Ask Erik: Episode Fourteen...The Finale?!

Here at Ask Erik, we've spent a lot of time reading books and comics, watching movies, and browsing through the Internet in the hopes of finding the answers to life's biggest mysteries.  What would happen with religions if we found life on other worlds?  Would being able to replace body parts with machines strip us of what makes us human?  When will the world learn its lesson and follow the advice of Midnight Oil?

Having instead amassed a vault of useless knowledge stored in his head, Erik instead tackles your questions and tries to find the answers you care about (or a reasonable facsimile).  Or, if you don't care, he'll at least try to make you laugh and forget you just wasted time you could spend doing anything else.



To Erik: ...oh, hey, is that ninja versus pirate thing still going on?

Yup!  But to quote a recently re-cancelled professor, good news, everyone!  We're at the climax of our huge versus fight and it's time to figure out who'd wi-

I meant to ask, could I also toss in the ten best samur-

No.  Shut up.

So, the simplest way to break this down is to look at exactly what would happen, taking the time to conclude how characters would react and what actions they'd take.  Now, if only we could take time and break it down into small units to measure things by.  Say, something like "rounds" in boxing.  Something that would have a connection to the undoubtedly nerdy people reading this and give a solid frame of reference.   Something that would encompass all of the characters, like a "round" of drinks would.

I got it.  We'll call them "turns."

So, to set this up, we'll give them the best setting I could possibly think of to have a huge pirate versus ninja battle:  An anchored pirate ship shaped like a stereotypical dojo/shrine/thing.

If anybody knows any artists, I'd be happy to retroactively come back and add their picture.

So, we have ten ninjas on one side, ten pirates on the other, all wanting to claim the ship as their own.  None know anything about the others ahead of time.  Let's see how it goes, all right?

Turn 0.5:  Gray Fox is already on the move with his enhanced speed.  He's immediately looking for the important target.  Someone who can lead.  Someone who looks like a survivor.  Someone who screams "soldier."  Girl a tank top?  Nope.  Anybody who remembers Meryl knows that they aren't where the danger is.  The guy in black who looks like a ninja?  Nah.  The heavyset guy with the beard?  Nope.  The guy with the hook?  ...y'know what?  He looks like he could lead.  After all, he was once a Duke in The Tudors.  

Before he can even blink, Hook's taken out of the fight.

Turn 01:  Batman and Batman eye each other across the room and each calls dibs on each other before anybody (else) moves.  Raphael and Ben Grimm, whether they realize it or not, both recognize that the other is a "monster" in the eyes of the others and start moving towards each other.  Lady Sin and Elektra lock eyes, Elekra moving forward while Sin draws her sword.  Guybrush moves backwards, hoping to find someone he can engage in a verbal sparring battle, making himself look like easy pickings for Gray Fox. Dread Pirate Roberts, not wanting to fight a woman if he can help it, quickly moves towards Hanzo Hattori, who's creating his illusionary ninjas around him.  Sheik darts towards Faris, neither one realizing that they have more in common than they expect, while Rikimaru and Sheena move to circle Revy.  Ibuki, feeling a bit out of her league here, goes towards Ren who seems to think bringing a broken sword to a fight is a good idea, leaving Dr. McNinja fighting Red Sonja, who simply sighs and makes the "eyes up here" gesture.

Turn 02:  Batman and Batman face off, testing each other for weaknesses and making short comments to learn about each other.  The ninja side's Batman realizes that the Pirate Batman won't hesitate to take his life, putting him on the defensive.  Raphael jumps at the Thing, but finds himself surprised at how quickly his opponent can move as Thing brings a fist up to meet him.  Raphael isn't down, but he felt that.  Sin and Elektra keep their distance from each other, Elektra not wanting to put herself in range of a sword until she knows the owner, and Sin knowing she's not the best sword fighter out there.  Gray Fox swoops in for the kill on Guybrush, but is startled when Guybrush pulls a sword out of his coat and barely blocks the attack.

Gray Fox:  "That's it, make me feel alive again."

Guybrush Threepwood: "How appropriate, you fight like a cow- wait, hold on."

Hanzo Hattori and his duplicates weave in a pattern towards the Dread Pirate Roberts, who braces himself and raises the tip of his sword.  Sheik and Faris test each other's defenses, Faris being loud and vocal while Sheik stays silent.  Revy laughs and pulls out her pistols, making Rikimaru and Sheena dive to the side as the bullets start to fly.  Ibuki catches Ren by surprise with a solid punch, leaving the two in more of a brawl than a weapon fight.  Red Sonja is braced for battle, sword drawn, daring Dr. McNinja to attack...while he simply ponders how his parents would react if he brought her home to meet them.

Turn 3:  With the sudden sound of bullets, Sin's attention is diverted enough to give Elektra her opening, and she quickly locks the sword with one sai and connects the handle of the other against Sin's head.  The ninja Batman's attention also seems to be caught by the sound of gunfire, giving the Pirate Batman an opening, but it turns out to be a feint, and the Pirate Batman finds his sword hitting empty air as Ninja Batman's knee connects with his chin, bringing the second pirate down this round.  Raphael and the Thing exchange words, the Thing's banter getting the best of Raphael's anger, and Raph leaps in to attack again just to find himself being flung off the boat.  Sheena, from her safe position from Revy's guns, pulls out a card from her supply and starts focusing on it while watching The Thing.  Hanzo and his duplicates circle around Dread Pirate Roberts, trying to keep him distracted.  The Dread Pirate Roberts simply shifts his stance and turns his sword in his left hand.  Gray Fox blurs out and comes at Guybrush again, with Guybrush grunting as a blow connects, bringing him to his knees.  Before Gray Fox can finish it, he leaps back as Revy turns one of her guns in his direction, trying to track Rikimaru's quick actions and dodging thrown knives.  Dr. McNinja draws his sword in time to barely knock away Red Sonja's sword, and moves back, trying to convince her he's a lover, not a fighter.

Turn 4:  Dread Pirate Roberts glances around at the four ninjas circling him, and then shifts his sword raising it, catching the real Hanzo in the side as he appears overhead to attack. 

Hanzo:  How-...how did you know?

Dread Pirate Roberts:  It was simple, my friend.  You covered every possible angle of attack except two, and I took a chance that you wouldn't come out of the floor.  That left one direction for where the attack would come from.

Dread Pirate Roberts victory is short-lived, however, as a batarang whizzes past his head.  Ibuki takes down Ren with quick hits wherever the sword isn't protecting, and after taking a few quick hits, Faris catches Sheik off guard with a magic fireball, dropping her.  Rikimaru attempts to come in quick to take Revy down in melee, but is surprised as Revy uses her guns to catch Rikimaru's blade between them, and then kicks him in the gut off the side of the ship.  She does flinch, however, as a short blade from Dr. McNinja grazes her side as he tries to talk Red Sonja into calling off the fight for a candlelit dinner.  Sheena opens her eyes and a blast of magical energy sends the Thing toppling over the side of the ship.  

Thing: "What a revoltin' development!"

Sheena stomps her foot in victory, accidentally triggering the hatch underneath her, and she has just a moment to blink before she vanishes into the darkness with a crash.

Raphael tries to climb back up the anchor chain, but slips off and falls in the water again, muttering has he gives up.

Turn 5:  Elektra seems to appear from nowhere, locking and pinning one of Revy's arms.  Revy struggles against Elektra, and flings her head back to smash Elektra's nose.  The two move into a flurry of blows against each other, all grace turning into a desperate match of kicks and punches.  Gray Fox flips his blade in his hand and stabs it into Guybrush's body, sending guts spilling out.  He stands up calmly, wiping fluids off his sword.  

Gray Fox:  "Fighting, these skills, are the only thing I've ever been good at."

Guybrush: "I'd be in trouble if you ever started using them!"

Guybrush stands up, the remains of Frinkle and Osterman's Artificial Guts (tm) falling out of his coat as he catches Gray Fox's mask with his sword.  Gray Fox staggers back, letting out a howl of pain before whispering he feels alive again and vanishes.  Guybrush smiles weakly before Ibuki walks up behind him and punches him in the back of the head.  Faris flings a spell at Batman, but the fireball washes over his cape before he darts in and pinches her neck, making her crumple.  Dread Pirate Roberts steps up to Batman.  Batman pulls out a batarang as the two lock eyes.  Dread Pirate Roberts says nothing, he simply moves his sword to his right hand.  Red Sonja lets out a scream of frustration as she swings at Dr. McNinja, who jumps back, pulls a grenade out of his coat, and flings it at Sonja.  Sonja, having had contact with the modern world, has enough sense to dive for cover.

The boat shifts slightly in the water.

Turn 7:  Batman and Dread Pirate Roberts seem locked together, both pushing against each other.

Batman: "You won't win"

Dread Pirate Roberts: "Ah, but I don't have to win!  I simply have to remove enough of you from here to let my team win!"

The boat lurches slightly, then straightens itself.

Roberts twists his wrist, sending Batman's weapon and his own across the deck.  He grabs Batman in a bear hold and pulls them both off the boat.  Batman struggles to break Roberts grip, but the two sink below the waves as they struggle. Elektra digs her hand into Revy's injured side, and makes the other woman drop.  Red Sonja takes a second to block a punch from Ibuki and kick her in the stomach before she turns and attacks at Elektra with a fury Elektra has only seen in the likes of Wolverine.  Her sais try to block Sonja's sword, but Sonja gets in close and drops Elektra with a punch to the face.  

Red Sonja walks away panting, when one more grenade rolls to a stop at her feet.  She barely has time to glance down before the explosion launches her from the boat. Dr. McNinja looks around to make sure everybody else is either down or unconscious, and hops on board his motorcycle for a dramatic pose.

As his front tire lands back on the deck, Sheena grabs hold of the edge of the hatch she fell in and pulls her head to deck level.  A sudden impact makes the deck shake, and Sheena loses her grip and falls back into the hatch with a crash.  Dr. McNinja turns around to find a sopping wet Thing standing there, minus his pirate costume. 

"Yar.  It's clobberin' time!"

Because, seriously, you think Benjamin J. Grimm would fall to a bunch of ninjas?

Pirates take it in the end, but the ninjas would've won if I went by "ring out" rules.  But the Thing takes them all out for drinks (a Shirley Temple for Ibuki) and burgers afterward and makes them all honorary members of his crew.

Don't forget to keep those questions coming, and feel free to send your appreciation/dismay/hate at how I pictured this fight going down my way. 

Seriously, I think Dread Pirate Roberts versus Batman in a straight-up fight could go either way.