Here at Ask Erik, we've spent a lot of time reading books and comics, watching movies, and browsing through the Internet in the hopes of finding the answers to life's biggest mysteries. Can spiritual peace be found in a technology-driven world? Is aberrant behavior simply genetics or upbringing? How can V8 Fusion be really healthy if the first two ingredients are water and high fructose corn syrup?
Having instead amassed a vault of useless knowledge stored in his head, Erik instead tackles your questions and tries to find the answers you care about (or a reasonable facsimile). Or, if you don't care, he'll at least try to make you laugh and forget you just wasted time you could spend doing anything else.
To Erik: Is it pirates versus ninja time yet?
Not yet, but we're close.
For those who missed my last Ask Erik, I was asked to specify who would win if the ten "best" ninjas fought the ten "best" pirates. I asked the author of the original question if he meant my picks for the ten best or if there was a canonical list of each to work from.
My answer was "your ten best of each.". So if you don't see a character you absolutely love in either list, odds are I a) never saw anything with that character in it, b) forgot about them, or c) hated them. Feel free to troll in the comments section, and maybe I'll do a second round some day.
So, I did my top ten ninjas, now my top ten pirates in no particular order:
Now, to meet my strict criteria, a pirate has to be willing to do two things:
1) They have to be willing to steal.
2) They have to be willing to kill (with one exception, possibly, at #8).
Now, there were a few honorable mentions I wanted to make, such as Don Karnage from Talespin, Geena Davis' character from Cutthroat Island (making it into the Guiness Book as the "biggest box office flop ever" probably killed at least one career and stole a lot of time from someone), Sea Hawk from She-Ra: Princess of Power who we were supposed to think was a romantic chance for the lead female despite wearing a purple handkerchief around his neck and bright blue on his clothes, and Ridley from Metroid, who would be on here if I thought it would be fair putting a giant unkillable dragon (seriously, the thing WILL NOT STAY DEAD) onto the list.
10) Batman
Now wait, I hear you saying, wasn't Batman on your best ninja list? Why yes, he was, but in the world of comic books we can have more than one interpretation of a character. This is how we once got a feudal Japan female Batman in love with Superman, a Dracula Batman, and a Batman who fought Jack the Ripper. We also got Pirate Batman, which I think we can all agree we shouldn't have to live in a world without.
So, why include two Batmans (is the plural Batmen?) well, simply put, to undercut how broken the regular Batman is as a contestant, I had to balance him out somehow. This one might not be as good as the regular deal (instead of "no killing" he aims for "as little bloodshed as possible" ... which doesn't stop him from impaling that world's Joker to the mast of a ship with a cutlass and then cannoning the ship do the bottom of the ocean) but it should help balance the scales a little.
9) Lady Sin
To Erik: Is it pirates versus ninja time yet?
Not yet, but we're close.
For those who missed my last Ask Erik, I was asked to specify who would win if the ten "best" ninjas fought the ten "best" pirates. I asked the author of the original question if he meant my picks for the ten best or if there was a canonical list of each to work from.
My answer was "your ten best of each.". So if you don't see a character you absolutely love in either list, odds are I a) never saw anything with that character in it, b) forgot about them, or c) hated them. Feel free to troll in the comments section, and maybe I'll do a second round some day.
So, I did my top ten ninjas, now my top ten pirates in no particular order:
Now, to meet my strict criteria, a pirate has to be willing to do two things:
1) They have to be willing to steal.
2) They have to be willing to kill (with one exception, possibly, at #8).
Now, there were a few honorable mentions I wanted to make, such as Don Karnage from Talespin, Geena Davis' character from Cutthroat Island (making it into the Guiness Book as the "biggest box office flop ever" probably killed at least one career and stole a lot of time from someone), Sea Hawk from She-Ra: Princess of Power who we were supposed to think was a romantic chance for the lead female despite wearing a purple handkerchief around his neck and bright blue on his clothes, and Ridley from Metroid, who would be on here if I thought it would be fair putting a giant unkillable dragon (seriously, the thing WILL NOT STAY DEAD) onto the list.
10) Batman
Now wait, I hear you saying, wasn't Batman on your best ninja list? Why yes, he was, but in the world of comic books we can have more than one interpretation of a character. This is how we once got a feudal Japan female Batman in love with Superman, a Dracula Batman, and a Batman who fought Jack the Ripper. We also got Pirate Batman, which I think we can all agree we shouldn't have to live in a world without.
So, why include two Batmans (is the plural Batmen?) well, simply put, to undercut how broken the regular Batman is as a contestant, I had to balance him out somehow. This one might not be as good as the regular deal (instead of "no killing" he aims for "as little bloodshed as possible" ... which doesn't stop him from impaling that world's Joker to the mast of a ship with a cutlass and then cannoning the ship do the bottom of the ocean) but it should help balance the scales a little.
9) Lady Sin
I'm probably one of the few people who not only remember that the comic book company "Crossgen" existed, but that it put out some truly epic books. You had spy thrills in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (not the movie with Robert Downey, Jr., which was also great), you had medieval fantasy in Sojourn, you had Holmesian mystery with Ruse, but you also had high seas pirate adventure with El Cazador, and there was no greater character in that story than Lady Sin.
See, Lady Sin started out as Lady Donessaa Cinzia Elena Marie Esperanza Diego-Luis Hidalgo.
She and others from her family were traveling across the sea when they were attacked by pirates, and she was the only member of her family to survive the attack. So, much like Bruce Wayne deciding that the only way to beat crime is to become a vigilante, Donessa Cinzia Elen-whatever decides the best revenge is to become a pirate who hunts pirates. She gathers up the crew of her family's ship, renames the vessel El Cazador ("the hunter") and sails the high seas...for all of five issues before the comic book company went bankrupt and every title got cancelled.
However, she did reappear in Marvel's acquiring of many Crossgen titles and the new Sigil series, which I still need to pick up! Shame on me!
8) The Dread Pirate Roberts
The Princess Bride is one of my all-time favorite movies. It's one I can put in at any time, quote most of the lines from, and always notice some little detail I never noticed before. Every actor in it does a remarkable job, and knowing someone was in this made me follow their career even further (seriously, does anybody else out there know just how good a singer Mandy Patinkin is?). But, of course, the main star is (spoiler alert) Wesley, a.k.a The Dread Pirate Roberts.
The man survives being being attacked by a R.O.U.S., being beaten, being tortured, and even survives being dead. He proves himself one of the best swordsmen, one of the best brawlers, and one of the sharpest tacticians in the world, and never loses his confidence or assurance that love will win in the end.
No matter what else I'm doing, if I stumble upon this movie on television, I'll stop and watch, regardless of the fact I have it on DVD and can watch it without commercials or edits.
7) Captain Hook
...okay, yeah, this one was tough. On the one hand, I love the original animated Peter Pan, and the Hook in that film actually does some pretty scary stuff, but it's overplayed in my memory by the goofiness factor. The Captain Hook portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in Hook was extremely clever and scary, having "killed" the Crocodile that chased him, and came up with a plan to defeat Peter Pan by proving that, as a villain, he was a better parent than Peter ever could be. And even when he was defeated, he still almost won when Pan had to be reminded he was a parent. However, he was a bit old by that point, and couldn't really keep up with a lot of other characters.
He killed Rufio, though, and that was pretty neat.
So I'm going with the newest incarnation of Hook made by Disney, the one on Once Upon A Time.
See, Lady Sin started out as Lady Donessaa Cinzia Elena Marie Esperanza Diego-Luis Hidalgo.
She and others from her family were traveling across the sea when they were attacked by pirates, and she was the only member of her family to survive the attack. So, much like Bruce Wayne deciding that the only way to beat crime is to become a vigilante, Donessa Cinzia Elen-whatever decides the best revenge is to become a pirate who hunts pirates. She gathers up the crew of her family's ship, renames the vessel El Cazador ("the hunter") and sails the high seas...for all of five issues before the comic book company went bankrupt and every title got cancelled.
However, she did reappear in Marvel's acquiring of many Crossgen titles and the new Sigil series, which I still need to pick up! Shame on me!
8) The Dread Pirate Roberts
The Princess Bride is one of my all-time favorite movies. It's one I can put in at any time, quote most of the lines from, and always notice some little detail I never noticed before. Every actor in it does a remarkable job, and knowing someone was in this made me follow their career even further (seriously, does anybody else out there know just how good a singer Mandy Patinkin is?). But, of course, the main star is (spoiler alert) Wesley, a.k.a The Dread Pirate Roberts.
The man survives being being attacked by a R.O.U.S., being beaten, being tortured, and even survives being dead. He proves himself one of the best swordsmen, one of the best brawlers, and one of the sharpest tacticians in the world, and never loses his confidence or assurance that love will win in the end.
No matter what else I'm doing, if I stumble upon this movie on television, I'll stop and watch, regardless of the fact I have it on DVD and can watch it without commercials or edits.
7) Captain Hook
...okay, yeah, this one was tough. On the one hand, I love the original animated Peter Pan, and the Hook in that film actually does some pretty scary stuff, but it's overplayed in my memory by the goofiness factor. The Captain Hook portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in Hook was extremely clever and scary, having "killed" the Crocodile that chased him, and came up with a plan to defeat Peter Pan by proving that, as a villain, he was a better parent than Peter ever could be. And even when he was defeated, he still almost won when Pan had to be reminded he was a parent. However, he was a bit old by that point, and couldn't really keep up with a lot of other characters.
He killed Rufio, though, and that was pretty neat.
So I'm going with the newest incarnation of Hook made by Disney, the one on Once Upon A Time.
This one's a pretty big badass from what I've seen so far. Being willing to hunt (and try to kill) Rumplestiltskin, one of the scariest monsters ever from his world, he's willing to face off against giants, evil magic users, and other terrors of both the classic fantasy fairy tale world and the unfamiliar technology of the modern world. And he does it with style.
The man even picks up a few magic spells to, say, rip out someone's heart without killing them. Granted, he could only do it once, but still...he belongs on the list.
6) Guybrush Threepwood
...yeah, that's terrible. How about something a bit more modern?
There we go.
Guybrush Threepwood is the star of the acclaimed Monkey Island games, and if I left him off of here, the absolutely gorgeous Lisa Foiles (sigh <3) would hunt me down and murder me. But it's okay, because I love these games, too! The Monkey Island series followed sad sack Guybrush Threepwood (best worst pirate name ever) as he did his best to prove himself worthy of the name "pirate" and defeat the ghost of the dread pirate LeChuck. Undead pirates, a strong female lead involved in politics, a somewhat effeminate lead who dreams of being a pirate...yeah, I'm pretty sure someone from Pirates of the Caribbean was a big fan of this game.
5) Faris Schweriz
Man, I never really liked the classic Final Fantasy artwork from Amano. I'm probably in the minority there.
Faris is from Final Fantasy V, the leader of a group of pirates who keeps her forces in line with a clear mix of fear and respect. Brash, outgoing, and not afraid to be part of any team that goes out for adventure, she (yes, she) easily became one of my favorite characters before I learned her dramatic "twist" in the game.
Packing some potent Final Fantasy magic and a mean sword arm, Faris could easily be a great team player for this group, and providing some strong support in areas where others lack.
Okay, this next one is cheating a bit, but hear me out:
4) Revy
Yes, those are handguns. No, I'm not giving the pirates the ultimate edge. What I am doing is recognizing that, much like how Batman is a non-traditional "ninja" it's okay to have a non-traditional "pirate."
And of all the modern day pirates who assault ships from speedboats, Revy is hands down my favorite.
One of the main characters of the manga and anime Black Lagoon, Revy managed to take what might have been another series about "criminals in it for themselves but not really doing bad things" and elevated it to a whole new level. Being just a bit of a psychopath, Revy isn't afraid to leap from speeding boat to speeding boat, dual-wield shotguns, or get into fistfights with trained South American assassins so deadly that entire governments shudder at their name.
Revy is also the only character I've ever seen who enjoys listening to heavy rock music through a Walkman while challenging five PT boats with a rocket launcher and a sub-machine gun while guys on each ship is shooting at her.
She might be the only character here who can really keep up with the ninjas athleticism, so she's in.
3) Ren
I always have mixed feelings about The Pirates of Dark Water. On the one hand, I never really watched it when it first came on because, simply put, it didn't interest me. There were so many other great shows on at the time, it completely slipped past my radar. And even now, looking back, I have a hard time remembering much about it.
The man even picks up a few magic spells to, say, rip out someone's heart without killing them. Granted, he could only do it once, but still...he belongs on the list.
6) Guybrush Threepwood
Guybrush Threepwood is the star of the acclaimed Monkey Island games, and if I left him off of here, the absolutely gorgeous Lisa Foiles (sigh <3) would hunt me down and murder me. But it's okay, because I love these games, too! The Monkey Island series followed sad sack Guybrush Threepwood (best worst pirate name ever) as he did his best to prove himself worthy of the name "pirate" and defeat the ghost of the dread pirate LeChuck. Undead pirates, a strong female lead involved in politics, a somewhat effeminate lead who dreams of being a pirate...yeah, I'm pretty sure someone from Pirates of the Caribbean was a big fan of this game.
5) Faris Schweriz
Faris is from Final Fantasy V, the leader of a group of pirates who keeps her forces in line with a clear mix of fear and respect. Brash, outgoing, and not afraid to be part of any team that goes out for adventure, she (yes, she) easily became one of my favorite characters before I learned her dramatic "twist" in the game.
Packing some potent Final Fantasy magic and a mean sword arm, Faris could easily be a great team player for this group, and providing some strong support in areas where others lack.
Okay, this next one is cheating a bit, but hear me out:
4) Revy
And of all the modern day pirates who assault ships from speedboats, Revy is hands down my favorite.
One of the main characters of the manga and anime Black Lagoon, Revy managed to take what might have been another series about "criminals in it for themselves but not really doing bad things" and elevated it to a whole new level. Being just a bit of a psychopath, Revy isn't afraid to leap from speeding boat to speeding boat, dual-wield shotguns, or get into fistfights with trained South American assassins so deadly that entire governments shudder at their name.
Revy is also the only character I've ever seen who enjoys listening to heavy rock music through a Walkman while challenging five PT boats with a rocket launcher and a sub-machine gun while guys on each ship is shooting at her.
She might be the only character here who can really keep up with the ninjas athleticism, so she's in.
3) Ren
And then I find a video clip of it, or look into the voice cast a bit more, and my mind explodes with how much I forgot about this series. The villains, the heroes, the cast, the style, the world, it was all remarkably mind-blowing at the time. The animation is better than I ever remember it being (it isn't great, but it fits), and if you ever want to provoke a group of cartoon fans into pure rage, casually mention how it's too bad the series never got a proper ending.
Ren here is a pretty solid character, learning what it means to be a pirate, wielding his father's broken sword, and trying to gather up the magical artifacts that will let him save the world. So he's in, too.
2) Red Sonja
Because I can use it, that's why.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Pirates. Okay, so, it turns out that in a revamp of the Red Sonja series, the red-haired heroine isn't the original one that used to pal around with Conan the Barbarian. Instead, we have a distant relative of the original whose husband is slain, but it turns out she's the newest incarnation of "Red Sonja" anyway, so she's able to quickly learn how to kill her enemies with the best of them, even if she isn't quite as strong, agile, or nimble as the original.
However, she does join the crew of pirates who killed her husband in order to get at their leader, so therefore she qualifies!
Besides, I can think of several male ninjas on the other side who would be quite distracted by the... assets that Red Sonja brings to the battle.
Okay, so I have modern weapons and magic, but I think the ninjas still have the overall edge. I'm going to need to find someone special to round out this team.
Oh, wait! I got it! The most awesome pirate who ever lived!
1) The Thing
No, seriously. Don't you know he was the original Blackbeard?
Yeah, seriously. It turns out that in the first appearance ever by the greatest comic book villain of all time (Dr. Doom, in case you don't know), his original master plan was to kidnap the Invisible Girl, hold the team at bay with his pet tiger, and then send them back in time to steal Blackbeard's treasure which supposedly came from Merlin.
Comics, everybody!
So yeah, Ben Grimm winds up being disguised in the outfit you see above, earns the name "Blackbeard" (because "Rockface" just sounds dumb) and almost stays back in the days of piracy before being convinced to come back to the present.
But y'know what? It counts.
So there you have it, ten awesome ninjas to take on ten amazing pirates. Next week, the fight commences!
Oh, wait! I got it! The most awesome pirate who ever lived!
1) The Thing
No, seriously. Don't you know he was the original Blackbeard?
Comics, everybody!
So yeah, Ben Grimm winds up being disguised in the outfit you see above, earns the name "Blackbeard" (because "Rockface" just sounds dumb) and almost stays back in the days of piracy before being convinced to come back to the present.
But y'know what? It counts.
So there you have it, ten awesome ninjas to take on ten amazing pirates. Next week, the fight commences!
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