Ask Erik: Episode Twelve...Part One?

Here at Ask Erik, we've spent a lot of time reading books and comics, watching movies, and browsing through the Internet in the hopes of finding the answers to life's biggest mysteries.  When will man be able to travel to Mars?  What life exists at the deepest points of the ocean?  Why did they cancel Crystal Pepsi?

Seriously, that stuff was good.

Having instead amassed a vault of useless knowledge stored in his head, Erik instead tackles your questions and tries to find the answers you care about (or a reasonable facsimile).  Or, if you don't care, he'll at least try to make you laugh and forget you just wasted time you could spend doing anything else.




To Erik: If the ten best ninjas fought the ten best pirates, who would win?

I love doing these X versus Y battles, if only because it gets to exercise a part of my brain that doesn't get as much of a workout with the rest of my life.  When I was younger, I'd get into frequent debates with people about which comic book character was better, or who would win if different characters all fought each other.

This one does take it to the next level, though, because now I have to determine who the top ten pirates and top ten ninjas are!  So, it looks like I'm going to have to split this across three Ask Eriks!  For this one, I'll pick out my top ten ninjas from pop culture.

Now, before I just start listing names, I guess I should specify what I consider are traits that the best ninjas should have.

1) They're sneaky and stealthy.  Seriously, it's uncanny how often I see ninjas in pop culture who are loud, obnoxious, and just quite simply terrible at their job.  If I was trying to hire a ninja, I wouldn't want one who simply wades through enemies leaving giant smears of blood behind him from corpses sliced in two, I want a guy who's in and out with nobody being aware anything was wrong except for one specific body sprawled on the ground.  Also, no respectable ninja wears orange.  You're never making this list, Naruto.

2)  A ninja must be able to defend itself.  While I don't want ninjas that slaughter entire armies by just standing around, I do want them to be extremely combat capable for when things go wrong.  This requires either exceptional weapon training or martial artistry.  This rules out ninja accountants.  Yes, they exist.

3)  Ninjas don't use guns.  At most, they use traditional ninja weaponry.  Otherwise, you have snipers and I'm pretty sure they aren't ninja.

So, let's break down our list, starting with the most obvious.

10) Batman

Now, now, hear me out.  Batman is ridiculously stealthy, trained for years in various martial arts forms around the world, and regularly relies on bat-shaped throwing stars in order to take down his enemies.  While he might not run around in your typical ninja pajama costume, I'd say he still counts.

Plus, it's been established that Bruce Wayne actually had ninja training.  From real ninjas.  So, you know, that works in his favor, too.

9)  Raphael

Of course I had to have one of these guys on the list.  Having grown up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I'll admit that they weren't always necessarily great ninjas.  The original cartoon series, after all, would have them simply walk down the street.  The movies (well, the first two and the animated sequel) did a better job showing that they did actively try harder to remain out of sight, but the new series has done a pretty great job focusing on the "ninja" aspect of what they are.  They spend more time skulking around on rooftops than they do driving their vehicle (which is pretty much saved for distractions and vehicle chases) around.  They use smoke bombs and classic ninja weaponry...for the most part.  Donatello was always my favorite growing up, but his gadgetry sort of rules him out here.

So I had to pick between Raphael and Leonardo, and I decided to go with the one that spent a good amount of time running around fighting crime just like Batman while the other went off to the jungle to try to find his motivation to be a good leader again.  Hopefully, his tendency to be cool, if rude, will help him in this contest.

8)  Gray Fox

No, I'm not a hypocrite for including this guy who's amped up with technology and excluding Donatello.  While I do love Donnie, most of his gadgetry tends to be more toward finding ways around ninja combat.  He builds a loud, noisy robot to take his place on the team for a while.  He invents a bus made out of a subway car.  He installed a webcam and remote control feature on a roach so they could remotely spy on people.

Gray Fox's advancements, on the other hand, are all about enhancing his abilities as a ninja.  As one of the best boss fights from Metal Gear Solid, his ability to vanish and reappear as well as his sword combat abilities makes him downright terrifying to face.

And hey, now I have two characters that have been voiced by Rob Paulsen at various times.

7)  Elektra

And not the Jennifer Garner one.

The premiere ninja of the Marvel Comics universe, Elektra is beautiful, deadly, and one of the few people I'm willing to accept can be stealthy running around in a tight red swimsuit.  Trained in a variety of weapons and having been trained by the deadliest ninja sect a comic book universe has (including being raised from the dead to serve them), she can be brutal and without mercy, but tends to never simply wade into combat without first analyzing the situation.

6) Sheena Fujibayashi

One of my favorite characters in Tales of Symphonia, and she's a pretty effective ninja.  She makes pacts with various spirits of nature so she can summon them during tough times, but has actual magic to back up her sizable skill.  When part of your party, she's one of the only characters able to deal a devastating "dark" style of damage to creatures without the use of specific other weapons, making her a very valuable asset.

Mostly, though, we really needed an infusion of ninja with potent magical abilities, and her teleportation and ability to work seals (either to bind creatures or make deals with them) makes her a valuable ally.

5)  Ibuki

 
Ibuki was never one of my favorite characters in Street Fighter, originally.  I always preferred the wackier characters, and how could a tiny female ninja compare to the awesomeness of E. Honda or Dhalsim?  Plus, if I wanted a speedy character, I could always just pick Cammy.

However, as time passed, I started to appreciate Ibuki's fighting technique.  She really seemed to have a quick way to dart past an opponent's defenses and tag them, even if she didn't immediately do a lot of damage.  Plus, I need at least one character from a fighting game series on here, and while I don't hate them, I think that Mai Shiranui and Taki are quite possibly two of the worst ninjas ever.  And no, there will be no Mortal Kombat ninjas showing up here, either.

4)  Hattori Hanzo

Based on an actual ninja from history, Hattori Hanzo is a terrifying foe to face in Samurai Warriors.  With the (mystical?) ability to create duplicates of himself and vanish into a puff of smoke, Hanzo makes what would normally be a basic battle between people smacking each other with swords into a deadly game of cat and mouse.  He can strike almost anywhere on the battlefield, and is usually not even seen until he's smacked his weapon into your backside.

3)  Sheik

In an absolute brilliant twist to the Legend of Zelda series, it turns out that Princess Zelda isn't quite as helpless as she seems to be.  Instead of simply sitting in a castle waiting for Link to wander around various dungeons seeing if he can't find a magical boomerang and the ability to stick bombs to arrows, in Ocarina of Time she decides to get her hands dirty herself and sneaks out dressed as a male ninja.  Using deku nuts to vanish and teaching Link magical lute songs, "Sheik" becomes a stalwart ally and crafty ninja, appearing and vanishing with the best of them.

And she/he kicks butt in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

2)  Dr. McNinja

 

Okay, Dr. McNinja isn't your typical ninja.  I'll grant you that.  However, he's the only ninja on this list I know of that fought Dracula on the moon.  And not just fought him, he rode Dracula's body back to earth, surfboard-style, while wearing an astronaut outfit.

Whatever faults wearing a white coat gets him (after all, he is a doctor), his pure awesomeness gets him onto this list.  Besides, he's also a really skilled ninja.  No, seriously.  He can fight with lots of weapons that you typically see ninjas wielding, he can be ridiculously stealthy when he has to, and his combat skills are high enough that he can take on Mexican bandits riding velociraptors.

Because, is why.  He meets all of my rules, and is great.

And no, I've never seen him shoot a gun in his comic.  But I have seen a dolphin kill a man with a revolver.  Take that to mean what you will.

1)  Rikimaru

Seriously, they don't get more ninja than this guy.  Ryu Hayabawhatever, you wish you were as ninja as this guy!  He doesn't need to leave blood splattered all over every wall, the guy can pick off guards without ever being seen, take out the most dangerous of targets.  As part of the Tenchu game series, Rikimaru (and, to a lesser extent, Ayane) gave me some of my favorite video game memories of ninjas, where I had to plot out maneuvers, hide in shadows, and keep a careful watch on my weaponry to be able to utilize it at the best moments.

The character was simple, he wasn't too complex with too many powers, he was, in the end, just a ridiculously skilled ninja who was probably the best at what he did.  And that's why he's topping this list which was made in no particular order, because number one is always number one.

Honorable Mentions:  Ninja Phantom from Mega Man Zero, Cassandra Cain as Batgirl, Lady Shiva, Shadow from Final Fantasy VI (my #11 pick), and either Ten-Ten or Shikamaru from Naruto.

So that's my small army of ninjas.  Next week, I have to pick my top ten pirates and figure out how to leave out everybody's favorite choices again.  Hey, nobody said blogging was easy!