I think it might have been the impromptu success of that movie that caused Devil Seed to change its title from its original name, "The Devil In Me." This movie also came out in 2012, and unlike the former movie mentioned, this one only brought in... well, it cost... huh. I can't find any of the information regarding this movie online. In fact, this movie doesn't even have a Wikipedia page.
Truly we are in for a delight.
The movie starts in Boston in 1972, where a priest is attempting an exorcism on a young woman. Now, I'm not a fully trained priest, but there are a few things I can't help but wonder about. First off, does it work to have a cheap tape playing chants in the background? Second, does the young woman's shirt need to be pulled open? Third, should she be tied down with something better than cheap fabric scraps?
|This priest was sure lucky that garage bin of used rags was handy, or he was going to use a glue stick to hold her arms down.|
The young woman gets free and assaults the priest by banging his head down on the ground a few times then biting him. Someone- you know, I don't know what happens here. Someone else, perhaps, enters the scene? Maybe it's the same guy? Anyway, someone throws the girl back onto the bed and plunges a large wooden stake into her chest.
Again, I don't perform very many exorcisms, and never without someone with a lot more experience around, but have I been endangering myself by not keeping a large sharpened block of wood around to plunge into the poor person's body whose soul I'm attempting to save?
The police, who were apparently waiting just outside the door
Jump to now-ish, where we meet our lead character Alex, played by Michelle Argyris.
You might know her as "Finalist #1" on Scare Tactics, a Dr. Pepper commercial, or that one really bizarre(ly terrible) Biore ad.
Biore. Because being beautiful is "hard."
She's returning home after spending time with her grandmother who, we're told over and over again, "has cancer." She meets up at some kind of station with her best friend, Jessica, played by Shantelle Canzanese. Now, I need to explain something up front. Shantelle is a very attractive young woman. However, between the lighting, the angle they shot her at, the "style" they decided her hair should be, and, well, everything else about this shot, the first time we see her, I thought she was supposed to be a zombie.
Now, I know I know that name from somewhere. I just can't think of where I know her fr-
Oh crap, she voiced the female orc in Two Worlds II.
Jessica is there to drive Alex back to their "new place," a house "a heck of a lot bigger" than the last place they all lived at, and yet somehow the rent is "exactly the same." There, we find the last roommate of these two women, Bree, played by Vanessa Broze. I can't show a picture of her yet, because she's currently naked and having sex with Alex's boyfriend, Brian.
Once they realize that Brian's girlfriend is home after being gone "all summer," he quickly exits out a window, Bree goes downstairs to dismissively welcome her "friend," and Brian gets to show up at the front door without having been called or notified that his girlfriend is home so he can tell her how much he missed her.
|If the movie was any less subtle about making her the "bitch" of the group, the word would be |
spelled out on the fridge next to her head.
"Hey, Alex, yo' granny's so fat that when her doctor said she has a tumor, she replied, "I love eating seconds!" She's so dumb, she thought lymphoma was another word for orchestra! Love you, baby!"
|This guy is a tube of glitter away from being a terrible vampire boyfriend. Yet somehow wussier-looking than Edward.|
Jessica and Alex head home, but Jessica, in her total drunken stupor, decides the two need to visit a nearby psychic for a reading. Inside, Jessica works on trying to be a person more unpleasant than Bree by first loudly announcing their entrance, then drunkenly fondling the psychic's possessions on a nearby table before the owner herself shows up and asks if she can help them.
|Spoiler alert: if "kiss the monkey skeleton statue" is in your contract, you need a new agent.|
Anyway, the two girls sit at the table with the psychic (how convenient that there's two chairs there and that there's no chance a larger group of people would want in), and she starts to read Alex's palm. She figures out pretty quickly that Alex is an Aries and that someone in her life has cancer, and we get what's either some interesting attempts to make things spooky with shadows shifting on walls in the background or someone was adjusting a light in mid-scene. Honestly, I'm not sure which it is.
The psychic claims she can speak to Alex's deceased mother ("Maggie"), and then says she senses someone else out there, too. She tries to summon it so it makes itself known, and Alex has a ... for lack of a better word, "reaction" to the being that gets summoned.
The dramatic impact is lessened when you realized part of the noise she makes sounds like it was sampled from a Wilhelm Scream.
Alex wakes up in bed the next morning still in her dress with no memory of visiting the psychic at all. Jessica, working off a different draft of the script, explains that the psychic was "reading from some cards" (didn't happen) and then everybody started freaking out and then her own memory gets fuzzy. Clearly, this is an important lesson in the perils of over-consumption of alcohol, which is why Jessica declares she wants to get completely trashed again that same night.
So, let's discuss what we know about our characters so far. Alex is boring, Jessica's a drunk, Bree's a terrible person, and Brian's a cheating douche. We know just as much about the grandmother as we do these characters, and she hasn't even appeared on screen yet.
The movie tries to perform some jump scares on us that evening, having a TV turn on and off (with some shadowy figure moving behind the static), which disturbs Alex's attempts to read a Bible in peace, because "the boring good girl" hasn't been underlined enough in this movie.
There's also a noise upstairs that Alex investigates, which might sound creepy if it wasn't for the fact this house undoubtedly needs to settle in evenings. Oh, and there's a window open upstairs. But don't worry, it gets reaaaaalllly spooky when Alex discovers that her Bible has been moved from one table.....TO ANOTHER TABLE.
|To be fair, anybody who decides "black couch" is a good design choice gets what they deserve.|
Next, we get the obligatory shower scene! Alex discovers some strange scratches on her body...and then it's not addressed again before Alex starts attending classes. Apparently demonic possession or something like that manifests in Alex drawing weird symbols on paper without looking at what her hand is doing.
|Thrills! Chills! Doodles!|
Alex passes by a strange little girl in a playground on her way home from school, but again, it doesn't appear to mean anything. Alex asks Jessica if she's heard any weird noises or has had any strange feelings about their new house, but Jessica dismisses all of Alex's concerns. That night we get more weird sounds and doodles in books, this time without Alex even being in the same ROOM as a pen!
The next day leads to the same creepy girl, except this time the girl delivers Bree a warning of "he's coming for you" before mysteriously vanishing. Brian suddenly shows up, and when Alex tries to confide in him about all the weird stuff happening to her, he's quick to dismiss it. Because clearly, if she's looking at a book in the privacy of her own room one moment, steps outside her room to check out a weird sound, and then comes back to find the book filled with drawings and writings, "someone's just messing with her."
He does, however, volunteer to stay over "tomorrow night" to make sure nothing weird is going on. However, that night, Alex (who I can't help but notice has a different pair of pajamas for every night) winds up traveling around the house without really seeming like she's "all there." She shows up in Bree's room, startling the group "bitch" and freaking her out. Jessica gets involved, and finds Alex back up in her room. However, when she tries to touch Alex's shoulder, Alex twists around and says (with a deep male voice superimposed over hers), "Don't touch her!"
...then Alex goes back to bed. And the next morning, Jessica and Bree are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and laughing like nothing happened. When Alex comes down, Bree calls her a "freak" and leaves, and Jessica just seems puzzled that, once again, Alex doesn't remember anything.
Now, I like to think I'm a good friend to people. So I'll say this, if at some point I'm living in the same place as someone I know and they start moving around at night and talking with more than one voice, I promise to immediately notify the authorities and be right by their side when help shows up to take them in for an examination.
Jess just lets Alex leave upset without trying to help her, and Alex starts an extensive Google Image Search of "demons" leading to the same graphic imagery that I think I saw in another video I watched recently.
The movie decides to display some text as Alex continues her Nancy Drew investigation, listing some symptoms of "demonic possession" that are almost verbatim how people have described strange things happening in the movie. It's almost as if- hold on.
...movie, if this is more than "girl kissing monkey skeleton" than we're going to have words. By which I mean I'm going to find a wood chipper and Fargo your non-existent butt.
After another almost-scary moment in the library (the lesson I'm taking away from this film is that demons are simply juvenile jerks), Alex bumps into ... um, I'm not sure we've seen this person before. I don't recognize him, but apparently Jessica is one of his students and she asked him to speak to Alex to make sure she's okay.
You know, instead of being their for her friend, Jessica got someone Alex has never met to try to talk to her.
Alex calls up Brian and asks him to come over. Brian, naturally, is just past having sex with Bree again, and the World's Worst Boyfriend gets into a fight with The Group Bitch about whether Alex is "frigid" or just a "freak" for being a virgin. Because of course she's a virgin, the movie is determined to make Alex the living embodiment of this picture:
|Get it? Get it? Cause that's mud, you see, and it has- y'know what, never mind.|
|Behold, the face of emotional anguish. And the expression I get trying to watch Mike and Molly.|
|"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was because I bounced across the sand on this butt spring."|
Jessica wakes up in the middle of the night because a possessed Alex is performing oral sex on her. There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.
|"This is, like, so totally lame! #syruponmyneck #mycareerisgoingnowhere"|