Ask Erik: Episode Seventeen

Here at Ask Erik, we've spent a lot of time reading books and comics, watching movies, and browsing through the Internet in the hopes of finding the answers to life's biggest mysteries.  Is there truly a zen message throughout The Big Lebowski?  How will technology change the very way we get our food?  Why do people drink coffee?  That stuff tastes terrible.

Having instead amassed a vault of useless knowledge stored in his head, Erik instead tackles your questions and tries to find the answers you care about (or a reasonable facsimile).  Or, if you don't care, he'll at least try to make you laugh and forget you just wasted time you could spend doing anything else.



To Erik: If the main characters from The Big Bang Theory turned evil, would they be successful super villains?  Who could stop them?

You know, when I say "ask me anything" I should really be prepared for stuff like this.

Well, I suppose the key to answering this question is to figure out what kind of super villain each member of the primary cast (I'm leaving out characters like Bernadette, Amy, the guy who runs the comic book shop, and such because they're mostly secondary characters still), and I guess the best way to do that is compare them to established super villains.  After all, if we've seen anything, it's that the characters on the show love to model themselves off of established people.

So with that in mind, let's go down the list.

First, there's Howard.

Howard Wolowitz is an inventive engineer who has been to space, has designed numerous advanced robots and similarly advanced projects for different agencies, and for a long time his attitude towards women seemed to represent some of the worst behavior I've seen from nerds, though I suspect a lot of it comes from his mother issues.  He also takes resentment at the fact that while his friends are all "doctors" in their respective fields, he still gets referred to as simply "Mister."

If he was to turn evil and utilize that engineering genius for his own means, I suspect he'd give himself the title of "Doctor" and become the new Doctor Octopus.

I mean, c'mon, he already has the hair for it, sort-of.

But what hero would be his true bane?  The one person who, despite his genius, would be able to exploit not only his physical frailty but also his emotional issues surrounding attractive women and his (extremely) overweight mother?  Why, how about a woman who's both?

Supermodel Ashley Crawford has the (extremely) unique superpower of being able to simply add massive weight to her body and shape her body fat through sheer force of will, becoming the superhero "Big Bertha."  While a bit of a joke character in the Marvel Universe, I think that against Howard Wolowitz she'd find a great arch-nemesis, and one that he would not be able to fully handle fighting against since one moment she's (supposedly) one of the most gorgeous models in the Marvel Universe, and the next she's heavy enough that her mother might look petite.

Next up, we have Raj.

Raj is a brilliant astrophysicist (specializing in particle astrophysics) who sometimes pushes the limits of what it means to be "metrosexual."  He has a crippling inability to speak around women unless he has an alcoholic beverage (or thinks he's having one), suffers from a somewhat low self-image since he can't go on regular dates (though a recent storyline seems to be changing that) and has, multiple times, commented about all the mental issues he has going on.  He also feels extreme pressure from his ridiculously wealthy parents back in India to live life how they want him to live it.

So, if he became a super villain, we'd probably have to reach into Batman's villainous cadre to find someone with as many issues as Raj.  Now, using his genius, he might want to figure out a way to get around his own problems (unless he became overwhelmed by them), and that would mean either a chemical treatment (known to not work well on him), therapy (which defeats the purpose of being a villain), or some alternate medicine source...like, say, hypnotism.

I could easily see Raj becoming the newest Mad Hatter, fixating on various women he sees and doing his best to manipulate their minds into loving him.  He'd use his own mind-control technology to control his own mental difficulties, but as soon as that hat (his "drink" if you will) comes off, he falls apart.


Now, who would fight Raj?  Well, we couldn't just use the "can't talk to women" excuse to throw another female character into the mix, because he wouldn't need to talk to the hero while trying to kill them.  We also don't want to pry too much into his vulnerabilities from how women have treated him since his whole goal might be to mind control said (undoubtedly) gorgeous super-heroine.  What we can exploit, though, is his metrosexuality, though, since he's shown a rather extreme urge to not take part in physical tasks due to having a manicure or an expensive outfit.

So what we need is someone who fights, well, dirty.  Someone willing to get into a scrap, someone who can fight dirty, someone who's used to being a bit more...savage?

I present Ka-Zar, self-proclaimed warrior of the Savage Land (that place in comic books where dinosaurs live), who is the perfect counterpoint to Raj in many ways.  One was born the son to a wealthy doctor in India, one was born the son of an English nobleman.  One went to America to get away from his heritage and embrace a new way of life, while the other's family was killed in a land of savages, leading him to grow, learn, and become the "lord" of the hidden world he lived in.  One has a tiny dog for a pet.  The other has a sabre-tooth tiger.

Oh yeah, and one can't talk to women, the other one's married to a woman who makes Playboy models look like Roseanne.

...and yet, somehow Ka-Zar's the hero.  Go figure.

Next up, we have Leonard.

Leonard, another genius (of course) seems that, of most of the cast, he'd be the most capable super villain due to his ability to actually react as the straight man to many of the other cast members eccentricities.  He deals with Sheldon, Raj, and Howard on a regular basis, but also manages to (sometimes) maintain a relationship with Penny.  Despite a rough childhood, he's become a capable, self-sufficient man who cares about his friends and function in society, but still has those nerdy flavors that make him just enough of a misfit to not quite belong.

So, we need a super villain who's smart, but not out of control with mad science.  He would need to be calculating, but have that slight resentment for the types who used to bully him when he was younger.  So, that makes him perfect for...

The Leader is a Hulk villain whose exposure to gamma rays made his mind to intelligence what the Hulk is to muscle.  He can be an extremely effective villain, capable of masterful manipulation behind the scenes, but not as great in direct conflict against other characters.

But, unfortunately, there's an enemy of the Leader (and sometimes the Hulk) who would make a much more effective hero to fight him than he's currently used.  See, Leonard has one major issue, and that's his mother.  He connects many of his issues growing up to his mother, an accomplished psychiatrist and neuroscientist.  So, what happens when you take an accomplished psychiatrist and neuroscientist and give him a muscular body and super strength for punching?

You get Doc Samson, is what you get.

So, next we have Sheldon, and this one's going to be difficult, even if because, in some ways, Sheldon already is a super villain.  He's the most intelligent of the group when it comes to raw mental computing ability, but his inability to think outside of rules and with outside influences that aren't measurable (say, human action) give him a striking weakness.  He's "demonstrated" super speed at one point during the show, but is frequently needing to be driven everywhere due to a lack of athletic ability.  He's also tried to kill people with mind bullets with mental powers, but so far that hasn't worked.

But the key trait we need to look at is the fact that not only does Sheldon have difficulty with things such as sarcasm, emotions, other "human" traits, plus he's already expressed interest in having a robot body...

Brainiac, the living machine who regularly battles Superman, fits him perfectly.  However, I don't think I can use Superman here, because Sheldon would simply prepare for him everywhere at all times.  What we need is a wild card factor, someone who reacts quickly, adapts to situations, and would be able to completely stump Sheldon's logic-oriented brain.

How do you fight a guy who uses logic to figure out a solution to every single possible problem?  With a time traveling speedster teenager who acts faster than he thinks yet somehow manages to have things work out in his favor.  Named "Impulse" by Batman, of all people ("It was meant to be a warning.")  Bart Allen has speed, the ability to phase through objects, a photographic memory, and the attention span of a hummingbird that was force-fed Red Bull.  Heck, even the Joker admitted, "If I wasn't already, I think this kid would drive me insane."

So that's our main four...that only leaves one character left.  And honestly, this one's the hardest to manage.

Penny is, quite simply put, the most capable of all the cast members.  She might not be the smartest (okay, she's definitely not the smartest), but she has, as she puts it, "street smarts."  She has survival skills (hunting and fishing), can win fights, fire guns, and all with a body that melts the minds of men, and is a skilled actress.  Her only real weakness, besides the self-esteem issues that sometimes rise when she doesn't feel smart enough to be around her friends, is that she's, well...she's actually rather lazy.  She's not a very good driver.  She can be a bit self-centered.

I was going to give her Emma Frost as her counterpart, except Emma came from wealth, something Penny never had (or likely ever will, with her spending habits).  I debated the Enchantress, but again, there's that whole Asgardian nobility thing, something she just doesn't have.

So, where am I going to find a female super villain who's attractive enough to boss around weak-willed men, athletic, street smart but not too bright, and not always motivated...

There's my girl!  Let's get a better picture going here.

The Joker's ex-beau Harley Quinn has a weakness for "bad boys," faked her way through graduating college with a degree in psychology (a few professors reaped the benefit of that relationship), can be a bit of a dim bulb when she isn't trying very hard, but is also athletic, street smart, and more than capable of not only building her own gang, but ordering it around capably (until Batman ruins everything).  Penny's own self-admitted petty criminal past and lack of ambition to take over the world makes her perfect for this role.

So, what kind of hero would we need to tackle such a threat?  Well, we need someone who's mentally able to outsmart her, but also able to take part in that kind of "bad girl/good guy" relationship she toys with Leonard during several seasons. 

Who else but the original comic book nerd?  Spider-Man operates at that same street level (when he isn't palling around with the Avengers), has a history of criminal-minded love interests, and would be able to not only keep up with her physically (and handle the goons with ease), but would also be able to outsmart any plans she makes and would also constantly try to find a way to redeem her, even if he realizes that any affection she might send his way is probably just her manipulating him.

...you know, on the other hand, I could go with a slightly-retconned Emma Frost who had to grow up on the streets before assuming power in the Hellfire Club.

...at which point, yeah, I think we'd have an extremely capable super villain on our hands.  With her seizing control of the other four villains mentioned above...I could see some major cities falling to their control.