Hostess Twinkie Ads Part One

Everybody knows the standard superhero powers.  You have your strength, your flight, your invulnerability, your ability to shoot lasers from your face, your ability to be a billionaire and afford a whole bunch of neat gadgets in a cave under your house...

But the most powerful superhero ability of all is the ability to summon forth Hostess products.  No super villain can resist them.

You doubt me?  Let's take a look at some classic ads.

There's so much to love about this ad.  There's the fact that Nitro's plan is essentially "blow up the ocean."  He doesn't even clarify which ocean, just "the" ocean.  There's the fact that Nitro's actually the super villain responsible for giving Captain Marvel the cancer that later killed him.  There's the fact that Captain Marvel tries to guess Nitro's plan, and when he's told he's wrong he just brushes it off like it's nothing.There's the fact that Nitro looks like some ghastly horror from a classic E.C. comic from a long time ago.

Holy cow, Nitro is the Crypt Keeper!

"I'll set up my own satellite empire!  All the TV stations will have to come to me for the weather forecast!"  

You know, as far as evil genius plans go, I've seen dumber ideas.  I've also seen better ideas, too.  I wonder if she's taken Weather Wizard into account.

But that fifth panel is the one that gets me.  Superman looks like he's ready to crack their heads together like coconuts like some twisted Three Stooges bit.

Oh, and let's look at that last panel.  "Now that I've terminated that program, I can head back to scoop Lois on the story!"  

Man, Superman's kind of a dick.

Yeah, you're not fooling anybody, Spider-Man.  Look at Lisa Skye's face.  She KNOWS you're Peter Parker.  You just vanished for a bit of time without splashing, and then suddenly pull yourself up out of the water like it's nothi-

WHO THE HELL IS LISA SKYE?

I can rattle off most of Spider-Man's girlfriends from memory, and I have no idea who this strange woman who appears to be ready to help Peter out of all his clothes and prefers to be called by her full name.

And was one of those goons bald?   What was it, a group of young street toughs and one of their's uncle who's a bad influence?

But seriously, WHO IS LISA SKYE?

Oh, Hulk, how can you not understand?  A world without access to Hostess products is a world this entire city would simply not choose to live in!  Forget the fact that it's a GIANT GREEN FROG, both a science miracle who blatantly ignores the cube-square law as well as a magical construct by someone called "the Mad Magician (?)."

...honestly, I'm with Hulk.  I don't understand this city at all.

So, it's a guy named "The Borrower" who takes things and leaves IOUs behind with his signature.

That's the dumbest idea ever.

But I love the fact that Wonder Woman felt she had to paint herself like a new victim of Goldfinger to be able to catch him.  I'm sure someone out there has a fetish that involves golden lassos, gold body paint, and a one-piece swimsuit to go with a gorgeous woman.

Also, Wonder Woman totally needs to punch that guy who made the "mummy" pun.  Unless it was the woman whose purse was stolen.  Then Wonder Woman needs to punch her.

One thought occurs to me, though... besides "golden sponge cake" and "creamed filling" what else was The Borrower going to say?  Was he about to make some innuendo-filled comment about Wonder Woman's figure?

...I'm going to come back to panel three.

First off, I love the fact that Captain America just randomly decides to break up a sweat shop, even though nothing really illegal is happening.  It's "unpatriotic," and that's enough cause for him to beat someone up.

Fortunately, it turns out this is a super villain who- no, we'll come back to that.  But the guy gets bonus points for immediately protesting he's a "poor simple tailor" who shouldn't be bothered.

And then we get to panel five, where he threatens to turn Cap into a "fashionable pattern" and "cut along the dotted line."

NOW we get back to panel three.

That woman being turned into a fabric pattern is going to haunt my nightmares for years to come.  The horrified scream coming from the paper, the fact that apparently the tailor has done this before and likely cuts the patterns up later indicating he's not just a monster, but a murderer.

But hey, at least it's not mentally traumatizing or anything, and the woman is able to enjoy a fruit pie after the fact and make an oh-so-sexist joke about how women love to buy dresses.

Oh, Hostess products, is there any wound, physical, mental, or emotional, that you can't heal?