Nintendo World Cup

The first video game system I personally owned was the original Nintendo Game Boy.  In fact, I still own it, it still works, and I still bust it now and again to play some classic games.  The games released for the Game Boy weren't always great, though, and a few were downright bad...but a few seemed terrible until you unlocked the secrets simmering just under the surface.

A brilliant example of that last one is World Cup.  It's not a good game, by any means, but man is it fun.

How can a game that isn't good be fun?  Because once you stop worrying about winning, you realize it's possible to murder the other team.

Seriously.

Well, okay, maybe not murder.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

First off, let's discuss the graphics.  Those of you who are young and don't remember the old days of video games, let me introduce you to the amazingly dynamic graphics my generation got to grow up with.

Those were the days.

The theme of the game was simple.  "Get more points than the other team."  That's all there is to it.   You have a variety of playing fields to play on, from basic grass, a rocky field (if you step on a rock you'll fall down), sand (passes don't roll very far) or ice (smack someone and they might slide off the field!)  However, the computer AI was much better at blocking than your team, and trying to figure out how to order your teammates to pass the ball quickly, odds are your shots would never get into the opponent's net.
What's that?  Oh, right, you only got to control one character in the game, and if you weren't where the ball was, you had to rely on that little screen at the bottom center to show your location on the court and had to hurry down to catch up.

I tended to play as Germany, but only because my knowledge of soccer was really lacking.  I knew Germany loved soccer, and Sweden wasn't an option.

After numerous plays through that ended either in ties or with my team getting decimated, I discovered something by accident.  In the back of the rule booklet, it talks about the types of "power shots" you can make: super kicks and high power kicks.  Super kicks are simply more powerful short-range kicks that you can use to blow the ball past the goalie and get points.  They're pretty nice, but they're not where the fun comes in.

The fun comes from high power kicks, which you can trigger by taking a specific number of steps.  A regular tactic for me in any game I played was to let the opponent start with the ball, run forward and tackle their lead character, take the number of steps I memorized, and launch a high power kick that would simply destroy the goalie from halfway across the field.

I also would regularly tackle enemy players who didn't have the ball, trusting the rest of my team to swarm the one guy who had the ball and keep him from scoring.  Why would I do this?  Well, first of all, the expression on the opponent's face when you trip or tackle them is pretty hilarious.  The second was that if you smacked the other team around enough, eventually they stopped getting back up.

It wouldn't be uncommon for me to be just a short time into the first ...man, I don't even remember.  Half? Quarter? Period?  Whatever.  It'd be a short time in and I'd have my guy running back and forth along the field with the ball, the entire opposing team lying on the ground like I had killed them.  I simply had to walk up to the goalie and kick the ball with him about to hit me to knock the ball and him through the net.

The best part?  After the whistle blew and the next ... round? Inning?  ...anyway, when the next one started, all you had to do was blow on the other team and they'd crumple like paper, unable to get back up.

That was how I started to win games, and that's how I expect the game was supposed to be played.  My problem this whole time was I knew nothing about the sport and how you're supposed to kick, punch, and fight your way to each point.

Any time I need a quick little stress relief, I'll toss World Cup into my Game Boy and tear through a few international teams with my German forces like Jason Voorhees tears through horny teenage campers.

It's not the best Game Boy game, it's not the best graphics, it's not even a sport I get that excited about (though that's changing, I'm following soccer more than I am football or basketball these days, but then I tend to follow curling and the National Scrabble Championships more than I do football and basketball), but for a pure release of blood lust and cruelty after a hard day, I'd take this over any modern game filled with blood graphics or "mature" content.

Now if only I could get them to update this game so I could play as the New Zealand All Blacks and pull off a truly epic Māori haka (war dance, for you non-Māori out there).

Cause when I ruled the field, this is how I felt.

Aw yeah.