Yet Ten More "Classic" Video Game Covers

So there's this great website out there on tumblr called "oh videogames."  I'm not really sure if there's an actual theme to it, but every now and again I love to look back and recognize games I used to play, games I missed out on playing, and games I never heard of.

Then I marvel at how absolutely ridiculous the artwork for the game boxes was.

Now, I've already done two installments of this here and here, but it's been a while, so I thought I'd present ten more "classic" images from "classic" video games.

Now, some of you young people out there might not remember the days when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were not just popular, but they were the single biggest money-making force the planet had ever seen.  By the time Full House was coming to an end, it was pretty much the "Mary-Kate Or Ashley Show" since the scenes all seemed desperate to have one of the twins in the shot at any moment (including a freaky amnesia episode where the two met each other, but that's a story for another time).  This expanded to books, movies, dolls, clothing lines...

And sure enough, they had their own video games.  I never played this one, because I was too busy riding motorcycles and punching mountains and other manly deeds, so I don't even really know what it's about, but the fact that apparently the two girls share a hive mind like the two girls in The Shining when it comes to their fixation over a boy is quite possibly one of the more terrifying things I've seen in pop culture.

I mean, does anybody else see a resemblance?

...man, that's spooky.  Okay, what's next?

I had never heard of this game up until I looked at this tumblr, which blows my mind.  I'm pretty sure that if I had known about this game when it came out, I would currently own twenty copies.  Let me summarize it for you with the following bullet points:

1. You play as a sorceress from Peru named Annet who channels "El Viento" (the wind) and flings boomerangs at her enemies.  She also learns spells like casting fire and ice to help her defeat her enemies, including...
2. The Hastur Group, a cult worshipping the H.P. Lovecraft-created monster who would destroy all civilization if he was summoned to Earth the same way oceans tend to remove all traces of sand castles.  They're going to attempt to use the newly-built Empire State Building to perform their sacrificial rituals, protected by...
3. The New York Mob, headed by Vincente Demarco, the underworld's deadliest kingpin.

 That is the greatest game pitch ever.  At the rate video game companies are trying to bring back forgotten icons, we need THIS one to make a dramatic resurgence (heck, I'll even take the Indiana Jones ripoff she was supposed to be a sidekick to originally).

Get on this, someone.  We need the return of El Viento.

What we do not need more of is anything in this image.  Apes looking like they just got away with the sneakiest fart in the back seat of a car, computer game companies called "Blaby," or vibrant purple backgrounds.  There is nothing about this game that seems like it would be even remotely fun.

Not even 48 thousand spectrums.  That just seems like too many spectrums.

Let me break down how heat transfer works.  Let's pretend you have two ice cream cones.  You leave one out in the sun on an 80 degree day, the other you hold next to an open window in a moving car where it's only 65 degrees.  Do you know which cone will melt first?  Right, the lower temperature one, otherwise this isn't a very interesting question.

See, not only is the wind transferring kinetic energy which the ice cream would turn into heat, but it's also constantly pushing away air that gets chilled by the ice cream cone, allowing new "room temperature" air to take its place, allowing for more heat to transfer into the cone since the universe likes things to be the same temperature everywhere it can make it happen.

Now look at this image again.  We have a sentient ice cream cone who knows that the faster it runs, the faster it dies.  Just look at that expression, it just screams "help me, please help me, my purpose in life is to feel pain."  The hot dog couldn't care less about its suffering, and the pizza seems to be taking a twisted delight at the whole thing.

And that, kids, is what a game about the Bible should obviously be teaching you. 

Speaking of people whose lives are pain, I just want everybody to look at Barney's face there.  I don't know if it's just poor perspective or if somehow there's a giant seal there looking extremely bored at a clown jumping through a hovering ring of fire, but this is a world where there is no joy anymore.  There is simply pain, suffering, and ennui.  This is a circus for the damned, where all they can do is wait for more suffering to commence.

 

...if that's the best picture anybody could think of for a game about small high-speed cars that skid around dirt tracks, then someone needs to look at any other video game ever made to figure out how to either make mundane things exciting or lie about what's in your game.

I mean, look at this other game cover:

This one doesn't count as one of the ten, it's just for reference.

This game is one of the biggest video game lies of all time.  You know why?  Because there was never an Air Raid 2.  Heck, there was barely even an Air Raid, and it was for the Atari back in the 80s!  C'mon, Super Sprint!  If these guys can make up an entire trilogy to sell a game, you could at least have your car shooting lasers or fighting a giant centipede while surrounded by various national monuments, or something.

Or you could just put in scantily dressed women.  The only real reason I bring this game up (besides to point out that someone got paid to paint the curve of the rear of the woman on the left, and he must've been so happy to collect that paycheck) is that I looked up what sharks are black and white with stripes.  I can only really find one, called the "striped bamboo shark" and it's a pretty dainty little shark.  Not the best mascot, unless it really is supposed to be to scale with that crab claw.

In a dark future, there is only reddish blueish skies and constantly setting suns.  One 80s aerobic instructor is the only hope for this world and its tiny, perhaps forced perspective mountain ranges.  With her headband of power, emerald green leggings of speed, her bizarre coiled armband and a sword she apparently doesn't know how to hold, she will either work with or fight against a giant albino lion (the prophecy gets rather vague here) to save everything.

 This is a game where a guy riding an inner tube, holding what's presumably a beer while "bros and chicks" cheer him on is about to plow his tube into a sharp rock and probably also smack his groin into either a fish or a solid slab of pain.

And it couldn't happen to a better guy.

Man, the Ghost Lion cover is pretty great (and would make for another great poster), but there has to be one more truly epic game cover somewhere.

 

 There we go!

Man, everything about this cover just screams "awesome."  You have a martial arts guy complete with Rambo headband and what appears to be spiked bracelets he stole from Chun-Li  jump-kicking a mummy in the face.  You have an evil, faceless version of The Iron Giant emerging behind him, while what I can only assume is a duke of Hell rides the most wicket surf in the background.  I don't know what this guy is a renegade from, but if they can send these three forces to try to take him down, I know I'd be absolutely terrified to face them or him.  Look at his face, he's not even bothered by what's going on.  "Oh, look, another mummy.  Eat toes, mummy.  Yawn."

Plus, glance near the bottom.  Note the runic writing around the frame of the inner picture, and what appears to be a crude wall painting of death itself in the bottom right corner.

Seriously, I need to get some of these games as wall art, because they are the greatest images ever created.