This is just a random blog where I talk about things that interest me. Movies, TV, books, comics, board games, cooking, and other random events will all be discussed here.
Caution: Almost none of the pictures I post are owned by me, and are the property of the original creators.
A topic I'vetouchedonbefore are some of the more bizarre and awesome video game cartridge covers through history. I was inspired to do this by oh video games, but the project has since taken a life of its own.
So, I hereby present ten more video game covers that either boggled my mind growing up or make me look back now and wonder how this ever became a billion dollar industry.
It's been a while since we've looked in on our good friends at Oh Videogames, so I thought I'd dredge up some classics from the depth and see what we can get nostalgic about.
I love browsing through the tumblr blog (is that the right term?) Oh, Videogames. It is a treasure trove of forgotten memories and things I never knew existed. It's also a constant reminder that for every Bioshock Infinite, Shadow of the Colossus, or Ducktales, there's some absolute garbage there to balance it out.
So there's this great website out there on tumblr called "oh videogames." I'm not really sure if there's an actual theme to it, but every now and again I love to look back and recognize games I used to play, games I missed out on playing, and games I never heard of.
Then I marvel at how absolutely ridiculous the artwork for the game boxes was.
Now, I've already done two installments of this here and here, but it's been a while, so I thought I'd present ten more "classic" images from "classic" video games.
As stated before, I love the website oh video games. It's one of the first things I've encountered during my dabbles with tumblr, and if everything else holds up to this quality of nostalgia and entertainment (spoiler alert: it won't) I look forward to seeing more!
So let's look back at 10 more things from video games I recall better than what I had for breakfast yesterday.
First, an ad, but I remember this game.
Okay, this one needs some back story. See, in Japan they had this game about a cyborg cop who went around killing parasite-like creatures. However, in America, they thought "hey, you know what's popular? Street Fighter II is popular. So why don't we take Ken and have him turn into a super cop in the year 2010 and have to fight monsters across dimensions?" Because that's precisely what I thought the logical step from that original game was, and the fact that "Blanka, P.I." doesn't yet exist is just one more thing that makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning.
That is not an egg. That is a shaven, solitary part of a male genitalia trying to "drop" down a level, but worried about smacking itself against a bar like so many young men dread. Meanwhile, it is being chased by what I can only assume is some horrible vagina dentata with pipe cleaner legs.
Okay, first off, that is one well-drawn woman for a game cartridge for those days. Moving on, there are two important things to note:
1) This is not all related to Marvel Comics, though that face he has is obviously some kind of mutant power. It ranks him right up there with Beak for "man, God sure hated you, huh?"
2) There seems to be a recurring theme, along with Chuckie Egg II about things with teeth or other sharp implements trying to destroy a man's genitals. Maybe there's a continuity between these games, the touching story of a man's genitalia attempting to complete the transition from boyhood to manhood as puberty strikes, followed by the foolish younger days when tight shorts and cut-off shirts were cool (also called the 80s). You'd try to sleep with any woman who seemed to know how to unclasp their own bra with only one hand as you tried to complete that passage to being a man. But surely this doesn't follow the standard Hollywood "trilogy" formula, right?
Holy crap, it's the same guy, just all grown up and in his gritty "90s" phase. There are two things about this picture I love. One is that he figured the best way to accessorize his pig-nosed appearance was with blue lipstick and tiny red sunglasses. The other is that, wherever this world is that these characters exist in, what the woman is wearing is considered formal attire, as evidenced by the fancy long gloves.
Let's move on to something less perverse.
There are often times people who buy video games are disappointed by what the contents actually are. For instance, I just learned recently that the game Dead Island, though the box clearly states "2-4 co-op" without requiring the use of playing online, doesn't let you have your friends join you for killing zombies.
This game, however, I don't think anybody could really complain about. What is it? It's a cartridge. A cartridge for the game "Ghost House." It says so right on the cartridge. The only thing that you might complain about is the fact there's no house, or that it isn't an actual sized image.
I look at this game, and I see thought balloons, dot patterns in the background, and simple-colored artwork of people who seem to be in conflict. I can only hope- no, I can only pray that this game takes place in the same world as the classic "young romance" series of comic books.
If there was actually a game called "M.A.D. Games" (complete with backward "e") that had games based on the titles of old classic comic romance stories, I'd own it just to show people how insane things could be. Who wouldn't want to play games called "The Man I Kept On A String," "The Savage In Her," "My Mother, My Rival," or "Back Door Love?" ...okay, maybe not that last one. ...yeah, let's just move on. This column has taken a disturbing turn.
Anybody who played the music video games of the 90s knows just how bad they are, but for those who don't, I can only implore you to look at the expression on that young man's face. That would be my face if I died, went to Hell, and was told my punishment was to play those games for the rest of eternity, never stopping. Also, an important note, on the back left, I don't remember C&C Music Factory consisting of Carlton Banks and DJ Jazzy Jeff.
... I'm really not sure what to make of this. I assume that the cyclops (they have horns? Help me out, mythology geeks) and the dragon are erupting from separate arcade machines, but how many arcade machines had joysticks attached to them? Plus, how are you supposed to buy this game in a shop? "Yes, I'd like one copy of AAARGH!" "Are you okay?" "What?" "Huh?"
My guess is that whoever was in charge of designing the game couldn't think of a proper title, so he just scribbled down his frustration on a piece of paper and sent it up to management to let them know he was having trouble. One thing led to another, and "ta-da."
I'm going completely off the box art on this one, as I have no memory of this game. So my assumption is that the spaceships are the heroes, tasked with destroying two women of the future whose hairstyles aren't actually hairstyles. Instead, they have both become possessed and are hosts for eldrich Lovecraftian horrors, constantly twisting and straining against the the confines of both the boundaries of our universe and the strong hold of L.A. Looks hair gel.
Okay, let's end with a commercial from the site. It's time for an awesome rap!
I'll admit, I remember that game fondly. But it's only the second best musical commercial ever made involving a Zelda game. The first, obviously, is this:
I love me some video games. I've loved video games since I was little, and my family bought an Atari 2600 and I got to play Othello or Space Invaders. I loved the Apple ][ my family had that let me play Zork and Wishbringer. I loved my original Game Boy (and still have it!), my Genesis, and every game system that came after. I loved visiting my friends to play on their NES and Super Nintendo, I loved visiting the house of a babysitter because she had Rampage, and it was the only place I could get away with being a giant lizard, kicking over buildings, and eating people.
But even I have to admit, the box art for games has been a) the biggest selling point during the days without reliable reviews in magazines or the internet, and b) laughably terrible. Here's ten examples of game art from one of my new favorite websites, oh videogames.
The late 80s and early 90s were the best times for Dudes. There were the Bad Dudes, Two Crude Dudes, the tv series Hey, Dude!
And of course, Jon Cryer's 1988 opus Dudes.
On an unrelated note, the guy on the right makes me think we've found the origin of the Annoying Orange.
Now, I'm not a scientist. But if you're trying to kill a giant shark (with a sweet airbrushed van portrait of a woman in its mouth, I guess), is a flame thrower really the best way to go about it?
How did this pitch go? "See, he'll be like Captain N, only he'll have a "V" after the "N" on his jacket, and instead of a controller belt and gun, he'll have the Hobbit's sword "Sting." And he'll fight one of the Lost Vikings, a mummy blow-up doll, and an evil Yoda."
I've never been there, but I don't remember reading about when a sleeveless ninja and Brock Lesner were added to Mount Rushmore. Or maybe this "fighter" on the (not visible) "street", a "street fighter," if you will, was so intense that he required the stone, impassive faces of four former presidents to watch to make sure everything was on the up and up.
Oh, and apparently George Washington wore a cravat. Way to rock the style, G-Wash.
Look around you. Look around you. Just look around you. Have you worked out what we're looking for? Correct, the answer is... maths.
This game is a filthy lie. How could it possibly hope to be the most radical race on wheels, when clearly everybody knows that honor belongs to the movie Airborne (with Seth Green and Jack Black!) For your homework, I expect a two hundred word essay on the virtues of this 90s classic.
I hate these sequels/prequels where you learn that, before being one of the greatest private eyes of all time, James Garner's character was a miner addicted to video games. "Just one more, then I'll escape this cave-in. Just one more."
I'm not sure what bothers me more about this game cartridge cover. The fact that the monkey is plainly carrying around the skinned corpse of a banana when it's established in the same image that fruit is alive and sentient, capable of love, frustration, and a desire to win...
Or the fact that only the pineapple seems to realize he's in a game called "Spanky's" spotlighting a monkey.
This might be one of my favorite covers of all time, if only because a) Max Headroom, b) the world's most awesome t-shirt, c) the guy's in a game called "stealth" wearing a suit so bright it practically glows, and d) spies in cornfields. I'm not even sure if he's opening his coat because that's a full-body tattoo that allows him to do the world's greatest Care Bear Stare. But I want to know.
What could possibly be more awesome?
...well, that answers that question. If this picture could play an electric guitar riff, I'm pretty sure that we've found the ultimate piece of art. I mean, I'd ask if this was a game about killing panthers as a motorcycle ninja or if it's just something you have to deal with on a regular basis, like oil changes or renewing your license at the DMV.
If anybody can ever buy this for me as a poster, I swear to god I'll hang it on my wall.
