeah, let's just move on.  This column has taken a disturbing turn.

Anybody who played the music video games of the 90s knows just how bad they are, but for those who don't, I can only implore you to look at the expression on that young man's face.  That would be my face if I died, went to Hell, and was told my punishment was to play those games for the rest of eternity, never stopping.  Also, an important note, on the back left, I don't remember C&C Music Factory consisting of Carlton Banks and DJ Jazzy Jeff.

... I'm really not sure what to make of this.  I assume that the cyclops (they have horns?  Help me out, mythology geeks) and the dragon are erupting from separate arcade machines, but how many arcade machines had joysticks attached to them?  Plus, how are you supposed to buy this game in a shop?  "Yes, I'd like one copy of AAARGH!"  "Are you okay?"  "What?"  "Huh?"

My guess is that whoever was in charge of designing the game couldn't think of a proper title, so he just scribbled down his frustration on a piece of paper and sent it up to management to let them know he was having trouble.  One thing led to another, and "ta-da."

I'm going completely off the box art on this one, as I have no memory of this game.  So my assumption is that the spaceships are the heroes, tasked with destroying two women of the future whose hairstyles aren't actually hairstyles.  Instead, they have both become possessed and are hosts for eldrich Lovecraftian horrors, constantly twisting and straining against the the confines of both the boundaries of our universe and the strong hold of L.A. Looks hair gel.

Okay, let's end with a commercial from the site.  It's time for an awesome rap!

 I'll admit, I remember that game fondly.  But it's only the second best musical commercial ever made involving a Zelda game.  The first, obviously, is this:

And that's real.

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