Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Let's Talk: Arms

I don't know if this happens to anybody else out there in the world, but it's something that bothers me on a regular basis.  In a way, it's rather interesting that in order to function in the world I'm able to put major issues facing the world (global warming, the Islamic State, the steady sinking of Venice) into a secondary position in my head, while pushing others (anything related to the Kardashians) into the same level of priority in my life as "what's going on in the middle of Death Valley?"  (Answer: Who cares?)

However, this recurring issue is one that I face daily, and while it should be a simple matter that biology and evolution would likely solve within the first five years of the first human-like creature to wander the planet, it still affects me greatly.

What am I supposed to do with my arms while I sleep?

The other night I was lying in bed, braced against the cold attempting to sneak in through tiny gaps in my windows, when I realized I had my arms to my side, elbows bent, with my hands up near my chin, holding the edge of my blanket like someone trying to do their best "hiding the fact that I'm wearing real clothes under these sheets for when the boring ol' grown-ups go to bed so I can sneak out and party" pose.  I started to get extremely self-conscious about my hands.  Would my fingers stay closed, gripping the blanket all night?  Should my elbows be out a bit from my body?  What if I just slid my arms under the blankets?  Should they be by my side, or out a bit for optimal blanket coverage over a wider surface area?

This is the sort of thing I think about all the time when I'm attempting to sleep.  It's a matter that keeps me up more than any war, disease outbreak, or natural disaster has managed to, which might seem like a heartless and cruel thing to say, except they're my arms!  They're always there!

What if I roll onto my side?  Will I be rolling onto my arm?  Will it fall asleep?  Will that have some lasting damage to my hand if blood flow can't circulate smoothly?  Should I slide it under my pillow and simply immobilize it with my head?  If so, what about my other arm?  I can't just put it under the pillow as well, it would look like I'm being smug with my hands behind my head while I sleep.

Seriously, it'd be like this except way higher on the jerk scale.
I could just let them flop free during the night, but who knows what kind of trouble they'd get into?  One might twist slightly and be sore the following day.  I could roll over and have the arm fly out and smack into something like my bed frame or my alarm clock, knocking it down and breaking it (this is more likely to happen to the alarm clock than the bed frame).  Could I wrap them slightly in sheets so they're immobilized?  Or should I save that for more extreme examples, like if my arm turns evil and needs to be destroyed before it kills Jessica Alba?

If that reference doesn't work for you, how about this one?

I've heard rumors that there are beds with slots in the mattresses, for people to stick their arms into so they can simply be lying completely on their side without interrupting blood flow or risk twisting their arm behind their back.  I'm yet to see any with sleeves for people to stick their arms into outside of one really weird movie about a mental hospital that apparently couldn't afford comfy cuffs for the patient's wrists.

Am I really the only person who lies in bed at night trying to remember "how do arms work again?  How do they go?"

Maybe it is just me.  Lord knows I over-think things sometimes, but you'd think this would be something everybody (with arms) needs to deal with.

And don't get me started on what direction feet should be pointed.

1 comment:

Mr. Blue said...

Nice to see you're okay.