Thursday, October 16, 2014

Oneechanbara: The Movie Vortex

So, it's day four of "Asian Women Wearing Inappropriate Clothing For Facing The Undead" week, and I've been saving some of the worst for last because I've heard terrible things about them.I don't have much hope for a movie that feels the need to show a trailer for the film I'm about to watch right before the movie itself.  Or one that feels the need to show a trailer for Psycho Gothic Lolita.

Now, I never played the video game Oneechanbara, so I'm going into this blind.  I'm going to sit back now and watch this and then do my review.

Let the film begin.

Oh, and just to try something new, I'm going to be documenting my reactions as the movie plays.

00:00:26 - Any time a group of people are referred to in a film as "the organization" my interest immediately starts to dip.

00:01:30 - Sleazy music and one of the main characters showering.  This movie doesn't waste time.

00:02:51 - Okay, so these are zombies that are able to dodge schoolgirls swinging swords and jump around.  That makes sen- no, wait, it doesn't.

00:08:12 - Seriously, new character?  Your name is "Misery?"  That's the worst name anybody could ever name their kid.  Also, what the heck is the "cursed blood of Imichi?"

00:15:00 - Why is Bayonetta in this movie?  And where's her hair?

00:17:00 - "Elite Intelligent Zombie Force."  I don't- what?

00:18:30 - Seriously, what the heck is Imichi blood?

00:22:00 - Wait, Misery was Himiko?  I don't- what- but they were attacking a kid and- I have no idea what's going on.

00:22:30 - Okay, I may have no idea what's going on in the story, but I do know that blowing whistles around zombies is a pretty stupid idea.

00:24:30 - Who the heck are THESE people?

00:26:00 - Okay, so the younger sister is now the bad guy?

00:28:00 - Gee, a character named "Misery" turned out to be evil.  And a jerk.  What a shock.

00:32:00 - I'm just barely more than a half hour in and I already feel like I've seen more walking than the Lord of the Rings movies.

00:34:00 - Seriously, what the heck is Imichi blood?

00:35:07 - Hooray!  Someone else just asked what Imichi blood is!  I'm going to get an answer!

00:36:05 - "Cursed blood."  Something something "get any blood on me, I become uncontrollable."  This might mean something if it weren't for the fact that zombies pop like overfilled blood balloons and bad CG-blood sprays like a sprinkler everywhere any time this character pokes one with a sharp object.  And she's running around wearing a bikini and a cowboy hat.  So far, I'm yet to see her be "uncontrollable."  In fact, I saw her get blood on her at the beginning of the movie!  Nothing happened!  This makes no sense!

00:40:00 -You'd think arriving at a place marked on a map would lead to some kind of big conflict or drama, but nope.  More walking.

00:42:00 - "What's going on?  It feels like my blood is boiling?" JUST EXPLAINED HOW CURSED BLOOD WORKS.  POORLY.  BUT STILL.

00:45:00 - I am so lost.  I'm going to look up the plot online while they resolve this (somehow boring) fight scene.

00:46:00 - Well, that sure didn't help.

00:52:50 - "Huh.  Throwing one of my swords at that zombie did nothing but arm him with my sword.  I know, I'll throw my only other sword at the other zombie who's just like the first zombie!  This won't end poorl- aw, poop."

00:59:00 - Wow.  A zombie dance club/mosh pit.  It's like if they took the scene from the start of Blade and made it a) boring, and b) stupid.

01:02:00 - Holy crap, it's like Frank Miller took over directing duties.

01:10:00 - You know, just telling someone "you're now the bad guys" doesn't automatically make them the bad guys.  That's FOX News logic.

01:12:00 - Zombie Stripper Apocalypse wasn't this obvious with the wire-work, and you could see the wires in that.

01:18:00 - Oh man, her power level is over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAND!

01:19:00 - WHAT?  NINE THOUSAND?

01:21:30 - Okay, so the bad guy is dead and... I still have no idea what the hell is going on.  Hold on, there's still about ten, maybe fifteen minutes left of the movie.  Maybe there's another huge fight comin- oh, wait, no, the credits just started.

Okay, here's my review:

Someone made a movie featuring a young Japanese woman running around in a bikini killing zombies and almost put me to sleep.  The story is nonsensical, the acting couldn't be more wooden if the entire film was popsicle sticks with googly eyes glued on them, and the special effects actually made the movie unwatchable at certain points.

Here's a hint, filmmakers, flashing lights and suddenly turning the camera upside down for a fight scene helps nothing.

This movie somehow manages to be worse than Zombie Stripper Apocalypse, because at least I had the slightest idea what was happening in that movie.  Book summons zombies, character turns evil, other character defeats her and ends zombie threat.

This...I went back and rewatched scenes to see if I missed something, and I still honestly couldn't tell you what "Imichi blood" is, why a character had to sacrifice himself to save everybody, or how a little girl could throw a samurai sword with the force of it being fired out of a rifle.  A really huge rifle, granted, but still.

The only way this could get any worse would be if-

OneChanbara (お姉チャンバラ Onee Chanbara?) is a 2008 film written and directed by Yôhei Fukuda. The film is based around theOneeChanbara video game series. It had a full theatrical release in Japan and it was shown in New York at the Asian Film Festival on June 20 and June 25, 2008, under the title of Chanbara Beauty. A straight-to-DVD film entitled お姉チャンバラ THE MOVIE vortex (or OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers in North America) was released in 2009.


A straight-to-DVD film entitled お姉チャンバラ THE MOVIE vortex (or OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers in North America) was released in 2009.


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That's it, I'm going to bed.  It's an awful movie, it gets a half star for eye candy but even THAT was boring.

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