This post has a pretty big "about me" towards the end, so it's going to ramble a bit as I work up the nerve to say it. Strangely enough, I feel more embarrassed about it than talking about depression.
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As I write this, I'm sitting on the grass at LL Bean listening to The Head And The Heart play through Lost In My Mind. As they play, I find myself doing something I regularly when I'm somewhere that has a crowd: I'm watching the audience with the same fascination I watch the group. There's a ridiculously young couple near me, he showed up early this morning to place a blanket down so they were guaranteed a good seat. Behind me is a group of- oop, hold on.
Sorry, the song was picking up before the finish and everybody was standing cheering, so I figured I should, too.
There are teenagers behind me who brought a picnic with them, and I listened to conversations through the day ranging from the difference between a ratchet and wrench, how terrible Shia Labeouf's acting is, and prom hijinks. There are couples in the crowd leaning against each other, friends standing on the harder surfaces dancing, children sitting in laps being gently rocked, and at least two photographers running around like maniacs taking pictures.
What does this have to do with being outgoing? Well, to begin with, it's a wonder I'm even here.
I don't do things on my own very often.
Well, that's not entirely true. When I take trips, I tend to spend a lot of time own my own exploring, investigating, and learning. I did it in Rome, I did it in Venice, I did it in Ireland, I did it in Phoenix and Portland (Oregon) and San Francisco. But the difference there is that I don't spend any time in my own head, I'm instead caught up in seeing what's around that street corner, what's past that overpass, or (in the case of Ireland, at least) what's behind that cow on the hill?
Throw me into a strange city, and I'll find a way to communicate with the locals (I did it in Croatia), I'll find fascinating cuisine (there's an Indonesian rice table in Amsterdam I'll never forget), and I'll find hidden points of fascination to explore (if there are still noticeable footsteps in the cave under Blarney Castle, that's my bad).
The point of this post isn't to brag about traveling. I think the previous two paragraphs acted as a great distraction for me to avoid my point, because the mere act of putting myself out there, even in text form, is difficult. My point is that when it comes to going out to a museum, a concert, a movie, or anything else that is an experience fixed in one position, unless people I know are going to be there, I tend to not go.
I don't think it's uncommon to prefer-
Man, I think my neck got sunburned today. Dammit, no more distractions.
I don't think it's uncommon to prefer to do fun things with friends or family. I think I just tend to value the experience less if I don't have a friend or family member there to experience it with. Every year the Yarmouth Clam Festival comes and goes about twelve minutes from where I live, and each year the only reason I go is because I somehow talk myself into it.
The same thing happens at the Fourth of July, at other LL Bean concerts, at big summer event movies, at events my friends mention they're attending, be they online or in the real world. It's pretty much any thing that could be considered an event. When I do wind up going by myself, I always feel like it's somehow wrong for me to have as much fun as I'd have with other people. ...actually, that's simplifying it.
Let me present a situation. When I've watched movies in theaters, I've always glanced around now and again to see how other people are reacting to it. I tend to focus the attention on friends since it's easier to glance sideways at them. I look for a sense of wonder when watching something huge and epic, or an expression of childish delight or complete enjoyment at a funny moment or when something familiar happens. A character cameos in a superhero movie? I glance over to see if there's the same flicker of recognition.
Plus, I like discussing the movie while it's still fresh. That's partly due to the fact that my brain sometimes jumbles up parts of movies together, but also I just love those initial reactions from others, to find out what stuck the most whether positive or negative. However, when there's nobody else to watch with, to discuss and debate the highs and lows with afterward, I feel like it's not a complete experience. Instead of taking something and making it a social experience that could further build those relationship bonds, it's instead just me killing two hours in a dark room eating candy when I could be doing something else.
I used to sit at the fireworks at the Fourth or watch people on the rides at a festival and have the same thought every year: "Next year, it'll be different. Next year at this time I'll have someone in my life, and we'll do this together and both have a blast just because we're doing it together."
It never happened, and each year I'd get mad at myself for not being more outgoing, not going to more events, not finding ways to meet people, and not signing up for something like eHarmony or Match.com.
I think I expressed before that the smaller the group I'm with, the better I do, which would indicate, in my mind, that when I do find that right person, it's going to be like all of my social anxiety will crumble and I'll be socially brilliant. I'll listen to what they have to say and know if they want a solution to a problem or just want sympathy. I'll know just the right time to say a comment that makes them laugh, but also know when we don't need to fill in the silence because we both just enjoy having ourselves near each other.
It's Tuesday now, I've managed to put off completing this article for three days as I read it over, made some edits, and dealt with this ridiculous sunburn I picked up.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the types of people I get along best with and tend to be the most at ease socializing with, and I realized that I think the people I do the best around are women who are "safe." Other guys, there's always a hint of competition, or there will just be very little I have in common to talk about. There are obviously exceptions to this, as most of my best friends are men, but I tend to pick up new friends slowly, and usually not until after a good time of simply being around the other person.
The women, however, they're either married, engaged, dating someone else for a long time, or simply so far out of my league that I don't even have to worry that there's even the most minute chance they'd call me up in the middle of the night drunk and say "I want you." I think I worry a lot about getting into a relationship because I'm afraid I'd over think it. I wouldn't be able to do something simple, I'd make it overly complicated. I wouldn't be able to just "hang" without worrying about if I'm doing enough or if I'm doing too much and being smothering. I'm worried I'd spend so much time fixated on the details of the relationship that I'd miss some of the obvious things, like maybe she just wants me to toss something in the microwave and sit with her on the couch instead of having me prepare an intricate dinner to help her feel better.
I think this holds me back, because it seems like nobody else I ever talk to ever worries about things like that. For so many people, social interaction on a large scale or personal level seems to just come easily and naturally, like there was a class on how to do it in school and I somehow didn't sign up for it.
Then again, I feel that way about a lot of things that most people probably just automatically know, like "what's the right length of a pair of shorts?" "Should there be any hair on a person's back? If so, how much? If not, what's the best way to get rid of it?" "How do you just walk up to a group of people and say "hi" and join in a conversation without looking like you're forcing yourself in?"
Now, something about me is that I develop crushes the way a Rite-Aid or CVS develops pictures: in bulk. At some point soon I'm going to do the Top 11 Crushes Erik Had Growing Up (most will be actresses from movies and TV), but it's fair to say that my mind can sometimes be overruled by either hormones, attraction, or whatever makes a crush develop. It doesn't even have to be the complete person, I developed a crush once on my dental hygienist because I thought she has a gorgeous neck (it was the only part of her I could see).
But when I look at which ones seem to last longer and which ones fizzle out fastest, I notice that the ones that last longer are the ones that might not particularly be best for me. The wilder women, the ones who I might have the least in common with, or the ones whose behavior I just would never engage in myself...those tend to stick around. I think it's that I envy their willing to be so bold as to simply put themselves out there and go "here I am, accept me or not, I don't care, but it'll be more fun for both of us if you do." I think that's what my next relationship, even if it doesn't wind up being "the one" will help with, and I'll find someone who's willing to help me be more outgoing and be that outgoing social person that only a limited few people have seen.
Here's the final build-up to that big reveal... There's a common problem I have to deal with where, once I feel I'm late for something, it becomes harder and harder for me to do it as time goes on. If I forgot to tell someone something, I'll feel more and more awkward about saying it later, which will cause me to hold off telling them, making me feel even more awkward. Sending a birthday present after I missed their birthday is torture, because I already feel embarrassed, which means they might not ever get the gift (but get something really awesome the year after to make up for it).
I've never been on a date. The closest thing I had were three instances: one was trying to hang out with a girl (who seemed interested back) at a bowling alley during a high school trip. The whole thing was awkward and we didn't really pursue anything afterward. The other was when I was volunteering at a camp to help the some family friends' son who had some disabilities. One of the girls at the camp came upon me hanging out on a grassy hill watching stars go past, and we sat there as I pointed out various astronomical objects to her.
The third...well, that will be a separate blog post. That one's kinda complicated in a "does it/doesn't it count" way and it's still a little sore.
From there, I never had that first kiss (you and your sappy movie can suck it, Drew Barrymore), never had that first relationship, never really got serious about anyone...I've always just been "me." And now that I realize I'm absolutely ridiculously behind in where I should be, relationships-wise, I get this paranoid fear that it's too late and I shouldn't try. Somehow, my attempting to join the dating scene without experience would just put off anybody I met, since I wouldn't be at some unknown-to-me official level of accomplishment.
It'd be like seeing that fully grown adult bowling with the bumpers out, or using water wings at the pool, or riding a bike with training wheels. There's a sense of shame that can come with it, because it's something everybody else learned to do such a long time ago. However, I was ridiculously shy in high school (I got along great with girls, but always as "that guy who always listens when they have problems with their boyfriends"), I was dealing with some rough stuff up to my early twenties, and then from there I tended to just not be interested in the ways most people I knew met other people (bars, parties, events...see above for that explanation again, I'm not going into it here), and I seemed to be stuck waiting for that "meet cute" that happens in movies. Sadly, I never had a moment where I met Zooey Deschanel in an elevator, saved Jennifer Lopez from a runaway dumpster, or got saved by Darryl Hannah after I fell out of a boat.
Bonus points to anybody who names those movie references.
I'd love to find that someone who I feel at ease with, who I just enjoy having around me, who manages to help me where I falter and I can help where they need me, but we both somehow make each other stronger allowing for the things that always happen in relationships because people aren't perfect...I'm just not sure I can ever get up the nerve.
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